Dear 2010

Dear 2010,

 

You started off wonderfully. With a conversation about the rest of my life. And then several more conversations about weddings and marriage. And celebrating with friends. The love of my life and I decided that we would spend our lives together. And we got engaged.

 

Oh the joy! Of telling family and telling friends. Of the engagement cards in the mail. Of the sparkly diamond on my left hand that told the world; I'm going to spend the rest of my life, with my best friend.

 

And then came the planning. A tear filled visit to the bridal store with my mother and sister. Trying on dresses to walk down the isle in. To get married in. Ording a dress that was perfect, and amazing. Picking a photographer after stalking all the locals online, and getting a great deal. Finding a perfect place to hold the reception, who grew their own food, and would let us totally dictate the menu.

 

But then, 2010, somewhere around the middle of the year, you tried to warn me. Of what was coming. But I was reasurred, and comforted, and told that everything was going ok. All around me people said things like "typical" and "cold feet". The warning was not strong enough to warn me. Not serious enough for me to stop, and pay attention. And so I continued on with the planning. Picking strawberries and making 200 jars of jam with my mom and best friend. What a time! I learned so much.

 

Oh 2010, you were supposed to be the best year of my life! The year I got engaged! The year I got married! But, that isn't what happened. There were eight whole months of bliss, 2010, before it all fell apart. And the wedding was cancelled. And lives were changed.

 

And then came tears. And the sleepless nights. And the not eating (and then the eating too much!) And the confusion about what happened. And the anger at the universe for interupting my plans, and making me go through all this pain.

 

But there were lessons learned. Lessons about me, lessons about the world. Lessons that might not have been learned otherwise.I learned that I can survive bad things. That sometimes awful things happen. And you might not see them coming. I learned that it takes a lot of work to make the person who used to be most important in your life, a stranger. It takes visits to the bank, insurance company, lawyer. There is a lot of paperwork done, and a lot of money spent to become a single woman.

 

And there were glimmers of a new life. Dreams. Plans. There were thoughts about what to do, where to go, and who to be. There was a haircut (oh the haircut!) and eye surgery. And the studying. And the exam. All tiny pieces of who I am going to be in the future.

 

Oh 2010, I know I will look back at you, someday, and be thankful for all of this. Be thankful that I did not marry someone who did not love me enough to be my husband. Be thankful that he had the courage to stand up and tell me that he did not love me, like I loved him. I know that at some point all this pain and discomfort will be a memory. And it will not be the defining element of my life, as it is right now.

 

I am not sorry to see you go 2010. I am looking forward to having a new year, a new time, and some distance from you. I am looking forward to meeting people who only know my present, and who will only know what I tell them about my past. I am looking forward to not starting sentencse with "we" or "our" only to realize that there is no "us".

 

So, farewell 2010. I hope that some day I can look back on your fondly as a time of growth. As a turning point in my wonderful life.  I am happy to see you go, and happy to welcome 2011.

Love, 

TL

Random Thoughts

• I have completed all of the things on my December to do List, with the exception of my unwedding day - which is on Friday.

• Both of my best friends arrive tomorrow to spend said day with me.

• My best friends were born on the same day. I met one ten years before I met the other.

• I forgot to turn down the heat in my apartment before I left to go on vacation.

• I am not doing a very good job of losing the 20lbs that I gained since my breakup. I have been eating way too many holiday cookies. 

• I didn't know that this entire blog community existed until about 2 months ago. I am very thankful to have found other bloggers who are going through the same kind of thing that I am. I also thankful to all of you who take the time to read my posts, and comment (and those of you who take the time to read, and don't comment).

How was your day?

Well Wishes...

When I got up this morning, and checked my email, there was a message from a friend who lives in another part of the country. She was wishing me well, since my wedding is in just a couple of days.

When we got engaged, we shouted it from the rooftops. We posted it on Facebook. We sent emails. We announced it to everyone.

When we got un-engaged, not so much. We quietly deleted our relationship statuses. I basically hid in my new apartment for weeks. I sent emails to those closest to me, and hoped that they would tell the others.

The friend who emailed me this morning, is really just an acquaintance. We worked together at a summer camp, 7 years ago. We no longer have mutual friends, but have kept in touch through email and Facebook for the past number of years. I didn't tell her myself, so she didn't know.

I sent her back a quick email to let her know that I am not, getting married in a few days. How terrible.

I also decided to deactivate my Facebook account for the next little while. I don't want the same kind of thing happen, on a more public level. I don't want anyone to congratulate me on my big day. Or, worse, to say that they are "thinking of me today".

So I deactivated. Just for the next week or so. Those who  are close to me can call, text or email. Those who aren't, will have to sent their thoughts telepathically.

I wonder if my ex is getting the same kind of emails?

Deep Breaths...

I'm not going to lie. This week has been a lot harder than I thought it would be.

I was counting down the days to vacation. Counting down the days until I could be home, with my family. Away from my apartment, my job, the constant reminders of everything that has happened.

But, I think that being here, might be worse.

I am constantly reminded of what I am missing. I am feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling anxious. I keep fighting back tears.

And I keep putting on a brave face for my friends and family. I feel like I can't say anything, or do anything, because I don't want to upset anyone, and ruin their holiday time.

Whew. This holiday stuff is a lot of work.

