Anger

I talked to my ex this week.

For the first time since we finalized our separation.

I got an email from the minister at the church that we were supposed to get married in. He was wondering about the ceremony. And looking to get together to sort out the details. And wondering if we had our marriage license yet. Since we are less than 3 weeks from our unwedding date.

When we broke up, my family and I cancelled everything. Since I had been dealing with most of the vendors, I called them, and let them know. We asked for deposits back (one of which we got) and told companies that we would no longer need their services. Vendors that I had forgotten called or emailed throughout the past 4 months, and I let them know. It is awful to have to tell people over and over, in fact, I am not getting married.

The one thing that I had asked my ex to do, was call the church.

Which, he did not do. What a fucker.

  

So when I got the email from the minister, I picked up the phone and I called him. Just to tell him that I had gotten the email. And to remind him that I had cancelled every single thing for the wedding, and had asked him to do one thing. And that he couldn't even do that. He had pretty much nothing to say to me. He said it slipped his mind. He said he was sorry. That was it.

I was furious. 

I ended up sobbing with my head on my desk, calling my mom, and going home from work two hours early.

What kills me, is that over the past 4 months, I have been defending him. When people reacted with anger towards him for breaking up with me suddenly, I defended him. Asked what they thought he should have done. Told them that he didn't mean for this to happen. And that it wasn't just me that he hadn't been honest with, he hadn't been honest with himself. I defended him over and over.

But, I shouldn't have been defending him. Because he is a coward. He didn't even have the courage to call the church. Or ask someone else to call the church. In the first 3 weeks after we broke up and he was staying at this parents house, he had to drive by that church on his way to work, and back. And even now, each time he goes to his parents, which is eat least once a week, he has to drive by that church. What a fucking coward.

I realized yesterday (during my therapy appointment) just how passive he really is. That throughout our relationship, I saw him as laid back. Low key. But that it is not it at all. He couldn't tell me how he was feeling during our relationship. And then he couldn't find any other way to deal with that, than to break up with me. And then, he couldn't face the minister to cancel our wedding. He isn't a low key guy. He is a passive coward.

My therapist has been talking about the stages of grief in our sessions... I think I might be getting to anger.