Condo Love

*I haven't figured out how to post comments without logging into my account, which I don't want to do from work. And since the only place that I have internet access is work, I haven't been responding to comments. But, I have been reading them all. And I really appreciate them. Oh, and although I am not commenting on all of your blogs, I am reading them as well...*

 

I'm a bit obsessed with thinking about how I am going to decorate my condo. Actually, more than a bit obsessed. I think that I have chosen a color scheme (which is not one that I thought I would like, but the more photos that I looked at, the more that I realized that I was being drawn to the same colors over and over again).

 

Here are some of my inspiration photos....

 

I'm in love with the pop of color on the inside of this bookcase

 

I'm toying with the idea of a magnetic wall above my desk area in my bedroom

 

I'm in love with this headboard, although I did buy a wooden one this weekend at a yard sale that I am going to be painting.

 

This mirror is A.MA.ZING.

 

I might put a chandelier in my bedroom. My mom thinks it is a ridiculous idea.

 

I'm thinking that I might do this in my bathroom. I am thinking about doing it with even less contrast, and putting the white tree on an almost white wall.

 

 

What do you think? Do you think that the white/teal/tan/yellow combo will work? I am getting excited for painting & decorating.

I am still talking about him

I feel like my life is still wrapped up with my ex. When people talk about their spouses and tell stories, I still feel like saying "when we went to Cuba" and "When we bought our house" I feel like my history is in him. Because my memories, all of the memories of the past four and a half years, include him. Even the past ten months, in which I have been healing my heart, are because of him.

 

I started seeing a new therapist this week (in the new city that I am living in). And I was talking about this with her. When she asked me what it was I wanted to accomplish in our sessions together. And what I told her was, I want to stop talking about what happened. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop doing things because of what happened with my ex.

 

And she told me, that I have to make a decision to do that. That I have to decide, to not talk about it anymore.

 

That is way easier said than done.

 

When someone says "hey, have you ever played Little-Big Planet on Playstation?" it is very easy to respond "Yes! My ex and I used to play that all the time. We loved it." Because we did.

 

I guess it is because our relationship was good. From my point of view. Until the end. When it didn't exist anymore. And until it didn't exist anymore, I was happy. So I don't really have a lot of bad memories of our three and a half years together. All of the bad memories are from when we were no longer together.

 

So I am going to stop. Stop talking about him in passing. Stop using his name. Stop talking about the breakup. I am in a new place. I am in a new life. I don't need to go over and over my breakup. Bad things happen to people all the time. Heart break happens all the time. And it is terrible. And it is sad.

 

But it is over.

 

 

And this is not to say that I am still sitting at home, thinking about what has happened. Because I haven't been doing that. I am living my life. It is just the little things. The casual comments. The thought that this move was because of him. I don't need to explain my move to everyone that I meet. People move all the time. I don't need to tell people that I went to Cuba with my ex, I can just say that I went there for a friend's wedding.

 

Have you had to make this conscious choice to stop talking & thinking about someone or something? Did it just happen naturally?

 

 

I bought a condo. NBD.

I'm going to be a home owner again!

 

 

Over the weekend my parents and I met with a Realtor and went to visit a number of condos and town houses. There were a lot in my price range, and to be honest, most of them were exactly the same. And all of them were in the same area. (The city that I bought in, is pretty small, and there have been a bunch of condos built in the same area over the past 5 years).

 

It ended up coming down to the most bang for the buck. The one that I chose had the lowest list price, had all the appliances included (even the microwave!) and didn't have a contingency fee upon closing. It was clean and well organized, and had a nice kitchen.

 

The current owner is a single man, so there is definitely some painting that needs to be done. (Strangely enough, I am not a big fan of "army green" for the living room wall color).

 

The new place is a pretty good size, it is 1200 square feet. It has almost all of my wish list items (other than the two bathrooms). It has a great open concept kitchen-dining room- living room. There is a huge island in the kitchen that faces out into the rest of the living space. There is a new fridge, stove & dishwasher in the kitchen. I'm not a huge fan of the color of the counter tops, but it is pretty neutral.

