Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

 

You started off wonderfully. With a conversation about the rest of my life. And then several more conversations about weddings and marriage. And celebrating with friends. The love of my life and I decided that we would spend our lives together. And we got engaged.

 

Oh the joy! Of telling family and telling friends. Of the engagement cards in the mail. Of the sparkly diamond on my left hand that told the world; I'm going to spend the rest of my life, with my best friend.

 

And then came the planning. A tear filled visit to the bridal store with my mother and sister. Trying on dresses to walk down the isle in. To get married in. Ording a dress that was perfect, and amazing. Picking a photographer after stalking all the locals online, and getting a great deal. Finding a perfect place to hold the reception, who grew their own food, and would let us totally dictate the menu.

 

But then, 2010, somewhere around the middle of the year, you tried to warn me. Of what was coming. But I was reasurred, and comforted, and told that everything was going ok. All around me people said things like "typical" and "cold feet". The warning was not strong enough to warn me. Not serious enough for me to stop, and pay attention. And so I continued on with the planning. Picking strawberries and making 200 jars of jam with my mom and best friend. What a time! I learned so much.

 

Oh 2010, you were supposed to be the best year of my life! The year I got engaged! The year I got married! But, that isn't what happened. There were eight whole months of bliss, 2010, before it all fell apart. And the wedding was cancelled. And lives were changed.

 

And then came tears. And the sleepless nights. And the not eating (and then the eating too much!) And the confusion about what happened. And the anger at the universe for interupting my plans, and making me go through all this pain.

 

But there were lessons learned. Lessons about me, lessons about the world. Lessons that might not have been learned otherwise.I learned that I can survive bad things. That sometimes awful things happen. And you might not see them coming. I learned that it takes a lot of work to make the person who used to be most important in your life, a stranger. It takes visits to the bank, insurance company, lawyer. There is a lot of paperwork done, and a lot of money spent to become a single woman.

 

And there were glimmers of a new life. Dreams. Plans. There were thoughts about what to do, where to go, and who to be. There was a haircut (oh the haircut!) and eye surgery. And the studying. And the exam. All tiny pieces of who I am going to be in the future.

 

Oh 2010, I know I will look back at you, someday, and be thankful for all of this. Be thankful that I did not marry someone who did not love me enough to be my husband. Be thankful that he had the courage to stand up and tell me that he did not love me, like I loved him. I know that at some point all this pain and discomfort will be a memory. And it will not be the defining element of my life, as it is right now.

 

I am not sorry to see you go 2010. I am looking forward to having a new year, a new time, and some distance from you. I am looking forward to meeting people who only know my present, and who will only know what I tell them about my past. I am looking forward to not starting sentencse with "we" or "our" only to realize that there is no "us".

 

So, farewell 2010. I hope that some day I can look back on your fondly as a time of growth. As a turning point in my wonderful life.  I am happy to see you go, and happy to welcome 2011.

Love, 

TL

Random Thoughts

• I have completed all of the things on my December to do List, with the exception of my unwedding day - which is on Friday.

• Both of my best friends arrive tomorrow to spend said day with me.

• My best friends were born on the same day. I met one ten years before I met the other.

• I forgot to turn down the heat in my apartment before I left to go on vacation.

• I am not doing a very good job of losing the 20lbs that I gained since my breakup. I have been eating way too many holiday cookies. 

• I didn't know that this entire blog community existed until about 2 months ago. I am very thankful to have found other bloggers who are going through the same kind of thing that I am. I also thankful to all of you who take the time to read my posts, and comment (and those of you who take the time to read, and don't comment).

How was your day?

Well Wishes...

When I got up this morning, and checked my email, there was a message from a friend who lives in another part of the country. She was wishing me well, since my wedding is in just a couple of days.

When we got engaged, we shouted it from the rooftops. We posted it on Facebook. We sent emails. We announced it to everyone.

When we got un-engaged, not so much. We quietly deleted our relationship statuses. I basically hid in my new apartment for weeks. I sent emails to those closest to me, and hoped that they would tell the others.

The friend who emailed me this morning, is really just an acquaintance. We worked together at a summer camp, 7 years ago. We no longer have mutual friends, but have kept in touch through email and Facebook for the past number of years. I didn't tell her myself, so she didn't know.

I sent her back a quick email to let her know that I am not, getting married in a few days. How terrible.

I also decided to deactivate my Facebook account for the next little while. I don't want the same kind of thing happen, on a more public level. I don't want anyone to congratulate me on my big day. Or, worse, to say that they are "thinking of me today".

