Unsettled...

I am feeling so uncomfortable in my life right now.

Half of the time I feel like I am running out of time in the city. Running out of time to spend with my friends, and running out of time to take in the breathtaking views of the ocean that I see every day (and often take for granted). I feel like I won't have time to say all the things that I need to say. To all the people who have been so amazing to me over the past six months.

I feel unsettled at work. I am just trying to move things off my desk, and prepare them for whoever is taking over my position. I am trying not to get into too many major projects, and trying to keep my eye on my new position.

I feel like I can't really do anything right now. That all my time is going to be taken up with tying up loose ends. With packing. With selling my belongings that I am not taking with me. I am going to my last book club meeting. To my last scrap booking night (that's right, I'm in a crafting club). I am going on my last hike with the  youth group I volunteer with.

The other half of the time I can't wait to get started in the new city. To go and live with my best friend from university. To have the best summer ever. And to get ready for a whole new life in the fall. I feel like I want to pack my things. To just get going already.

I guess that right now all I can do is make the best of the time that I have here, and try not to feel impatient. I am sure that once I am on my way to the new city, I will feel like the time flew by...

The Dates

I didn't ever tell you about what happened with the online dating thing (because I disappeared for a month...)

I went out. On a date. In fact, I went out on two dates, with the same man.

It was ok.

I actually messaged him first, because I thought he was cute, and I thought he seemed cool. We played scrabble on our iphones and chatted back and forth for about a week before going out. He seemed really witty, and interesting.

The first date was a bit awkward.

First off, he did not look anything like his pictures. Like, at all. In fact, I went back to his profile after the date and looked at the pictures again, thinking I might had remembered them wrong. He had gained quite a bit of weight since the pictures were taken. Here's the thing, I don't really mind chubby guys. Heck, I am kind of chubby right now because of all of the breakup weight that I have gained. But the photos on my profile reflect that. I have pictures that were taken in the past few months. That show my body as it currently is.

Back to the date. It was awkward. I felt like I wanted him to take charge more. To ask me more questions. I felt like I was kind of leading the conversation the whole time. And when we went to pick a movie, he asked me about 4 times which movie I wanted to see, even after I narrowed it down to two and said he could choose. It was like he was too accommodating to me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, at the end of the date, I did give him a quick kiss, and we said that we would do it again.

I wasn't sure if I liked him or not but I thought I might want to sleep with him should give it a chance, so I went out with him again.

On the second date, he spent most of the time staring at my chest, instead of my face. In fact, he was staring so intently at my chest, that I went to the bathroom to check to see if I had somehow spilled some of my food down my shirt. Also, he didn't wear his seatbelt in the car which was a total turnoff for me.

So, I decided that I didn't want to see him again.

But you know what? It was good. I hadn't been on a date in over four years. And I had never tried the online thing. And I felt kind of good. I was confident going into the date, and I felt like I might be ready to see someone casually.

Now that I am moving, I have removed my profile. But once I get settled into the new city, you never know, I might try again.

How did your first first date back in the dating scene go?

Moving on

I am officially moving.

I mentioned more than a month ago, that I was up for a transfer with my job. It has been approved, and my current job has been posted. I am in the process of getting my thing together with work, hiring a person to replace me, training that person, and moving to another province.

I think that I have know for a while that I needed this move to happen. I needed to get away from here, this city, this province. The place that I have been for so long. I moved here for me, to go to university and when I finished university I decided to stay. But for the past four years, I have been here because of my ex. And because of the life that we were building together.

Now that that life doesn't exist any more, it is time to move on.

I am having mixed emotions about it. I have lived here for my entire adult life. I have grown up here. I have become a part of the city, and the city has become a part of me. I love the culture, I love the nature, I love the people. And I am truly going to miss it.

But I am also excited. Excited for a new start. Excited to be in a place where no one know that I was supposed to get married. Where no one knows my ex. Or that I used to be engaged to him. I am excited to live in a place where I am a car drive away from my parents. Where I can take off and see them after work on a Friday, and not have to find a flight. I am excited that I will be able to take road trips, and for the better weather. I am excited for the next chapter.

So for now I am going to be purging and packing. And for the next six weeks I am going to be saying good-bye to the place, and the people that have been my home for the past nine years.

The Drive-By

I drove by my ex's house tonight.

You see, we were supposed to be in Italy right now. And I drove by his house to see if he was there. To see if he had gone to Italy without me.

One of the guys who was supposed to be a groomsman in our wedding, is getting married tomorrow. In Italy. And we were invited to go, and celebrate their wedding. We were going to go for two weeks, one to tour around Italy, and one to celebrate our friends wedding. We were going to be newly weds. Celebrating the marriage of our good friends.

I have been wondering all week if he is there with them. Without me.

Tonight I dropped a friend off at her house, which was very close to my old house. And so I took a detour, and drove by my old place. It was the first time that I had done that.

His car wasn't home. He wasn't there.

With all the changing that I have been doing. And all the decisions that I have been making about my life. It still seems strange to me that he is doing the same thing. Changing. Growing. Going on with life. Without me. Even though I am going on without him. It still seems strange to me that he is going on without me.

I know that I have been missing in action for a while, but while I was driving home, I was writing this blog post in my head.

I've missed this blog.