 

The two bedrooms are pretty good size, the master is 12x12 and the 2nd bedroom is 12x11. The master does have two huge closets in it, and a nice big window.

 

The bathroom is actually really big. It has a separate stand up shower and jet tub (!!) There is a ton of storage space, and a big window.

 

And there is a laundry room with a bunch of storage space. And a washer and dryer.

 

I am totally excited. This week I have to work on getting all of the financing sorted out at the bank, the home inspection done, and find myself a lawyer in this new city. All in all I am pretty freaking excited about the whole thing.

 

And now, I am totally obsessed with the thought of choosing a whole new color scheme and decorating style for the new place. I have become totally obsessed with Pinterest and have been keeping a stack of color samples from the hardware store on my coffee table and looking at the constantly.

 

Have you moved into a new place and changed the whole style? What is your favorite color scheme right now?

Let's go condo shopping

I'm in the market for a condo.

 

I used to own a home. My ex and I bought a townhouse about a year into our relatinoship. We were starting our life together, and we found an adorable little townhouse. It was 1500 square feet. It had 3 official bedrooms (although if it was a rental, the basement rec room would totally be a bedroom). It had an open concept main floor, and a tiny deck to BBQ on. And we loved it. I became a homeowner at the ripe age of 23.

 

In the two and a half years that we lived there, the market in our city changed dramatically. Our tiny townhouse went up in value about 70%. Which means that when my ex and I broke up, he had to buy me out at market value.Which means that I ended up with a bit of money in my pocket for a downpayment on my next place.

 

So, I am in the market for a condo. I am planning on renting out one of the rooms to a roommate for the time being. To help me pay for the mortgage payments.

 

I have a bit of a wishlist.

 

2 bedroom

2 bathroom (including master ensuite for me)

Laundry within the condo (as opposed to shared)

Dishwasher

Outside access (ie balcony)

Storage Space

Move in ready

 

I am excited to start looking for a place. Really excited. I am excited to buy a place of my own, and to start decorating. I stil have a lot of the furniture and artwork from my old house (because I was the one who bought the art, and while my ex got things like BBQ & Whipper-snipper, I got things like couch & coffee table). I have been cruising etsy non-stop looking at things that I love, and things that I can't wait to buy and put into my own place.

 

My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and we have some appointments set up with an agent. She is going to be showing us an variety of condos and town houses in the area that I am looking. 

 

Do any of you have your own place? Any things that I should add to the must haves while condo hunting?

 

Fresh Start

*I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, but have not had internet access in my apartment. And I do not sign into my blog at work (where I do have internet access). So I am attempting to update my blog by email.*

 

So I've moved.

 

I left the island that I was living on, and am back on the mainland. I have been at my new job for a week. And am moving into my new apartment tomorrow.

 

Thank goodness, I left my apartment on May 18, and have been living out of suitcases and the back seat of my car since then. Two weeks of living like this is enough for me. I stayed with my parents for the long weekend, and then stayed with a friend and her parents for the week last week. Over this past weekend, I went to visit another friend to give the first friend a bit of a break. Whew. Lots of living out of bags, and trading things in and out of the trunk of my car.

 

But tomorrow, I get to move into my place. And will get to settle in. And spend a tiny bit of time all by myself. Since I have been completely surrounded by people for the majority of the past two weeks.

 

The one friend that I have in this city (the one that I have been staying with) is going on vacation this week. So she is going to be away, and I am going to be all alone for my first weekend in this city. I am thinking that it will be pretty quiet. I am going to take in some of the wonderful weather we have been having. And explore my new neighbourhood.

 

This is all very exciting. A bit exhausting. And totally scary!

 

Have you moved to a new city all alone? Was it the fresh start you were looking for?

My High School Boyfriend

The boy who I dated in high school, through grade 10 and 11, passed away this week. He was 26. He had leukemia, and had been battling it for almost six years.