I just need to keep on breathing deeply, and this too shall pass.

Right?

(PS... sorry for all the Debbie Downer posts. I was avoiding posting, and then decided it was better to be honest about how I am feeling...)

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year. It always has been.

My parents throw a party on Christmas Eve, at their house. The family who is visiting that year will be there, and so will the neighbours. I grew up in a small town. And in a small subdivision, filled with families. Most of my best friends in the world grew up on the same street as I did.

When we were all kids, we would play in the basement, while our parents had a few drinks upstairs. It was a way to contain us all, until it was time for bed, and time for Santa to come. We would eat cookies and talk about all the awesome things that we were hoping for the next morning.

As we got older, the party spread. More neighbours came. More of our friends got invited. And our boyfriends. And their parents. As teenagers we hung out in the basement, watching MuchMusic. We were too cool to be excited for Christmas, so we watched music videos and played pool instead.

Once we all went away for university, we began looking forward to the neighbourhood party even more. We knew that it was the one night that we would all be in the same place. All of us childhood friends. We sent emails to each other in anticipation. We knew that everyone would be home together that night. We could now have a drink, eat some cookies and talk about the things that were going on in our lives.

Eventually we began bringing our girlfriends and boyfriends. Who would be spending Christmas with our families. Then came husbands, fiances, partners. There was less time spent in the basement, and more time spent with our parents, and our friends parents, talking about jobs, futures, weddings and children.

In the past few years, not everyone has been here. Now that we are all adults, sometimes we have to spend Christmas with our significant other's families. Two years ago, I missed Christmas Eve at home. Last year, my ex traveled with me, and we spent Christmas Eve here, with the family and the friends.

This year, we will have a small crew. Since most of the neighbourhood kids had been planning on spending New Years Eve with me (and thus, their families) they planned to spend Christmas Eve with their partner's families. Many have traveled away, and have made other plans.

But there will still be a few of us. My best friend. My sister. And we will certainly spend some time drinking. And laughing. And talking about the future.

And hopefully, next year, I can once again feel like this is truly the best time of year. And hopefully next year I can bask in the love of the family and friends who will be together to celebrate this truly traditional time of year.

Merry Christmas!

Overwhelmed...

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I made it home safely to my parents house. And all of my family is also home. My last aunt arrived this evening.

And I am overwhelmed.

I can't help but feel like something is missing. Some part of me is missing.

I am sleeping on a futon in the office, instead of in my childhood room, because that bed is bigger, and my sister and her boyfriend are sleeping in there.

Anytime my friends or my sister refer to their significant others, I feel a pang. I feel like I am being hurt by their happiness. Which then makes me feel terribly selfish and petty.

There are no peanut butter balls this Christmas, because those were my ex's favorite, and my mom would make them specially for him.

I know that this us just one year. And I know that, in time, this will all become insignificant. And I know that I shouldn't let this ruin my holidays entirely.

But I feel sad. And overwhelmed by everything that is going on.

In the past few months, I have not been surrounded by couples. I have been going out with my girl friends. And making new, single friends. But now, I am sitting around the supper table with my sister and her boyfriend. And talking about new houses, and new puppies, and new engagements with all of my coupled friends and family.

Hopefully this is just today, and I will feel better, more normal tomorrow.

Any suggestions to get me out of my funk?

Leaving, on a Jet-Plane

This morning I am off to my parents house for two full weeks of rest and relaxation. And festive sulking in their basement...

My entire family is going to be there. Grandmother. Parents. Aunts. Uncle. Sister & Boyfriend. The whole she-bang.

You see, they had already booked their time off. To celebrate my wedding.

In fact, both my best friend from high school, and my best friend from university are coming to spend my unwedding day with me.

We are experiencing a bit of a wind storm here on the east coast, so keep your fingers crossed that my plane gets up, and comes back down in the correct city. (None of that re-directing crap, you hear me west jet?)

Who are you spending the holidays with?

A Caroling I go...

I went Christmas Caroling on Saturday night.

Honest to goodness, door to door, Christmas Caroling.

One of my new friends is engaged to a member of a local band. And they had the idea to do come caroling. So they gathered their friends together, and chose some songs. And then realized they were short on girls. They did not want to be an all male caroling team. So, I ended up getting a friend of a friend of the band invite.

We showed up at the meeting place, practiced for about an hour, and then head out, door to door.

It was amazing.

I have been really resisting the holidays this year. I haven't felt festive. I haven't been able to enjoy all the parts of Christmas, because I feel out of place. I couldn't send Christmas cards this year, because I couldn't face signing just my name. I couldn't bake pies or cookies, because I didn't have in laws to share them with. I did most of my shopping online, because I was afraid that I would run into someone in the mall who was going to ask me about my wedding.

But, since I think that the local news anchors are celebrities, I had to go caroling when the local band was looking for extras. (They are practically famous!)

And I had a great time!

It was raining, but not that cold. And everyone was having a great time! We stopped mostly at homes of people that we knew (or that someone in the group knew) and sang for a while. 


Occasionally we got invited in for a drink, and did some more singing inside. We did knock on a few strangers doors, and even went into a small Chinese takeout place to sing to the employees (who, by the way, were terrified of us... there may have been some cultural confusion going on).

