The LSAT. Again.

So I received my LSAT score yesterday. It was not what I had hoped that it would be. It was, realistically, what I was expecting. I found the actual LSAT much harder than any of the practice tests that I had completed. I guess that my nerves got to me. The score isn't terrible. But it is a "maybe I'll get into the school of my choice" rather than a "I will probably get into the school of my choice." I think that improving my score by 5 points will put me into the "most likely" category. (And improving by 10 points will put me in the "Welcome to Law School" category...)

So.

I am going to rewrite in February.

I have a whole month to restudy. I am contacting my prelaw advisor to look for a tutor. I am much more emotionally stable than I was when I began studying in September. And even more healed than when I wrote a month ago.

So, here we go again!

(I sound much more positive and confident than I am feeling).

PSA about Therapy

Right after I returned to work after my breakup, my boss reminded me about our Employee Assistance Plan. (Wow. What an awkward conversation that was. My very stern, old school, no emotions, male boss, telling me that we had an EAP for employees in "situations like mine").  Basically the way that it worked, was that they would hook me up with a counselor in your area. It is totally confidential, and totally paid for by my employer. (I had actually already contacted them, because I am a bit of a benefits guru in my office, and already knew that I could get free legal advice and free counselling).

It was a great suggestion. 

I was paired with an amazing counselor in my area. 

She has helped me to much! The first time I met with her, I felt better. For real. To have someone who has no connection with me, tell me that what happened to me was terrible, was amazing. Everyone that I had talked to up until that point was effected by the situation. My parents had their feelings hurt. My sister had her feelings hurt. My friends had their feelings hurt. Because I was hurting so much, those around me were hurting too. So their comments and advice, came from a place of pain. But my counselor? Her feelings weren't hurt at all. She didn't know me. She wasn't invited to my wedding. She was a stranger. 

And she told me that the whole situation sucked. And she told me that I am a good person. And she told me that I didn't deserve this. And she told me that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. And she told me that everything was going to be ok. And she told me that this wasn't the relationship that I was meant to have. And that someone even better was out there waiting for me. And that I am going to be a great wife. And that I am going to be a great mother. 

Of course, she made lots of suggestions too. About things that I could to do help with the healing process. She encouraged me to exercise. She suggested that I read The Secret. She encouraged me to make, and keep, plans with friends. She encouraged me to journal. Which I did for a while. But it didn't really work out for me. (How hilarious, a blogger who couldn't journal)... thus this blog. 

But she was (is) fantastic. She told me each time that I went to see her that I was doing great. And that these things take time. She kept telling me I had suffered a huge loss. And that it was ok for me to feel the way that I was feeling. To have someone validate me like that, was truly amazing. I really think that she helped me to see things clearly.

I started writing this post to talk about The Secret. And about the power of positive thinking. But I got sidetracked by just how amazing I think that my counselor is.

So here is my suggestion to you (all of you...). Check out your Employee Assistance Plan. Check out your Employee Benefits (or student benefits). Check to see what is is available to you. And go and see someone. (This is the end of the public service announcement about therapy....)

I'm a TV Whore

I am going to take a break from all the blogging about feelings that I have been doing lately to talk about a deep love of mine.

The Television.

I have already admitted that I love Oprah.

But Oprah is not my only guilty pleasure. I love TV in general. I watch everything. I, am a tv whore.

I am excited for the following shows that are going to be/have started this week.

The Bachelor on ABC - Now, this season's bachelor have done this before. He was also the bachelor three years ago on the show. In the end of the season finale, he ended up turning both women down. And marrying neither. This season he says that he has changed, and is now here to find love. We will see. (I actually missed the season premiere because of my flying excursion on Monday, so will have to catch up before next week).

The Biggest Loser on NBC This might be my very favorite show. I love the stories. I love the contestants. I love watching them lose weight week after week. I love watching them find themselves week after week. It is amazing. (And did you see those dad-twins? So adorable, right? I love them!) I am a hardcore biggest loser fan. I follow Bob, Jillian & Ali on twitter.

(Yikes... What is going to happen without Bob & Jillian?)

Grey's Anatomy on ABC - I don't think that I have missed an episode of this show, since the beginning. I love it. I am totally involved in all of the characters, and talk about them as though they are a part of my inner circle. (OMG, what is going to happen with Callie and Arizona?) And I am actually annoyed with Katherine Heigl as a person for not continuing with the Alex and Izzy storyline...

The Big Bang Theory on CBS - My dad got the first three seasons of this show on DVD for Christmas. I love it. It is so quick and witty. Leonard and Penny might be the new Ross and Rachel. Yes, I compared BBT to Friends... For real.  I am really exited to catch up with the fourth season, and to watch things as they are happening. Shelon is my favorite... Or maybe it is Leonard... I follow the actors on Twitter as well...