His story is tragic, really. He joined the military right after high school. He married young, at 22, and was diagnosed with cancer just 11 days after his wedding. The marriage didn't stand a chance, and they divorced about two years later. He has been fighting ever since, receiving two bone marrow  transplants.

I hadn't spoken to him since we graduated from high school. But, since I am from a small town, I have kept up with what has happened with him. My high school friends and I sent flowers when he relapsed earlier this year. I have thought of him often. And although I am not at all a religious person, I have sent lots of positive energy in his direction.

It seems so sad, and so strange, that he is gone. Although I have had no relationship with him for ten years, I feel a sense of loss. It is like I can't believe that someone that I once loved with everything I had (as a sixteen year old) died.

And I can't stop thinking about his mom. He was raised by a single mom, and has one older brother. For the past six years his mother has been basically consumed by him, and his cancer. For the past year, he has been extremely ill, and she has been by his bedside. I can't imagine what she is feeling. I can't imagine what she is going to do now.

The funeral is tomorrow morning, and my parents are going to attend. I wish that I had moved already, and that I was close enough to attend.

Positive vibes?

Let's talk about something positive for a change, shall we? I feel like all of my (sporadic) posts lately have been about how sad I am. How lost I feel. Let's talk about the exciting parts of me moving. 

1. This is going to be the best summer ever! I am going to do a bunch of road trips. I am going to Atlantic City with some friends. I am seriously considering going to see Britney in concert. 

2. The weather! The part of the country that I currently live in is known for it's terrible weather. It is going to be much warmer & much sunnier in the new place. 

3. I am going to be within driving distance of my parents. 

4. I found out last week that my best friend from high school is expecting. I am now going to be within driving distance of her too, and am going to help her decorate the nursery over the summer. 

5. My hometown has a drive-in movie theatre. 

6. I'm going to law school in the fall. 

7. I'm going to buy a condo. Yay for homeownership (again). 

8. No one will know about my ex,
or the wedding that didn't happen. 

I am sure that there are even more excellent things about this move. If you can think of any, leave me a comment. I could use some more positive vibes.

Two Weeks

I am moving in two weeks. 

To another province. Closer to my family. To a city I have been to only twice before. 

I am excited. And I am terrified. 

I don't know what to expect. I am terrified that I won't make any friends this summer. That I will sit alone in my apartment Monday to Thursday waiting for the weekend when I can go and visit my parents. 

I am terrified that I will feel just as sad and alone there, as I do here. That the fresh start won't mean anything, because it is me that is still broken. 

I know that from the outside, to my friends and to my family, I am doing really well. But I am still struggling. Night time is still hard. When everything is quiet. It reminds me how very alone I am. 

As soon as I move to the new city I am going to start looking for a new therapist. I stopped seeing mine back in December, but with the chaos of this move, I feel like I need some extra support. 

I feel like I am in a slump, and I'm not sure how to get out. 

Unsettled...

I am feeling so uncomfortable in my life right now.

Half of the time I feel like I am running out of time in the city. Running out of time to spend with my friends, and running out of time to take in the breathtaking views of the ocean that I see every day (and often take for granted). I feel like I won't have time to say all the things that I need to say. To all the people who have been so amazing to me over the past six months.

I feel unsettled at work. I am just trying to move things off my desk, and prepare them for whoever is taking over my position. I am trying not to get into too many major projects, and trying to keep my eye on my new position.

I feel like I can't really do anything right now. That all my time is going to be taken up with tying up loose ends. With packing. With selling my belongings that I am not taking with me. I am going to my last book club meeting. To my last scrap booking night (that's right, I'm in a crafting club). I am going on my last hike with the  youth group I volunteer with.

The other half of the time I can't wait to get started in the new city. To go and live with my best friend from university. To have the best summer ever. And to get ready for a whole new life in the fall. I feel like I want to pack my things. To just get going already.

I guess that right now all I can do is make the best of the time that I have here, and try not to feel impatient. I am sure that once I am on my way to the new city, I will feel like the time flew by...

The Dates

I didn't ever tell you about what happened with the online dating thing (because I disappeared for a month...)