And we sounded good! We were singing in four part harmony (and by we, I mean the group. I was singing melody. Quietly. As not to disrupt the great singers that were there).

And I felt festive! I was shaking my jingle bells, and singling my heart out (quietly).

What has put you in the Christmas Spirit this year?

New Friends

I lost some friends in my breakup.

 

It is funny isn't it? You don't really think of whose friends are whose when you are in a relationship. You just think of them as friends. People you spend time with on the weekends. People you go on vacations with. You think of them as your friends.

 

But then when there is a break up, the lines are divided. You lose friends. In fact, you might never hear from people who you thought to be your good friends. They might not call/email/facebook you at all. And you aren't sure what you will say to then when you run into them. Because you are bound to, at some point.

 

So yeah, I lost some friends.

 

But there has been space left in my life for new friends.

 

I've started hanging out with a great bunch of women. Some of who are single. One of who has been through an awful divorce in the past few years. They are friends of friends. And now, I am getting invited to events and get togethers. With new friends.

 

It is interesting being friends with people who only know me as a single person. Who never met my ex. And who don't really see me as someone who was ready to settle down. It is strange that they don't know what my house was like, or what my life was like. They only know me as I am now.

 

And even though they didn't know me before, they have been amazingly supportive. Inviting me to parties. Inviting me for supper. Suggesting books. Sending emails to check on me after my surgery. Being great friends.

 

Losing friends, and losing relationships isn't all bad.

 

Sometimes you end up with brand new friends.

 

Taste Test

I love Etsy. A lot.

Most of the Christmas Presents that I am giving this year, are coming from etsy.

And I just found Etsy's Taste Test. You click on a bunch of random items that you like, and they put together a compilation of things that they think you will like.

Here are a few things they thought I would like:

Yarn Wreath

The funny thing about this wreath is that I made on similar to this in September, and it is hanging on my front door right now!

Swingset Photo

I love this print. I am not sure why. I don't have anything like it in my home, I actually don't have many photographs in my home, but I LOVE this print. In fact, I have added it to my etsy faves, and my order if after Christmas (because everyone knows that you can't buy yourself anything this close to Christmas...)

Red Rose cut Diamond Ring

This ring is beautiful. I love it.

Here is the complete list of things that Etsy suggested that I would like. You can try the taste test for yourself right here. What you do think? Did etsy get your taste correct?

** Also, my eye surgery went perfectly! I am now seeing 20/20! Yay!

Eyeballs

I am marking another thing off my 101 in 1001 list today!

I am getting lasik eye surgery! No more glasses for me!

My appointment is in about an hour, and I am pretty stoked.

I have been making so many huge changes over the past few months, and this is another one to add to the list. I am really excited to ditch my glasses. I have been wearing them for most of my life!

So, if I am MIA over the next couple of days, I am recovering... when my sister had her surgery, she had a hard time looking at the computer screen for the first little while. Hopefully I will be back to 100% by Monday.

Wish me luck!

Anger

I talked to my ex this week.

For the first time since we finalized our separation.

I got an email from the minister at the church that we were supposed to get married in. He was wondering about the ceremony. And looking to get together to sort out the details. And wondering if we had our marriage license yet. Since we are less than 3 weeks from our unwedding date.

When we broke up, my family and I cancelled everything. Since I had been dealing with most of the vendors, I called them, and let them know. We asked for deposits back (one of which we got) and told companies that we would no longer need their services. Vendors that I had forgotten called or emailed throughout the past 4 months, and I let them know. It is awful to have to tell people over and over, in fact, I am not getting married.

The one thing that I had asked my ex to do, was call the church.

Which, he did not do. What a fucker.

  

So when I got the email from the minister, I picked up the phone and I called him. Just to tell him that I had gotten the email. And to remind him that I had cancelled every single thing for the wedding, and had asked him to do one thing. And that he couldn't even do that. He had pretty much nothing to say to me. He said it slipped his mind. He said he was sorry. That was it.

I was furious. 

I ended up sobbing with my head on my desk, calling my mom, and going home from work two hours early.

What kills me, is that over the past 4 months, I have been defending him. When people reacted with anger towards him for breaking up with me suddenly, I defended him. Asked what they thought he should have done. Told them that he didn't mean for this to happen. And that it wasn't just me that he hadn't been honest with, he hadn't been honest with himself. I defended him over and over.

But, I shouldn't have been defending him. Because he is a coward. He didn't even have the courage to call the church. Or ask someone else to call the church. In the first 3 weeks after we broke up and he was staying at this parents house, he had to drive by that church on his way to work, and back. And even now, each time he goes to his parents, which is eat least once a week, he has to drive by that church. What a fucking coward.

I realized yesterday (during my therapy appointment) just how passive he really is. That throughout our relationship, I saw him as laid back. Low key. But that it is not it at all. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling during our relationship. And then he couldn't find any other way to deal with that, than to break up with me. And then, he couldn't face the minister to cancel our wedding. He isn't a low key guy. He is a passive coward.

My therapist has been talking about the stages of grief in our sessions... I think I might be getting to anger.

Test Time!

I know I haven't mentioned anything about the LSAT since I wrote it on Saturday. Over the past couple of days, I have been thinking about how it went. My friend and family have all been asking the same thing, "How did it go?!"

Really, it is hard to tell.