Ok, Those are the shows that I am going to be watching religiously. 

Stay tuned for the ones that I watch regularly :)

What shows do you watch?

Lessons

There are lessons everywhere.

 

Yesterday, when my flight was delayed, I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself.  I was feeling sad about leaving my family behind. I was tired from not enough sleep the night before. I was delayed and travelling alone. I had to sit around in the airport all by myself and wait for the next flight. I had to make the decision to wait around in the airport for the next flight, instead of waiting until the next morning by myself. I had to lug both of my suitcases from one end of the airport to the other, only to recheck them by myself. And to top it all off, I was supposed to be travelling to the sunny carribean on that very same day to start my honeymoon cruise.

 

So, I'm not going to lie, I got a little bit teary for a few minutes.

 

But then I realized something.

 

My ex was a terrible traveller. He was not a patient guy when it came to waiting in lines. He got frustrated about long drives, long flights, and uncertain plans.

 

He would have been a nightmare yesterday. He would have been angry and grumpy when the plane turned around, and flew an hour back to where we came from. He would have been annoyed that we had to get our suitcases and head back to the departures area. He would have been fuming about the six hour wait. And he would have been a bear when we sat in the plane for 90 minutes before even leaving the gate on our second flight of the day.

 

And I would have been annoyed, because he was annoyed. I would have been checking with him to see how he was doing all day. Trying to cheer him up. Trying to make the day a little bit better for the both of us.

 

Instead I drank some wine. Read some blogs. Wrote a couple of blog posts. Tweeted non-stop. Read my book club book.

 

When I got home I was exhausted. And a bit sad to be back in my apartment. (And annoyed because there was some sort of sour smell that I am not sure where it was coming from). But, dispite it being a really long day, I was ok. I had some time to chill. I don't really mind airports. I like to people watch. I know that with travel, comes delays.

 

So, lesson learned universe. Sometimes it is better to be alone.

 

 

 

I wonder how he has changed?

If you follow me on Twitter you know that my flight was redirected today. And you also know that I am drinking in the airport bar, courtesy of the $10 that WestJet kindly gave me since they could not land in the fog in my city (haha... $10 to last from 10am - 11pm). So now I  am back in the airport that I started in this morning at 10am, 3 hours into my 6 hour wait for my next flight.

I have a lot of time to think. (As if I haven't been doing enough of that lately...)

This blog post is brought to you by airport delays & wine....

It has been 4 months since my ex called off our wedding. It has been 4 days since my unwedding day. Sometimes I still can't believe that this happened. That he didn't want to work on our relationship. That it is over.

In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. And in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have changed so much in the past 4 months. Both physically and emotionally. I cut off all my hair (which I had been growing out for the wedding) and dyed is much darker.  I gained  20lbs (yikes!). I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. I had eye surgery last month (no more glasses!).

I have thought about doing so many different things with my life. I decided to write the LSAT, studied for it, and  I wrote it (keep your fingers crossed, I still haven't received my mark!). I have researched working abroad. Have looking into buying a condo here in this city, and in other cities. I have thought about travelling, alone and with friends.

And I have spent a lot of time thinking. About my life. About myself. About our relationship.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the things that I want from myself, from my life, from a partner.

And I have thought about the ways that my ex did not fufill those thoughts and dreams.

And it is terrifying.

I was ready to marry that man. A man, who might not have been everything that I was looking for. I was devastated when he left me. I had no idea what to do. I had spent the previous almost four years preparing to be his wife, and the mother of his children, and he was gone. And I thought that he was everything that I wanted in life. Only, looking back now, he wasn't...

So now, I wonder how he has changed.

If I have changed so much, in the past four months... And it make me think...  what he has changed? We have not spoken since our separation was finalized (except for the church incident). I did see on his facebook that he was painting (what was he painting? the bathroom? it really needed a coat of paint).

Has he changed? Has he re-evaluated his life? Has he thought about running away? Has he made some sort of huge career change? Has he thought about dating? Has me met someone new?

I wonder how he has changed.

My Unwedding Day

As a lot of you know, December 31, 2010 was supposed to be my wedding day. It was supposed to be the day that I walked down the aisle, towards my future husband. It was supposed to be the day that we stood together, in front of all of the important people in our lives, and said our marriage vows. Vows that our parents said, vows that our grandparents said. Promises to one another, that were supposed to last a lifetime.

Friday was supposed to be that day.