So I deactivated. Just for the next week or so. Those who  are close to me can call, text or email. Those who aren't, will have to sent their thoughts telepathically.

I wonder if my ex is getting the same kind of emails?

Deep Breaths...

I'm not going to lie. This week has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I was counting down the days to vacation. Counting down the days until I could be home, with my family. Away from my apartment, my job, the constant reminders of everything that has happened.

But, I think that being here, might be worse.

I am constantly reminded of what I am missing. I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling anxious. I keep fighting back tears.

And I keep putting on a brave face for my friends and family. I feel like I can't say anything, or do anything, because I don't want to upset anyone, and ruin their holiday time.

Whew. This holiday stuff is a lot of work.

I just need to keep on breathing deeply, and this too shall pass.

Right?

(PS... sorry for all the Debbie Downer posts. I was avoiding posting, and then decided it was better to be honest about how I am feeling...)

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. It always has been.

My parents throw a party on Christmas Eve, at their house. The family who is visiting that year will be there, and so will the neighbours. I grew up in a small town. And in a small subdivision, filled with families. Most of my best friends in the world grew up on the same street as I did.

When we were all kids, we would play in the basement, while our parents had a few drinks upstairs. It was a way to contain us all, until it was time for bed, and time for Santa to come. We would eat cookies and talk about all the awesome things that we were hoping for the next morning.

As we got older, the party spread. More neighbours came. More of our friends got invited. And our boyfriends. And their parents. As teenagers we hung out in the basement, watching MuchMusic. We were too cool to be excited for Christmas, so we watched music videos and played pool instead.

Once we all went away for university, we began looking forward to the neighbourhood party even more. We knew that it was the one night that we would all be in the same place. All of us childhood friends. We sent emails to each other in anticipation. We knew that everyone would be home together that night. We could now have a drink, eat some cookies and talk about the things that were going on in our lives.

Eventually we began bringing our girlfriends and boyfriends. Who would be spending Christmas with our families. Then came husbands, fiances, partners. There was less time spent in the basement, and more time spent with our parents, and our friends parents, talking about jobs, futures, weddings and children.

In the past few years, not everyone has been here. Now that we are all adults, sometimes we have to spend Christmas with our significant other's families. Two years ago, I missed Christmas Eve at home. Last year, my ex traveled with me, and we spent Christmas Eve here, with the family and the friends.

This year, we will have a small crew. Since most of the neighbourhood kids had been planning on spending New Years Eve with me (and thus, their families) they planned to spend Christmas Eve with their partner's families. Many have traveled away, and have made other plans.

But there will still be a few of us. My best friend. My sister. And we will certainly spend some time drinking. And laughing. And talking about the future.

And hopefully, next year, I can once again feel like this is truly the best time of year. And hopefully next year I can bask in the love of the family and friends who will be together to celebrate this truly traditional time of year.

Merry Christmas!

Overwhelmed...

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I made it home safely to my parents house. And all of my family is also home. My last aunt arrived this evening.

And I am overwhelmed.

I can't help but feel like something is missing. Some part of me is missing.

I am sleeping on a futon in the office, instead of in my childhood room, because that bed is bigger, and my sister and her boyfriend are sleeping in there.

Anytime my friends or my sister refer to their significant others, I feel a pang. I feel like I am being hurt by their happiness. Which then makes me feel terribly selfish and petty.

There are no peanut butter balls this Christmas, because those were my ex's favorite, and my mom would make them specially for him.

I know that this us just one year. And I know that, in time, this will all become insignificant. And I know that I shouldn't let this ruin my holidays entirely.

But I feel sad. And overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

In the past few months, I have not been surrounded by couples. I have been going out with my girl friends. And making new, single friends. But now, I am sitting around the supper table with my sister and her boyfriend. And talking about new houses, and new puppies, and new engagements with all of my coupled friends and family.

Hopefully this is just today, and I will feel better, more normal tomorrow.

Any suggestions to get me out of my funk?

Leaving, on a Jet-Plane

This morning I am off to my parents house for two full weeks of rest and relaxation. And festive sulking in their basement...

My entire family is going to be there. Grandmother. Parents. Aunts. Uncle. Sister & Boyfriend. The whole she-bang.

You see, they had already booked their time off. To celebrate my wedding.

In fact, both my best friend from high school, and my best friend from university are coming to spend my unwedding day with me.

We are experiencing a bit of a wind storm here on the east coast, so keep your fingers crossed that my plane gets up, and comes back down in the correct city. (None of that re-directing crap, you hear me west jet?)

Who are you spending the holidays with?