It is a timed exam. So almost all writers have a hard time finishing each section. You have to be quick. You cna't take too much time to second guess yourself. You rarely have time to go back and recheck your answers.

There are five sections in total, plus a writing sample. One of the five sections isn't marked, and is used to test questions that may be used in future exams. The catch is, you don't know which of the sections is the test section. So, if the first section that I wrote is the test section, then I think I did fairly well. If that section was not the test section, I might be in trouble.

Marks will be out sometime between now and January 10.

So, I will just have to wait and see. And get started on the application process.

Anyone want to write an academic reference for me?

Holy Heat Batman!

The heat and hot water are included as a part of the rent in the apartment that I live in. Which is amazing for me. Because I love warm. I hate being cold. I love my home to be snuggly, not nippy have to wear a sweater...

But I think there is something wrong with my heater. No, I know something is wrong with my heater. When I got home from work today it was HOT in here. So I thought that maybe I had just left the heat up, so I turned it down. I had a hair appointment, so I left for a few hours.

When I got home? HOT. So I turned the heat all the way off.

There is still heat coming from the heaters.

But, it is too late to call my landlord to tell them I think something is up. And really? What are they going to do at this point, anyways?

Now, I am lying on my couch wearing pajama bottoms and a tank top. And it is HOT in here. Really hot.

I might melt.

Missing my Dreams

I wrote this post a few weeks ago. And I have been mulling over whether to post it or not. I feel like I have healed a bit more since it was written, but I do still feel this way most of the time. As everyone keeps saying, these things take time.


It is funny. I don't even really miss him that much. Which now, looking back, speaks volumes about our relationship.

I miss my old life. I really loved my old life. I really loved him, and the future we were building together. I loved getting up on Saturday mornings together, cleaning the house, heading to Costco, and going out for dinner with friends. I loved planning our next house. What the kitchen would be like, what the floors would look like, what color we would paint the living room. I wanted a view of the ocean in the next house. He thought it would be too expensive. I loved being his future wife, the future mother of his children. I miss those things. I miss the future that I am never going to have with him. I miss the dreams that I had.

I miss feeling the way that I felt. Before. I miss feeling like things were going my way. Like I had really found my person. Like I had found something special. Our relationship moved quickly in the beginning. We had bought a house together before our first anniversary. Everyone told us we were crazy. We used to laugh. They didn't know what we knew.

I miss feeling like life is easy. I miss feeling like relationships can work, if you work at them, if you are committed. I really felt that way. That relationships could work, marriages could work, if you committed, and loved one another. And they could work, because even when you felt iffy about something, or nervous about something, you remembered that you had committed to that person, and you love them. And that is why you are making things work.

One of the hardest things about this whole ordeal is that I really loved him. And I was going to marry him. I was going to commit my life to his. And until the day that he said that he couldn't marry me, that we had to break up, I had no idea. I had no idea that he didn't think and want those things too. How could I have not known? How could I have been planning our wedding, planning our marriage, and not known?

My sister says that no one knew. That he had hidden how he had been feeling from everyone. From me, from my family, from his family, from our friends. That it isn't my fault, because he was fooling everyone. But I can't help but feel like I should have known. It was me who was looking him in the eyes while he told me he loved me. And that he wanted me to be his wife.

I guess all I can do is hope that the things that I felt before, will come back. That I will believe in love and marriage again. That I will be able to trust someone, and believe them when they say they want to spend their life with me. That I will, at some point, plan a new future, with another man. That I will dream about houses and children and vacations with our families.

And for now, I'll just hold on to that little piece of hope.

I had a bad day

I had a client meeting at work today, that was miscommunicated. And by miscommunicated I mean, that my client did not correctly read the email that I sent her, and I showed up at her office for the meeting, while she was showing up at my office. Across town.

When I finally reached her on the phone, she said that she didn't want to meet with me, since my boss was sick today and she would prefer not to meet with "just me".  Mind you, there was no reason for my boss to attend the meeting at all really, he was just going to sit in. (He was promoted a few years ago, and I was hired. Most clients were fine with the handover. She is not one of them). She thought it was best we reschedule.

So yeah, bad day.

I now hate bad days. I hate snags in my plans.

Because bad days remind me that I am alone. That I don't have anyone to come home to. That no one is going to give me a hug, and make me some supper, and tell me that my client is stupid, and my boss is stupid, and I am too awesome for this stupid job anyways.

I come home to an empty apartment. Which reminds me that I am alone. Because the place is a total mess. Because I have been studying like a maniac this week, and when I am not studying, I am lying on the couch interneting or tving. Because I don't want to use any of my energy on something lame, like cleaning. I am reminded that I am alone because all I want for supper is cereal, but I have forgotten to pick up milk four days in a row, and there is no one to call and say "hey, can you pick up some milk?" because I live alone.

And it doesn't help, that I have not been sleeping well at all this week.

I'm tired. And I have more studying to do. Bad days suck.

Blowing off some post break-up rage?

I am exhausted today. I am still not sleeping well, and I have 2 study days left before the LSAT. Yikes.

So, I am just going to leave you with my current dance-around-the-apartment-and-blow-off-post-break-up-rage song.



How do you blow off steam? Does it include jazz hands?

They loan you books, FOR FREE!

I am an avid reader. I read quickly, and I will read just about anything.