I went out. On a date. In fact, I went out on two dates, with the same man.

It was ok.

I actually messaged him first, because I thought he was cute, and I thought he seemed cool. We played scrabble on our iphones and chatted back and forth for about a week before going out. He seemed really witty, and interesting.

The first date was a bit awkward.

First off, he did not look anything like his pictures. Like, at all. In fact, I went back to his profile after the date and looked at the pictures again, thinking I might had remembered them wrong. He had gained quite a bit of weight since the pictures were taken. Here's the thing, I don't really mind chubby guys. Heck, I am kind of chubby right now because of all of the breakup weight that I have gained. But the photos on my profile reflect that. I have pictures that were taken in the past few months. That show my body as it currently is.

Back to the date. It was awkward. I felt like I wanted him to take charge more. To ask me more questions. I felt like I was kind of leading the conversation the whole time. And when we went to pick a movie, he asked me about 4 times which movie I wanted to see, even after I narrowed it down to two and said he could choose. It was like he was too accommodating to me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, at the end of the date, I did give him a quick kiss, and we said that we would do it again.

I wasn't sure if I liked him or not but I thought I might want to sleep with him should give it a chance, so I went out with him again.

On the second date, he spent most of the time staring at my chest, instead of my face. In fact, he was staring so intently at my chest, that I went to the bathroom to check to see if I had somehow spilled some of my food down my shirt. Also, he didn't wear his seatbelt in the car which was a total turnoff for me.

So, I decided that I didn't want to see him again.

But you know what? It was good. I hadn't been on a date in over four years. And I had never tried the online thing. And I felt kind of good. I was confident going into the date, and I felt like I might be ready to see someone casually.

Now that I am moving, I have removed my profile. But once I get settled into the new city, you never know, I might try again.

How did your first first date back in the dating scene go?

Moving on

I am officially moving.

I mentioned more than a month ago, that I was up for a transfer with my job. It has been approved, and my current job has been posted. I am in the process of getting my thing together with work, hiring a person to replace me, training that person, and moving to another province.

I think that I have know for a while that I needed this move to happen. I needed to get away from here, this city, this province. The place that I have been for so long. I moved here for me, to go to university and when I finished university I decided to stay. But for the past four years, I have been here because of my ex. And because of the life that we were building together.

Now that that life doesn't exist any more, it is time to move on.

I am having mixed emotions about it. I have lived here for my entire adult life. I have grown up here. I have become a part of the city, and the city has become a part of me. I love the culture, I love the nature, I love the people. And I am truly going to miss it.

But I am also excited. Excited for a new start. Excited to be in a place where no one know that I was supposed to get married. Where no one knows my ex. Or that I used to be engaged to him. I am excited to live in a place where I am a car drive away from my parents. Where I can take off and see them after work on a Friday, and not have to find a flight. I am excited that I will be able to take road trips, and for the better weather. I am excited for the next chapter.

So for now I am going to be purging and packing. And for the next six weeks I am going to be saying good-bye to the place, and the people that have been my home for the past nine years.

The Drive-By

I drove by my ex's house tonight.

You see, we were supposed to be in Italy right now. And I drove by his house to see if he was there. To see if he had gone to Italy without me.

One of the guys who was supposed to be a groomsman in our wedding, is getting married tomorrow. In Italy. And we were invited to go, and celebrate their wedding. We were going to go for two weeks, one to tour around Italy, and one to celebrate our friends wedding. We were going to be newly weds. Celebrating the marriage of our good friends.

I have been wondering all week if he is there with them. Without me.

Tonight I dropped a friend off at her house, which was very close to my old house. And so I took a detour, and drove by my old place. It was the first time that I had done that.

His car wasn't home. He wasn't there.

With all the changing that I have been doing. And all the decisions that I have been making about my life. It still seems strange to me that he is doing the same thing. Changing. Growing. Going on with life. Without me. Even though I am going on without him. It still seems strange to me that he is going on without me.

I know that I have been missing in action for a while, but while I was driving home, I was writing this blog post in my head.

