I wrote this post a few weeks ago. And I have been mulling over whether to post it or not. I feel like I have healed a bit more since it was written, but I do still feel this way most of the time. As everyone keeps saying, these things take time.
It is funny. I don't even really miss him that much. Which now, looking back, speaks volumes about our relationship.
I miss my old life. I really loved my old life. I really loved him, and the future we were building together. I loved getting up on Saturday mornings together, cleaning the house, heading to Costco, and going out for dinner with friends. I loved planning our next house. What the kitchen would be like, what the floors would look like, what color we would paint the living room. I wanted a view of the ocean in the next house. He thought it would be too expensive. I loved being his future wife, the future mother of his children. I miss those things. I miss the future that I am never going to have with him. I miss the dreams that I had.
I miss feeling the way that I felt. Before. I miss feeling like things were going my way. Like I had really found my person. Like I had found something special. Our relationship moved quickly in the beginning. We had bought a house together before our first anniversary. Everyone told us we were crazy. We used to laugh. They didn't know what we knew.
I miss feeling like life is easy. I miss feeling like relationships can work, if you work at them, if you are committed. I really felt that way. That relationships could work, marriages could work, if you committed, and loved one another. And they could work, because even when you felt iffy about something, or nervous about something, you remembered that you had committed to that person, and you love them. And that is why you are making things work.
One of the hardest things about this whole ordeal is that I really loved him. And I was going to marry him. I was going to commit my life to his. And until the day that he said that he couldn't marry me, that we had to break up, I had no idea. I had no idea that he didn't think and want those things too. How could I have not known? How could I have been planning our wedding, planning our marriage, and not known?
My sister says that no one knew. That he had hidden how he had been feeling from everyone. From me, from my family, from his family, from our friends. That it isn't my fault, because he was fooling everyone. But I can't help but feel like I should have known. It was me who was looking him in the eyes while he told me he loved me. And that he wanted me to be his wife.
I guess all I can do is hope that the things that I felt before, will come back. That I will believe in love and marriage again. That I will be able to trust someone, and believe them when they say they want to spend their life with me. That I will, at some point, plan a new future, with another man. That I will dream about houses and children and vacations with our families.
And for now, I'll just hold on to that little piece of hope.