About two years ago, I had a major reading breakthrough... The Library! Since going to university, I had basically forgotten about the library in a non-academic sense. I had been getting coffee just down the street from my house, and saw a tiny little public library. It was closed. So I checked the website, and made plans to go and take a look.

The morning I had planned to go, there was a snowstorm. But, I put on my boots, and headed out anyways. When I got there, it was open! This tiny library was amazing! It was filled with fiction! And personal growth non-fiction. There was a teeny-tiny reference section, but it was mostly books for personal interest.

I was stoked.

I loaded up my arms with books, and signed up for a library card. The librarian told me all about their website, where I could request any book I wanted, and they would try to get it in. Any book I wanted.

I came home from the library that morning, and was so excited. "But, they loan you books for free!" I kept telling then boyfriend, now ex. "FOR FREE!" As a non-reader, he was not nearly as excited as me.

So, I am a library user. I keep a list of books that I want to read at goodreads.com, and then I also keep track of books that I have read. Now, because of the library, I am able to read a book every week. Often, I read more than one book in a week. (For Free!) I check my goodreads for books I want to read, request them on the library website, and go to pick them up. At the public library. For free.

Anywho...

I am going to be off work for two weeks surrounding the holidays, and am going to be visiting my parents the entire time. I am going to have loads of time to relax, and to read.

In the past, when I am looking for a holiday read, I have gone towards ChickLit romance-y type books. Some of my favorites over the past couple of years have been The Time Traveler's Wife, P.S. I Love You, and Revolutionary Road(wow, looking back on my goodreads ratings, I am really hard on books! Of my 92 read books, only 3 were given 5 stars!).

Since the holidays this year are going to be pretty challenging, I want to read some non-romance books. I want something that is not going to remind me of what a terrible state my love life has been in this year.

So, what do you read? What have you read? Any great book recommendations for me?

(Because I can request the book at the library. They loan you books for free, you know.)

So little time...

This week might eat me alive.

I have 5 study days left before I write the Law School Admission Test (LSAT).

Almost immediately after my breakup, I decided that I wanted to go to Law School. It was something that I had thought a bit about in the past. Something that I had never given any serious thought, but had remained somewhere in the back of my head. After I finished my undergraduate degree, I was burnt out. I just wanted to get a job, and live a little.I didn't want to spend any more time in school or studying. Less than a year after finishing, I met my ex. And we started building a life together. I didn't really ever think about law school again.

But then the plans changed. And I had a whole world in front of me. Even before I had finalized my separation, I went to the library and borrowed a LSAT preparation book. And I started to study.

And now here I am, a week away from the test. I have been spending quite a bit of time studying (though not nearly as much time as I should, and not nearly as much time as my googling has recommended). But I am getting ready to write. My undergraduate marks are not spectacular (that ship has sailed!) so I really need to rely on the LSAT to get me a spot at the law school of my choice. (Who am I kidding, I need to rely on a good LSAT score to get me a spot at any law school).

So think positive thought for me this week, and on Saturday morning send lots of positive thoughts to the universe to allow me to get all the multiple choice that I end up guessing at correct!

What is on your agenda for this week?

Tweet with me?

I signed up for twitter this weekend! I even added one of those fancy button things to the sidebar. It is all very impressive.




Tweet with me?

If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

One of the strange things about the breakup, was not wearing my engagement ring anymore. It was something that I had checked my hand for constantly, to make sure that I hadn't lost it. And then when I stopped wearing it, well, it was awful. I was continuously checking my hand, thinking I had lost the ring. And then I would remember that it wasn't lost at all.

So, I decided that I would buy myself a ring. One to wear on my right hand. One to remind me of my strength. One to remind me that I could get through this.

So, I turned to Etsy. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I was sure that I would find whatever it was on etsy.

I wanted something that I could put text on. I wanted something simple. And then I came across Katherine Riechert Jewelry. Her pieces were dainty and beautiful.

And so I ordered a Tiny Text - Thin Posey Ring. I had it inscribed on the inside. It reads "Strength. Courage. Wisdom." I love it. It constantly reminds me to breathe, and that I can make it through all of this.

What kinds of things to you have the help you through the tough stuff?

I can't sleep

I have been having trouble sleeping since, well since my world was turned upside down. I can't get to sleep at night, and I wake up super early in the mornings.

This is much better than it was in the beginning. At first, I couldn't get to sleep, I couldn't stay asleep, and I was wide awake at 5am (I don't have to get up for work until 7:30).

Now, I know that part of this is my fault. You see, I dread going to bed. I dread the moment when the tv is turned off, and I am alone in my apartment. Brushing my teeth, washing my face, and heading to bed. I dread lying in my bed alone. It is the only time of the day that I can't distract myself with something else. That I feel truly alone.

But even when I do get into bed early. I lie awake.

I have tried a few different things. All natural vitamins such as valerian root and melatonin. I have tried drinking warm tea before bed, having a bath, reading a book. I've used earplugs, listened to calming music (or boring LSAT reviews).

For the past few weeks, I have even been going to see an acupuncturist who is claiming to be able to help restore the balance of energy in my body to help reduce the anxiety and help me sleep. Or something.

I do have a prescription from the doctor. But, she recommended that I try it out on the weekend, because it may make me foggy for a day or so. But, since I am using my weekends studying for the LSAT, I don't want to risk being foggy for a day.