I've missed this blog.

Sense of Loss

It is really hard to change your mindset.

My ex and I became really serious right at the beginning of our relationship. About 2 months in, we were talking about spending our lives together. We started house shopping about 6 months in, and bought a house together at the 8 month mark. We talked about having a family since the beginning, and were planning on having a baby within about a year of getting married.

Changing the way I think about having a family is really hard.

When I was visiting my sister, we went away skiing for a weekend. While walking the streets of the adorable ski town all I could notice were the little families. The young couples with their kids.

I kept feeling a sense of loss. Like, I was almost there, and now I am not even close. I feel sad that I am so far from having that little family, that I had been planning.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to appreciate life for what it is right now. To see the positive side of being single. To totally understand that at this moment I can do anything and go anywhere that I want to.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to see a little family, and not wish it was my own. Do you ever feel this sense of loss?



*Sorry that my blog has been a bit manic lately... I am having some ups and downs, so you get to read about it...*

More life changes?

I think I am moving.

I moved to a new province, when I started university almost ten years ago. I came here on my own, and moved into a residence hall. After finishing university, I decided to stay here. My friends were here, I was single, and I loved the city. And then I met my ex-fiance.

And we started to build a life together. And I made a decision to stay here. Even though I am far from my family, I decided to stay. I love the city. I was marrying an amazing man. I was starting my own family. I always said that I wished I had settled closer to home. Closer to my parents.

Right now, I am not within driving distance of my parents and my home town. If I want to get to them, I need to take a flight. It isn't a long flight, but it does mean that I can't go and visit at the drop of a hat. Last easter my best friend from high school and I decided that we would both go home for Easter. She had a 5 hour drive. I had a $500 flight.

I would love to be able to drive home for a weekend.

Right before I went on vacation, there was a man in my department let go. In an area that we have been having a bunch of trouble, and high staff turnover in. He did a similar job to mine, but covers a difference province.

A province that is closer to home.

So, on Monday, I approached my boss and let him know that I was interested in the job. Interested in moving. And he basically said that I could. Move. That they would transfer me to the other position. He just needs to discuss it with the HR department, and change around the job description a little bit before the announcement is made.

In the new job, I will be about a 3.5 hour drive from my parents. I will be living in the same city as my best friend from university (who got transfered there with her job about a year and a half ago!) and I will be a two hour drive from my best friend from high school. I'll be close. Really close.

So I am happy. Excited. And a little bit terrified.

I haven't told any of my friends yet. I am waiting for the official announcement from work.

It is going to be a very interesting few months. More life changes...

Yikes!

The Profile

So I did it. I created an online profile for myself on one of the free dating sites.

I had been really hesitant to put my picture up for some reason, and had been feeling a bit weird about it. I guess it is part of feeling hesitant about putting myself out there. It feels strange to put my picture on the internet for people to judge. But, I guess that is what I have been doing while looking at the profiles online. And I guess that is what happens in almost any situation where you might find someone you want to date. People are judging whether they find one another attractive, whether they think that the other is desirable.

But I did it, I chose a couple of cute pictures of myself, and put them up.

And then I wrote a little bio. You would think that I would find it easy to do a bio, since I spend so much time blogging and talking about myself, but I didn't. It was hard to write something that was true, and didn't sound ridiculous.

I basically wrote that I am into the outdoors, that I cook & bake, and that I like to read and watch movies. Pretty generic. I don't really know what I am supposed to write to make it more appealing.

Actually, I have no idea what I am supposed to write at all.

Any suggestions? What should I be writing about?

And I guess the next step is messaging someone who I am drawn to. Which is also a bit scary. I am not sure what to say, or what to lead with.

I guess, alternately, I could just wait for someone to message me...

Online Dating?

I'm thinking about signing up for an online dating site.

This isn't something that I have ever done before, and I am not really sure how I feel about it.

My ex and I broke up about six months ago, actually a little bit more than six months ago. And I am not too sure what happens now.

