My High School Boyfriend

The boy who I dated in high school, through grade 10 and 11, passed away this week. He was 26. He had leukemia, and had been battling it for almost six years.

His story is tragic, really. He joined the military right after high school. He married young, at 22, and was diagnosed with cancer just 11 days after his wedding. The marriage didn't stand a chance, and they divorced about two years later. He has been fighting ever since, receiving two bone marrow  transplants.

I hadn't spoken to him since we graduated from high school. But, since I am from a small town, I have kept up with what has happened with him. My high school friends and I sent flowers when he relapsed earlier this year. I have thought of him often. And although I am not at all a religious person, I have sent lots of positive energy in his direction.

It seems so sad, and so strange, that he is gone. Although I have had no relationship with him for ten years, I feel a sense of loss. It is like I can't believe that someone that I once loved with everything I had (as a sixteen year old) died.

And I can't stop thinking about his mom. He was raised by a single mom, and has one older brother. For the past six years his mother has been basically consumed by him, and his cancer. For the past year, he has been extremely ill, and she has been by his bedside. I can't imagine what she is feeling. I can't imagine what she is going to do now.

The funeral is tomorrow morning, and my parents are going to attend. I wish that I had moved already, and that I was close enough to attend.

Positive vibes?

Let's talk about something positive for a change, shall we? I feel like all of my (sporadic) posts lately have been about how sad I am. How lost I feel. Let's talk about the exciting parts of me moving. 

1. This is going to be the best summer ever! I am going to do a bunch of road trips. I am going to Atlantic City with some friends. I am seriously considering going to see Britney in concert. 

2. The weather! The part of the country that I currently live in is known for it's terrible weather. It is going to be much warmer & much sunnier in the new place. 

3. I am going to be within driving distance of my parents. 

4. I found out last week that my best friend from high school is expecting. I am now going to be within driving distance of her too, and am going to help her decorate the nursery over the summer. 

5. My hometown has a drive-in movie theatre. 

6. I'm going to law school in the fall. 

7. I'm going to buy a condo. Yay for homeownership (again). 

8. No one will know about my ex,
or the wedding that didn't happen. 

I am sure that there are even more excellent things about this move. If you can think of any, leave me a comment. I could use some more positive vibes.

Two Weeks

I am moving in two weeks. 

To another province. Closer to my family. To a city I have been to only twice before. 

I am excited. And I am terrified. 

I don't know what to expect. I am terrified that I won't make any friends this summer. That I will sit alone in my apartment Monday to Thursday waiting for the weekend when I can go and visit my parents. 

I am terrified that I will feel just as sad and alone there, as I do here. That the fresh start won't mean anything, because it is me that is still broken. 

I know that from the outside, to my friends and to my family, I am doing really well. But I am still struggling. Night time is still hard. When everything is quiet. It reminds me how very alone I am. 

As soon as I move to the new city I am going to start looking for a new therapist. I stopped seeing mine back in December, but with the chaos of this move, I feel like I need some extra support. 

I feel like I am in a slump, and I'm not sure how to get out.