Here's the thing about not being able to sleep. You. Are. Tired. Obviously, right? But not sleeping for months on end makes you feel more than tired, it makes you feel run down. I am nauseous often. I am getting headaches. My allergies are out of control. I have had more sore throats in the past 3 months, than I had all last year. My body is tired. (I am actually home from work sick today).

I have another acupuncture appointment this afternoon. So hopefully it will help me sleep tonight.

Any tips or tricks to help with sleeping?

Happy December!

I forgot to say so yesterday, but, HAPPY DECEMBER!

I have a HUGE month this month. Here are a few of the things that I am doing:

• Starting a Book Club
• Writing the LSAT exam
• Getting Laser Eye surgery
• Visiting my parents (vacation from work!)
• Christmas Eve party
• Christmas
• My Unwedding day (aka New Years Eve)

What do you have planned for December?

Run?

I keep thinking about running away. From my life here, from my problems. From all the reminders of my old life. I got asked about my wedding yesterday. It was by a retired woman who volunteers at my office. It was awful. She felt embarrassed, and I had no idea what to say. How do you politely say, "my fiancé left me"?

So, I have been thinking about going somewhere. More like daydreaming really, about packing my things, putting them in storage, and going on an adventure.

One of my frequent adventure fantasies is to go to the UK, maybe England or Scotland, and work for a year. Nothing fancy, really. I could just work in a hotel, or bar. And meet some people. And spend my weekends travelling around Europe.

Or maybe I could just backpack for a while. Not take a full year, just travel for a while in Europe, seeing places and things that I haven't seen before. I could start off with a group tour of some kind, and then branch off on my own. Would that be too scary? Could I do it on my own?

I could apply for a job on a cruise line. This is actually that I could do something in the line of work that I am in. I have a degree that lends itself to this kind of work. I could hop on a boat, and travel the world. I would be setup for friend making, and money making. I could work with kids, or plan the activities. I have all kinds of skills that would work in the cruise world.

Do you ever think about running away? Where would you go?

Random Thoughts

• I do not have my snow tires on my car yet. It snowed here today. Tomorrow me, and all the other slackers in this city, are going to be lining up to get tires changed over.
• I had homemade pizza with a couple of friends tonight. New friends are exciting.
• When something bad happens to you, you realize that bad thing sometimes happen to  good people. This is because other people start sharing their stories with you.
• I love the Biggest Loser. I can't get enough.
• I weighed in at the weight loss group tonight and lost 3.8lbs this week.
• I am almost done Christmas shopping. I can't wait until I can go home and hide out in my parents house.
• I need to make an appointment to get my hair coloured sometime before Christmas.
• I went to the dentist today. I hate the dentist.

How was your day?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Last week I read this post, about winter time. And it got me thinking. I kind of do love winter.

We all complain all the time about snow, and cold, and icy roads. Don't get me wrong, I hate being cold. But, as long as the heat is on when I come inside. I do like winter. I don't like running to the car and shivering halfway to work before the car heats up, but, I do like the snow. I don't like sliding all over the road  on my way to work, but I do like bundling up before I go out to shovel.

Here are some things that I do love about this season

• Snow Days! I live near the ocean. This means that it is windy. Really windy. So when we get snow, we have wind. And sometimes rain. Which makes is messy outside. I love waking up and finding out that the city is closed down, and I can spend the day on my couch watching daytime TV  working from home.

• Toques. I'm Canadian. I love them.

• Snowshoeing. I love hiking. Hiking in the snow is excellent.

• Hot Chocolate. I love some good hot chocolate. I love making it at home, I love getting it at Tims. I love taking it snowshoeing with me in a thermos.

• My new Uggs. I actually just got them, and have only worn them about a dozen times. But, I love them already. I love being able to pull them on with no socks and walk to the store. Plus, I feel super cool wearing them.

• The cozy feeling your house has at nighttime. It is different in the winter. Coming home to a cozy house, wrapping up in a blanket and watching a movie. (With hot chocolate).

• Sledding. Hurling yourself down a hill, on a small piece of plastic. So. Much. Fun. (Although, I am much more afraid of the hills now than when I was younger. And last winter I went sledding with a group of kids I volunteer with, and ended up with bruises all over me.) 

What about you? What do you love about winter?

101 in 1001

My 101 in 1001 list  is up!

I have been thinking about doing a 101 in 1001 list for about 2 years now. I read about it a while ago, and thought it was awesome. Since I am a planner this really appealed to me. Over the past couple of years, I have had different forms of life lists and to do lists floating around in my google documents. This week, I sat down, mashed all the lists together, numbered them, added some more items, and came up with my 101 in 1001 list.

(This is not actually how I composed my list)

And now I am ready to start crossing things off!

Do you have a 101 in 1001 list?

Quietly...

I read this blog post about what it means to be single. And I loved it. It really showed how I have been feeling about being single, since I am very newly single and just getting used to it.

I think the silence things is the thing that makes the most sense to me. Right now, it is 10:13am on a Saturday morning. I woke up shortly after 9 (it was actually 9:11 on my clock when I woke up, weird). And I haven't spoken yet. I haven't turned on the tv, or the radio. It is quiet. Really quiet.

