Sense of Loss

It is really hard to change your mindset.

My ex and I became really serious right at the beginning of our relationship. About 2 months in, we were talking about spending our lives together. We started house shopping about 6 months in, and bought a house together at the 8 month mark. We talked about having a family since the beginning, and were planning on having a baby within about a year of getting married.

Changing the way I think about having a family is really hard.

When I was visiting my sister, we went away skiing for a weekend. While walking the streets of the adorable ski town all I could notice were the little families. The young couples with their kids.

I kept feeling a sense of loss. Like, I was almost there, and now I am not even close. I feel sad that I am so far from having that little family, that I had been planning.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to appreciate life for what it is right now. To see the positive side of being single. To totally understand that at this moment I can do anything and go anywhere that I want to.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to see a little family, and not wish it was my own. Do you ever feel this sense of loss?



*Sorry that my blog has been a bit manic lately... I am having some ups and downs, so you get to read about it...*

More life changes?

I think I am moving.

I moved to a new province, when I started university almost ten years ago. I came here on my own, and moved into a residence hall. After finishing university, I decided to stay here. My friends were here, I was single, and I loved the city. And then I met my ex-fiance.

And we started to build a life together. And I made a decision to stay here. Even though I am far from my family, I decided to stay. I love the city. I was marrying an amazing man. I was starting my own family. I always said that I wished I had settled closer to home. Closer to my parents.

Right now, I am not within driving distance of my parents and my home town. If I want to get to them, I need to take a flight. It isn't a long flight, but it does mean that I can't go and visit at the drop of a hat. Last easter my best friend from high school and I decided that we would both go home for Easter. She had a 5 hour drive. I had a $500 flight.

I would love to be able to drive home for a weekend.

Right before I went on vacation, there was a man in my department let go. In an area that we have been having a bunch of trouble, and high staff turnover in. He did a similar job to mine, but covers a difference province.

A province that is closer to home.

So, on Monday, I approached my boss and let him know that I was interested in the job. Interested in moving. And he basically said that I could. Move. That they would transfer me to the other position. He just needs to discuss it with the HR department, and change around the job description a little bit before the announcement is made.

In the new job, I will be about a 3.5 hour drive from my parents. I will be living in the same city as my best friend from university (who got transfered there with her job about a year and a half ago!) and I will be a two hour drive from my best friend from high school. I'll be close. Really close.

So I am happy. Excited. And a little bit terrified.

I haven't told any of my friends yet. I am waiting for the official announcement from work.

It is going to be a very interesting few months. More life changes...

Yikes!

The Profile

So I did it. I created an online profile for myself on one of the free dating sites.

I had been really hesitant to put my picture up for some reason, and had been feeling a bit weird about it. I guess it is part of feeling hesitant about putting myself out there. It feels strange to put my picture on the internet for people to judge. But, I guess that is what I have been doing while looking at the profiles online. And I guess that is what happens in almost any situation where you might find someone you want to date. People are judging whether they find one another attractive, whether they think that the other is desirable.

But I did it, I chose a couple of cute pictures of myself, and put them up.

And then I wrote a little bio. You would think that I would find it easy to do a bio, since I spend so much time blogging and talking about myself, but I didn't. It was hard to write something that was true, and didn't sound ridiculous.

I basically wrote that I am into the outdoors, that I cook & bake, and that I like to read and watch movies. Pretty generic. I don't really know what I am supposed to write to make it more appealing.

Actually, I have no idea what I am supposed to write at all.

Any suggestions? What should I be writing about?

And I guess the next step is messaging someone who I am drawn to. Which is also a bit scary. I am not sure what to say, or what to lead with.

I guess, alternately, I could just wait for someone to message me...

Online Dating?

I'm thinking about signing up for an online dating site.

This isn't something that I have ever done before, and I am not really sure how I feel about it.

My ex and I broke up about six months ago, actually a little bit more than six months ago. And I am not too sure what happens now.

