Friday, December 31, 2010

Dear 2010

Dear 2010,
You started off wonderfully. With a conversation about the rest of my life. And then several more conversations about weddings and marriage. And celebrating with friends. The love of my life and I decided that we would spend our lives together. And we got engaged.
Oh the joy! Of telling family and telling friends. Of the engagement cards in the mail. Of the sparkly diamond on my left hand that told the world; I'm going to spend the rest of my life, with my best friend.
And then came the planning. A tear filled visit to the bridal store with my mother and sister. Trying on dresses to walk down the isle in. To get married in. Ording a dress that was perfect, and amazing. Picking a photographer after stalking all the locals online, and getting a great deal. Finding a perfect place to hold the reception, who grew their own food, and would let us totally dictate the menu.
But then, 2010, somewhere around the middle of the year, you tried to warn me. Of what was coming. But I was reasurred, and comforted, and told that everything was going ok. All around me people said things like "typical" and "cold feet". The warning was not strong enough to warn me. Not serious enough for me to stop, and pay attention. And so I continued on with the planning. Picking strawberries and making 200 jars of jam with my mom and best friend. What a time! I learned so much.
Oh 2010, you were supposed to be the best year of my life! The year I got engaged! The year I got married! But, that isn't what happened. There were eight whole months of bliss, 2010, before it all fell apart. And the wedding was cancelled. And lives were changed.
And then came tears. And the sleepless nights. And the not eating (and then the eating too much!) And the confusion about what happened. And the anger at the universe for interupting my plans, and making me go through all this pain.
But there were lessons learned. Lessons about me, lessons about the world. Lessons that might not have been learned otherwise.I learned that I can survive bad things. That sometimes awful things happen. And you might not see them coming. I learned that it takes a lot of work to make the person who used to be most important in your life, a stranger. It takes visits to the bank, insurance company, lawyer. There is a lot of paperwork done, and a lot of money spent to become a single woman.
And there were glimmers of a new life. Dreams. Plans. There were thoughts about what to do, where to go, and who to be. There was a haircut (oh the haircut!) and eye surgery. And the studying. And the exam. All tiny pieces of who I am going to be in the future.
Oh 2010, I know I will look back at you, someday, and be thankful for all of this. Be thankful that I did not marry someone who did not love me enough to be my husband. Be thankful that he had the courage to stand up and tell me that he did not love me, like I loved him. I know that at some point all this pain and discomfort will be a memory. And it will not be the defining element of my life, as it is right now.
I am not sorry to see you go 2010. I am looking forward to having a new year, a new time, and some distance from you. I am looking forward to meeting people who only know my present, and who will only know what I tell them about my past. I am looking forward to not starting sentencse with "we" or "our" only to realize that there is no "us".
So, farewell 2010. I hope that some day I can look back on your fondly as a time of growth. As a turning point in my wonderful life.  I am happy to see you go, and happy to welcome 2011.




  1. Beautifully written, you've brought a tear to my eye. Happy New Year.

  2. This is so very beautiful, and it feels like you have just echoed my exact thoughts about this year. I don't just have a tear in my eye, I have literally cried over this post. I did all the planning you did. It's really hard to let go of that. I wish you nothing but the best in 2011 and I hope you have a good day today. Take care of yourself :)

  3. Nat, Happy New Year to you too!

    Cat, Thanks for the comment. It is nice to know that someone else is feeling the same way that I am. Hope your NYE was a good one!

  4. Going through the bad times will only make us stronger and I think it's wonderful you've turned something negative into a positive. I wish you a fabulous 2011 and hope lots of good luck comes your way this year!

  5. Thanks Elanor... This has definitely been a process. And it will continue to be one. Thanks for reading and posting!