Friday, November 26, 2010

I feel old.

Right around the time that my wedding was cancelled, I got a lot of advice. And words of encouragement. Many people told me that "everything happens for a reason". Which I am not sure  believe. I know, intellectually that in the grand scheme of my life, this year is going to become less significant than others. And that all of the wonderful things that are going to happen to me in the future, would never have happened (in the future) if this terrible break up did not happen to me (now). But, It is hard to tell your heart that, when it is breaking.

One of the things that people told me all the time was "don't worry, you're young, you have lots of time to meet someone".

That. Felt. Terrible.

I don't feel young. I feel old. I was four months away from my wedding. I was planning my next house, with a bigger kitchen, and a backyard big enough for a swing set. I was ready to start making babies, and creating a family.

I don't feel young. Because for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married, and have a family. Now, I am not someone who have been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. I hadn't really thought much about my wedding at all until I was engaged. But, I had been planning my marriage.

I have wanted a husband and a brood of kids since I, myself, was a kid. I have wanted to have someone to share my life with, and someone to raise a family with. I have always felt like I would have children young. I wanted to have 1.5 kids before I was thirty. And I have wanted that since I was about 11.

So, telling me that I am "so young" and that I have "so much time" was awful. I don't feel young.

This is the oldest I have ever been. I have nothing else to compare it to.

And, I know that I can have all of those things. And I know that eventually I will have them. And I know that I just have to be patient, and let this pass, and to let the universe do its work for me.

And I know that I am young.

But for now, I feel old.

(This is not me. Really.)


  1. I can't tell you how much I feel you on this. So many people have told me the same thing, and you've done such a good job putting it into words. I have never felt older since my breakup and cancelled wedding. I'm hoping I'll feel like my youngish self again soon - but it's hard when you are starting over and all those things you wanted (marriage, family, happily ever after) are suddenly not guaranteed to you (not that they ever were). It's so hard. I'm afraid I probably shouldn't keep reading through your old posts - it's just all too familiar. I hope that blogging helps you. It really has helped me get through my pain. And, I hope you find a community of readers such as mine. They've made a huge difference in my recovery.

  2. It is hard because no one really understands. To someone who is 40 and divorced, I have my whole life ahead of me. But to me, well, I guess it is all relative. Thanks for the comment. It is really great to hear someone say that they understand.