I have no real big plans for the day. I have a load of work to do today, so I am going to be putting some quiet time in at home today, and probably tonight. It is going to be a day very filled with silence.

I am going to go to the coffee shop in a few minutes to get some tea and a bagel, and will have to speak to order, but then it will be back to my apartment, and back to silence.

I am slowly getting used to the silence. And just me.

The only time that I seem to mind the silence is at bedtime. When I turn off the tv, wash my face & brush my teeth, and get into bed. Sure, I read for a little while. But then the lights go out. And it is quiet. Really quiet. Sometimes, in fact, it is too quiet for me. And I turn on the dehumidifier for some background noise. So that I can't hear the wind, the creaks & cracks or my own breathing.

But I do really love being able to do things on my own time. Getting ready in the morning, and washing my face at night. And having the bathroom all to myself. If I leave the cabinet door open, it is still open when I get home. It is nice to never have anyone moving your things. Everything is right where you left it*.

*This doesn't work as well when you can't find something though... no one to ask if they have seen whatever it is that you are missing. Which reminds me, has anyone seen my pink glasses? I have no idea where they are.


What do you love/hate about being single?

I feel old.

Right around the time that my wedding was cancelled, I got a lot of advice. And words of encouragement. Many people told me that "everything happens for a reason". Which I am not sure  believe. I know, intellectually that in the grand scheme of my life, this year is going to become less significant than others. And that all of the wonderful things that are going to happen to me in the future, would never have happened (in the future) if this terrible break up did not happen to me (now). But, It is hard to tell your heart that, when it is breaking.

One of the things that people told me all the time was "don't worry, you're young, you have lots of time to meet someone".

That. Felt. Terrible.

I don't feel young. I feel old. I was four months away from my wedding. I was planning my next house, with a bigger kitchen, and a backyard big enough for a swing set. I was ready to start making babies, and creating a family.

I don't feel young. Because for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married, and have a family. Now, I am not someone who have been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. I hadn't really thought much about my wedding at all until I was engaged. But, I had been planning my marriage.

I have wanted a husband and a brood of kids since I, myself, was a kid. I have wanted to have someone to share my life with, and someone to raise a family with. I have always felt like I would have children young. I wanted to have 1.5 kids before I was thirty. And I have wanted that since I was about 11.

So, telling me that I am "so young" and that I have "so much time" was awful. I don't feel young.

This is the oldest I have ever been. I have nothing else to compare it to.

And, I know that I can have all of those things. And I know that eventually I will have them. And I know that I just have to be patient, and let this pass, and to let the universe do its work for me.

And I know that I am young.

But for now, I feel old.

(This is not me. Really.)

I have a confession...

I'm going to miss watching Oprah.

I have been watching Oprah on and off for my entire life. My mom watches Oprah. And she did when I was a kid. So, most days, Oprah was on in my household, and from about age 11 on, I watched it. Not every day... but probably once a week or so.

I even watch some of the Oprah spinoffs. Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus

So yeah, I love Oprah. And I'm going to her.

I was chubby. I am chubby?

I was a chubby baby. I was a chubby kid. I was a chubby teenager. And then I was a chubby adult. I was chubby.

Almost five years ago, my sister was visiting me. We were both still in university, and she was visiting me during her spring break. We had spent the week together and it was great. We saw a couple of shows, shopped, and hung out. I was cracking a lot of jokes about my weight. Covering how I was feeling about it with jokes. A friend had even joked that week that my sister looked like I would look if I was skinny. It was a terrible thing to hear, but I laughed my way though it. On the last day of my sister's vacation, we went to the mall. We were shopping for dresses, and I was in the dressing room trying one on. I couldn't get the zipper up, it was way too small. My sister innocently asked if she could get me the next size up. It was the biggest size in the store. I just brushed it off with more jokes.

I didn't realize it, but my sister was getting fed up with my jokes. I made one last joke as we were leaving the mall and she turned to me and said "If all you are going to do is talk about being fat, you are going to stay fat. If you don't want to be fat anymore, you are going to have to do something other than talk about it."

I was floored.

This was coming from my sister. My partner in crime, my love me unconditionally, never talk back to me, younger sister. I couldn't believe that she had said that. I was hurt. Really hurt.

But then I started thinking. She had a point. Nothing would change if I just kept making jokes. If I wanted something to change, I was going to have to do something.

So I turned to the trusty internet. And Googled the nearest Weight loss group. There was one that day, less than 2km from where I lived at the time. The universe was trying to tell me something.

And so I went. I went every week. And over the course of 6 months, I lost 50lbs. I hit my goal weight, and felt great.

And then I started to gain the weight back. I gained about 20lbs back, and basically stayed there. A bit overweight, but comfortable. And I stayed like that for about 4 years. I bounced up and down within a 10lb range, but I basically was happy where I was.

And then, I was broken up with.

Over the past 3 months, I have not been paying attention to what I have been eating. I have not been exercising. I have not been doing much of anything. And I have been gaining weight. And then, this week the weather was freezing, and I had to take out my winter coat.  And it was tight. Really tight. Like, hard to zipper tight.

So, tonight, I went back to the weight loss group. I got weighed in. And, I am almost back to my starting weight. From 5 years ago. And then I cried. And then I ate some ice cream.