I have basically only had two boyfriends in my life (unless you count high school, and then we can add a couple more..). I went out with one guy for almost four years, all through university. We lived together for about a year and a half. There was a four month break between when I broke up with him, and when I started dating my ex-fiance. I went on a few dates between the two of them, but not many (and back then the term "date" sometimes meant "get drunk and go home with" "party with").

My university boyfriend and I met when we were both living in residence. We went out a few times with groups of people and eventually became a couple. My ex-fiance showed up in my office one day when I was working at a gym (he was a member) and asked me out. He had seen me around, and thought I was cute.

So, basically, I have no idea how to meet someone to date.

I think I might have to try the online thing.

I am not looking for anything serious right now, I will hopefully be moving in the next six months to go to law school, and am not interested in a long distance relationship. But I would like someone to have sex with on a regular basis spend some time with and snuggle up and watch movies with.

What are your thoughts? Have you done the online thing? How did it work for you?

Skiing & Feeling Old?

I am attempting to blog from my phone right now. I am not sure how it is going to go. I am currently in the car with my sister and her boyfriend on our way back from a ski weekend. 

I am on vacation right now, visiting my sister and her boyfriend. We went away for the weekend to a ski town with a few of her friends, as well as a childhood friend of ours. 

It has been pretty great. 

It was really fun to get together with our old friend for a weekend. We don't spend nearly enough time together since we all live in different parts of the country. We grew up together (our parents are still friends) and have known each other for 20 years. The three of us had a great time. It is amazing how easily you fit back together with old friends. 

After he left, we spent some more time with some of my sisters friends. It was a bunch of fun, for the most part. My sister is younger than I am, and her friends who were with us this weekend aren younger than her. So I did spend a bit of time feeling a bit old. Even though the age difference is only about 5 years, I am in a much different place than they are. 

It is something that I will have to get used to, if I am going to be going to law school in the fall. About 75% of the class will likely be about 5 years younger than me. 

What makes you feel old? Do you mind? 

Rough week...

I think the hardest part about being single, is not being anyone's most important person. Not having that one person who is there for you no matter what. Who you can call in the middle of a tough day at work, or in the middle of a scary episode of criminal minds, or when you don't quite know where you are, and are trying to find a meeting.

Not having that one person who is there for you. Who calls in the middle of the afternoon to see if you want to have pancakes for supper. Or if you want to stay home on Friday and watch Dexter, instead of going to that house party that you were invited to, by the people who you don't really like.

I think that is the hardest part of being single.

Since my LSAT studying is complete, and I am almost finished applying to law schools, my life is becoming clearer. I don't have anything to focus on, and am starting to realize what my life really looks like right now.

And it is starting to feel a bit empty. A bit lonely.

I am leaving to go on vacation this morning, I am going out west to visit my sister for a week. I am excited to get away, and take some time off from work. It will be nice to get away from my life right now, and spend some time with family.

Hopefully this feeling that I have been having this week will subside.

Do you miss having that one person? Cheer me up, what do you love about being single?

The LSAT. Round 2.

I feel like I haven't blogged in weeks! I spent the last five weeks working my behind off studying for the LSAT. I basically stayed in every weekend, and spent most of my free time studying (or at least sitting in my apartment, thinking about studying).

Because I took the Kaplan course, I feel like I had a lot more guidance, and was able to be really strategic about my studying. I spent a lot of time watching the online classes, and tutorials. I kind of feel like I should have spent more time doing timed practice, but I think that all of the theory that I learned helped a lot.

The test went well. Or at least I think that it went well. It is really hard to tell with that many multiple choice. I did struggle a bit with the logic games (which really annoyed me, since on my timed practices I was getting 21 or 22 correct...). But hopefully my Logic Reasoning will make up for it.

I am going to send off applications to the final two schools that I am applying to this week. And then it is just a waiting game!

How have you all been? I have missed the blogger world!