Every since my wedding was called off, I had been dreading my unwedding day. I had been filled with fear and anxiety. I had been so worried about that day. About what would happen. About how I would feel. About how I would react. I was terrified that I would end up feeling exactly the way that I felt back in August, when my ex told me that he no longer wanted to be with me.

I was afraid.

Whenever someone tried to talk to me about it, I would burst into tears. One friend suggested we go out of town. Another suggested we go to a concert. Each time someone mentioned New Years Eve plans, I would well up, and have to leave the room.

I have healed a lot in the past four months. And I was so scared that I would end up right back where I started. After what happened a few weeks ago with the email from the church, I was thinking that I might spend the entire day in  bed.

But I didn't. In fact, my unwedding day turned out to be pretty uneventful.

On Thursday, my two best friends (one from High School, one from University). They each drove more than three hours, to spend the final day, of the worst year of my life with me. They are both amazing. I can't imagine what I would have done without them.

On Friday morning I slept in, late. Until about 11am. I was hoping to sleep as much of the day away as I could. I got up, got dressed, and had some breakfast. I watched a few episodes of Big Bang Theory with my parents and my friends. My BFFs and I went out for (late) lunch, and chatted about all of the things that are going on in our lives.

After our lunch, we watched a few more episodes of Big Bang Theory with my parents (my dad received seasons 1-3 for Christmas) and then had supper with my family. My parents had plans to go out with some of the neighbours,  so the three of us were left on our own. In preparation, we had rented 3 movies.

And then we watched them. We hung out in the basement with the fire going, we ate some popcorn, chips and some cake. And we watched three movies, back to back to back. I teared up a few times, when I mentioned that we only had an hour left in the worst year of my life. And when my sister called to wish me a Happy New Year. But other than that, I was ok..

I did cry for a while after everyone had gone to bed. And my mom did come into my room after she came home from the party, and hugged me and sat with me while I cried for a while. (And I might be crying right now, as I write this). But I made it. I survived it.

2010 was awful. This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But, I have survived it. I am ok.  And in the grand scheme of things, a breakup being the worst thing that has ever happened to be, means that I am a pretty lucky person. Because no matter how terrible I have felt (and I am sure that I am going to have some more terrible days) I have a pretty great life.

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

 

Please be kind.

 

You see, 2010 was a bit hard on me.

 

And I am hoping that you, 2011, will be kinder.

 

I am looking for a lot of things 2011, but mostly, I am looking for myself. I can't really remember who I am. The things I like. The things I want. I can't really remember who I am, when I am not preparing to be a wife, or a mother. I can't really remember who I am, when I am not a home owner, or someone who goes to costco on the weekends with her partner.

I got a little lost in 2010, and I am hoping to be found in 2011.

I am looking to learn more, 2011. I want to learn about all sorts of things. I am looking to learn about photography. I want to buy a fancy new camera and take a class. I want to take stunning pictures, while visiting the beautiful nature that surrounds me in this great city. I want to learn more about feminism. I took a women's studies class in university and loved it. I want to get back to thinking about myself as a woman, and what that means in our culture. I want to read. Everything. I even want to learn in an academic world, because, 2011, I want to go back to school.

I want to remember what it is like to cook. Really cook. Food that I like, and not just meals that can be prepared quickly, but foods that are good for my body and good for my soul. I want to try new recipes and make things that I have never cooked before. Just because I live alone, doesn't mean that I can't make great meals. I want to make delicious things, and invite people for dinner.

I want to learn how to date. I haven't dated much in the past. Since I was 18, there was only a four month period when I was single. I want to go on dates with actual men, who will ask me real things about myself, and about my life. And I want to have good thing to tell them. I want to date people and decide if I like them, not if they like me.

I want to meet new people. People who don't know my story. People who don't know who I used to be. And who I thought I was going to be. I want to meet people, and have them know who I am right now.

I want to figure out where I want to live. I have lived in this amazing city for almost ten years. But I am far from my parents. Far from my family. I want to figure out where my ties are. Where I should be. If I should move closer, or if I should stay where I am, and continue to build my life.

I want to heal. I want to be able to relate to people without thinking about my past. I want to be able to celebrate things without noticing how single I am. Without feeling like someone is missing. I want to stop feeling so sad. And start feeling happy. I want to grow as a person, and feel better about my life as it is right now.

I want to continue to grow my friendships. I want to be able to make plans, reach out to people, spend time with others. I can make plans for work nights. I can decide to go for dinner on a Tuesday. I also want to grow my online friendships, through forums that I visit, through this blog, through twitter. 

Oh 2011, you are a clean slate. A new year. A time for anything to happen.

So, please be easy on me, 2011. Please be filled with love, and fun, and happiness. Be full of opportunities, and adventures. And most of all, be kind. 

Love, 

TL