Thursday, June 23, 2011

I am still talking about him

I feel like my life is still wrapped up with my ex. When people talk about their spouses and tell stories, I still feel like saying "when we went to Cuba" and "When we bought our house" I feel like my history is in him. Because my memories, all of the memories of the past four and a half years, include him. Even the past ten months, in which I have been healing my heart, are because of him.
I started seeing a new therapist this week (in the new city that I am living in). And I was talking about this with her. When she asked me what it was I wanted to accomplish in our sessions together. And what I told her was, I want to stop talking about what happened. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop doing things because of what happened with my ex.
And she told me, that I have to make a decision to do that. That I have to decide, to not talk about it anymore.
That is way easier said than done.
When someone says "hey, have you ever played Little-Big Planet on Playstation?" it is very easy to respond "Yes! My ex and I used to play that all the time. We loved it." Because we did.
I guess it is because our relationship was good. From my point of view. Until the end. When it didn't exist anymore. And until it didn't exist anymore, I was happy. So I don't really have a lot of bad memories of our three and a half years together. All of the bad memories are from when we were no longer together.
So I am going to stop. Stop talking about him in passing. Stop using his name. Stop talking about the breakup. I am in a new place. I am in a new life. I don't need to go over and over my breakup. Bad things happen to people all the time. Heart break happens all the time. And it is terrible. And it is sad.
But it is over.

And this is not to say that I am still sitting at home, thinking about what has happened. Because I haven't been doing that. I am living my life. It is just the little things. The casual comments. The thought that this move was because of him. I don't need to explain my move to everyone that I meet. People move all the time. I don't need to tell people that I went to Cuba with my ex, I can just say that I went there for a friend's wedding.
Have you had to make this conscious choice to stop talking & thinking about someone or something? Did it just happen naturally?



  1. I do the same thing and my relationships haven't been nearly as long. As time goes on you start to move on and it starts to fade. You have to think hard not to do it as much at the beginning then it becomes more natural...especially when you find someone that your a better match with. Just keep trying!!

  2. I think it's one of the hardest parts of healing. Sometimes it happens because other people are clearly tired of hearing us talk about him, so we just kind of start to stop. But the thoughts still pop up. When something reminds me of him, a tv show or movie or reference to a place we went to together, I feel my chest tighten. I notice the words bubble up in my throat and then I watch myself bite my tongue. It's hard, and it's lonely too. I think it does happen naturally, to some extent, but we have to help it out too. We have to show up for our recovery. Give ourselves pep talks. Find out what we need, every day, to make progress in healing. Some things that helped me were: yoga, baking projects, new job, making dates with friends at least three times a week, to meet new friends with similar interests, books, and blogging.

    I wish you the best, and hope to read about how you are happier and healed and accomplishing things soon.

  3. I have a different perspective on this. For me, I sometimes find myself telling stories about me and my ex. At first, it frustrated me. Why in the world am I still talking about him? He's no longer a part of my life!
    Well guess what... he was my entire life from 18-25. So, he's going to be in some stories. Like it or not, all my adult experiences to date were experienced while I was dating him.

    What I have to change is not that I talk about the experiences, but that I include him in the experiences. So instead of "we went to Jamaica for our 6th anniversary and had a blast" I can say, "I went to Jamaica in 2010 and had a friggin blast. Best place ever." That way I'm not discounting my experiences..but I'm not focusing on his role in them. This helps me anyway - because I refuse to pretend like the last 7 years never existed!

  4. You know it isn't bad to talk about your ex. Especially if you have amazing stories and memories. Why would you want to ignore those and delete part of your life and the experiences you went through? You should read my post a pact with myself and live for yourself, because I had to learn how to be single on my own without needing my ex. However, I am not going to stop talking about the experiences. As long as you focus on the EXPERIENCE and not the EX. I think the main thing is to find yourself without a boyfriend and just find new experiences you can talk about that don't involve him. It is the hardest thing to do, but keep strong and focused on yourself.


  5. I'm sure many people will be able to relate to this! Stay strong.