Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I was chubby. I am chubby?

I was a chubby baby. I was a chubby kid. I was a chubby teenager. And then I was a chubby adult. I was chubby.

Almost five years ago, my sister was visiting me. We were both still in university, and she was visiting me during her spring break. We had spent the week together and it was great. We saw a couple of shows, shopped, and hung out. I was cracking a lot of jokes about my weight. Covering how I was feeling about it with jokes. A friend had even joked that week that my sister looked like I would look if I was skinny. It was a terrible thing to hear, but I laughed my way though it. On the last day of my sister's vacation, we went to the mall. We were shopping for dresses, and I was in the dressing room trying one on. I couldn't get the zipper up, it was way too small. My sister innocently asked if she could get me the next size up. It was the biggest size in the store. I just brushed it off with more jokes.

I didn't realize it, but my sister was getting fed up with my jokes. I made one last joke as we were leaving the mall and she turned to me and said "If all you are going to do is talk about being fat, you are going to stay fat. If you don't want to be fat anymore, you are going to have to do something other than talk about it."

I was floored.

This was coming from my sister. My partner in crime, my love me unconditionally, never talk back to me, younger sister. I couldn't believe that she had said that. I was hurt. Really hurt.

But then I started thinking. She had a point. Nothing would change if I just kept making jokes. If I wanted something to change, I was going to have to do something.

So I turned to the trusty internet. And Googled the nearest Weight loss group. There was one that day, less than 2km from where I lived at the time. The universe was trying to tell me something.

And so I went. I went every week. And over the course of 6 months, I lost 50lbs. I hit my goal weight, and felt great.

And then I started to gain the weight back. I gained about 20lbs back, and basically stayed there. A bit overweight, but comfortable. And I stayed like that for about 4 years. I bounced up and down within a 10lb range, but I basically was happy where I was.

And then, I was broken up with.

Over the past 3 months, I have not been paying attention to what I have been eating. I have not been exercising. I have not been doing much of anything. And I have been gaining weight. And then, this week the weather was freezing, and I had to take out my winter coat.  And it was tight. Really tight. Like, hard to zipper tight.

So, tonight, I went back to the weight loss group. I got weighed in. And, I am almost back to my starting weight. From 5 years ago. And then I cried. And then I ate some ice cream.

So tomorrow, I get to start over again. Start over again trying to lose weight. Trying to get my body back to a place where I feel comfortable. Where my pants fit. I get to start again with the measuring, and counting and exercising. I really need to pay attention to what I am eating, and what I am doing in terms of exercise. And when I do that, I am able to manage my weight. But, when I don't pay attention, I get into trouble. So, I am starting in the morning, with an english muffin and some green tea. I am going to start again tomorrow.

I guess that's the thing about tomorrow, getting to start over.

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