So tomorrow, I get to start over again. Start over again trying to lose weight. Trying to get my body back to a place where I feel comfortable. Where my pants fit. I get to start again with the measuring, and counting and exercising. I really need to pay attention to what I am eating, and what I am doing in terms of exercise. And when I do that, I am able to manage my weight. But, when I don't pay attention, I get into trouble. So, I am starting in the morning, with an english muffin and some green tea. I am going to start again tomorrow.

I guess that's the thing about tomorrow, getting to start over.

Goals

I read this post the other day, and it got me thinking. What are 30 things that I want to accomplish before I am 30?

As I have mentioned before, I am a planner. I love to plan. So, something like this, setting a certain number of goals in a certain time frame, sounds great.

The thing is, that I am still a few years from 30.

And then I remembered 101 in 1001. I had seen this in blogs in the past. The basic idea is that you choose 101 goals to reach in 1001 days. The goals can be anything. They can range from "Buy a new Bike" to "Go Skydiving".  Here is a list of the top 101 (although after reading those, I find some of them really strange...) 

So, I have started my list. I am going to take the next couple of days (weeks?) to compile 101 things that I want to do with my life in the next 1001 days. And then I will share them with you.

What are your goals? Have you put them in list form?

Rocking Out

I went out dancing on Saturday night.

With my girl friends, after a couple of bottles of wine.

It was the first time that I had been out, and single, since early 2007. Like, probably January 2007.

It. Was. So. Much. Fun.

It was kind of smelly (which I had forgotten about). And really sweaty. But awesome. The DJ was great, and was playing great tunes. I didn't feel old, which I thought I might.

My girl friend Maggie* had come over to my place. We had a couple of glasses of wine and then head over to another friends house. There were about 8 of us, and we were all hanging out, having a good time, and decided to go dancing. I did get hit on by a guy who told me that he works at Costco. And then proceeded to tell me how much they pay him. And how he "runs the shit out of that place." Ha. It was hilarious.

I didn't get hit on when I was out at the club, but there were a few sideways glances. It was a lot of fun.

Did I mention I had a great time?

*Maggs is actually newly single as well. She just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. They are still living in their apartment, figuring out what is happening next. She might be moving in with me.

Plan? What plan?

I feel like I should have lots to say. That I should be able to reflect back on everything that has happened over the past three months, and have lots to talk about.

But, I don't really.

Sometimes this doesn't feel like my life. Sometimes it feels like I am on a vacation from my real life, and that at any moment I am going to just, go home. And things will be back the way they were before.

Sometimes it feels like my relationship with my ex never happened. Like, it was all a really long dream that I had once. About this amazing guy, who I loved, and who broke my heart.

Most of the time, I feel like I am just going about my life. Going to work. Coming home. Spending time with friends. Talking to my mom on the phone. . And it feels really strange to be doing it all solo.

It has been a really long time since I made any decisions all alone. I started dating my ex when I was 22. I bought a house with him. Purchased life insurance. Went on vacations. We both got new jobs in the time we were together. And made a lot of new friends. Many people didn't even know us without one another. So now, decisions seem hard. Deciding what kind of renter's insurance to purchase for my place, seemed weird. Not that he made decsisons for me. He didn't. We made them togehter. And now making them alone seems strange.

It is also strange not to have a plan. You see, I am a planner. I plan things.

I plan vacations years in advance. I plan life events. I have been planning on gettting married and having children, before I am thirty, since I was a child. And now, my plan has been taken away. And I am left without one. Which is hard. And uncomfortable. So I need to make a new plan. Or at least, figure out what direction I am supposed to be travelling in.

Do you have a plan? Has it been interrupted in the past?

Think Positive

Someone on my newsfeed on Facebook posted this last week. And I can't get enough of it.

This kid is seriously, amazing.



We should all be doing this while getting ready for work in the morning!

Dating is Terrifying

This whole dating thing is terrifying. Like, really terrifying.

Part of me feels like I should not even be thinking about dating yet. I mean, my wedding date has not even come yet. I am still within the time period that I was supposed to be getting married. People are still running into me in coffee shops and asking if I am getting excited for my "big day."

(Seriously, don't you people gossip? Don't you know that my finance left me with no warning? Couldn't you be a little more in touch with facebook/other people so you don't have to put us both in this awkward situation of me telling you that I am not, in fact, getting married?)

But another part of me feels like I need to jump back on the dating horse. Not that I have dated anyone since, like, early 2007. But, I feel like I should get some practice, before I am serious about finding someone to spend my life with. Or something.

Do people do that? Practice dating?

I could...

• Move to Australia
• Become a Lawyer
• Become a spy
• Move to my hometown and live in my parents basement
• Become a bum
• Move to Spain
• Get a job on a cruise ship
• Become a radio show host
• Move to India
• Volunteer in Africa
• Become a doctor
• Become a teacher

So I guess the answer to "Now What?" is... Anything I want.

So, I'm not getting married after all...

So, about three months ago, my fiance called off our wedding and broke up with me. 

I felt like I had been blindsided.

I was supposed to be getting married on New Years Eve. I had a wedding dress, and was in the last few month of planning. Family members had already booked flights & hotel rooms to come and celebrate with us. 

Now he has bought me out of our house. We have signed our seperation agreement to say that our relationship is over "absolutely and forever." I have moved out, and into my own apartment. 


And now I am a single girl, again.


Now what?