I have basically only had two boyfriends in my life (unless you count high school, and then we can add a couple more..). I went out with one guy for almost four years, all through university. We lived together for about a year and a half. There was a four month break between when I broke up with him, and when I started dating my ex-fiance. I went on a few dates between the two of them, but not many (and back then the term "date" sometimes meant "get drunk and go home with" "party with").

My university boyfriend and I met when we were both living in residence. We went out a few times with groups of people and eventually became a couple. My ex-fiance showed up in my office one day when I was working at a gym (he was a member) and asked me out. He had seen me around, and thought I was cute.

So, basically, I have no idea how to meet someone to date.

I think I might have to try the online thing.

I am not looking for anything serious right now, I will hopefully be moving in the next six months to go to law school, and am not interested in a long distance relationship. But I would like someone to have sex with on a regular basis spend some time with and snuggle up and watch movies with.

What are your thoughts? Have you done the online thing? How did it work for you?

Skiing & Feeling Old?

I am attempting to blog from my phone right now. I am not sure how it is going to go. I am currently in the car with my sister and her boyfriend on our way back from a ski weekend. 

I am on vacation right now, visiting my sister and her boyfriend. We went away for the weekend to a ski town with a few of her friends, as well as a childhood friend of ours. 

It has been pretty great. 

It was really fun to get together with our old friend for a weekend. We don't spend nearly enough time together since we all live in different parts of the country. We grew up together (our parents are still friends) and have known each other for 20 years. The three of us had a great time. It is amazing how easily you fit back together with old friends. 

After he left, we spent some more time with some of my sisters friends. It was a bunch of fun, for the most part. My sister is younger than I am, and her friends who were with us this weekend aren younger than her. So I did spend a bit of time feeling a bit old. Even though the age difference is only about 5 years, I am in a much different place than they are. 

It is something that I will have to get used to, if I am going to be going to law school in the fall. About 75% of the class will likely be about 5 years younger than me. 

What makes you feel old? Do you mind? 

Rough week...

I think the hardest part about being single, is not being anyone's most important person. Not having that one person who is there for you no matter what. Who you can call in the middle of a tough day at work, or in the middle of a scary episode of criminal minds, or when you don't quite know where you are, and are trying to find a meeting.

Not having that one person who is there for you. Who calls in the middle of the afternoon to see if you want to have pancakes for supper. Or if you want to stay home on Friday and watch Dexter, instead of going to that house party that you were invited to, by the people who you don't really like.

I think that is the hardest part of being single.

Since my LSAT studying is complete, and I am almost finished applying to law schools, my life is becoming clearer. I don't have anything to focus on, and am starting to realize what my life really looks like right now.

And it is starting to feel a bit empty. A bit lonely.

I am leaving to go on vacation this morning, I am going out west to visit my sister for a week. I am excited to get away, and take some time off from work. It will be nice to get away from my life right now, and spend some time with family.

Hopefully this feeling that I have been having this week will subside.

Do you miss having that one person? Cheer me up, what do you love about being single?

The LSAT. Round 2.

I feel like I haven't blogged in weeks! I spent the last five weeks working my behind off studying for the LSAT. I basically stayed in every weekend, and spent most of my free time studying (or at least sitting in my apartment, thinking about studying).

Because I took the Kaplan course, I feel like I had a lot more guidance, and was able to be really strategic about my studying. I spent a lot of time watching the online classes, and tutorials. I kind of feel like I should have spent more time doing timed practice, but I think that all of the theory that I learned helped a lot.

The test went well. Or at least I think that it went well. It is really hard to tell with that many multiple choice. I did struggle a bit with the logic games (which really annoyed me, since on my timed practices I was getting 21 or 22 correct...). But hopefully my Logic Reasoning will make up for it.

I am going to send off applications to the final two schools that I am applying to this week. And then it is just a waiting game!

How have you all been? I have missed the blogger world!

Giveaway Winner

The winner of the $25 for CNS Stores is amy!

Hooray! The random number generator spit out number 5 (which was amy whether you count from the top or the bottom).

Yay!