Random Thoughts

• I do not have my snow tires on my car yet. It snowed here today. Tomorrow me, and all the other slackers in this city, are going to be lining up to get tires changed over.
• I had homemade pizza with a couple of friends tonight. New friends are exciting.
• When something bad happens to you, you realize that bad thing sometimes happen to  good people. This is because other people start sharing their stories with you.
• I love the Biggest Loser. I can't get enough.
• I weighed in at the weight loss group tonight and lost 3.8lbs this week.
• I am almost done Christmas shopping. I can't wait until I can go home and hide out in my parents house.
• I need to make an appointment to get my hair coloured sometime before Christmas.
• I went to the dentist today. I hate the dentist.

How was your day?

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Last week I read this post, about winter time. And it got me thinking. I kind of do love winter.

We all complain all the time about snow, and cold, and icy roads. Don't get me wrong, I hate being cold. But, as long as the heat is on when I come inside. I do like winter. I don't like running to the car and shivering halfway to work before the car heats up, but, I do like the snow. I don't like sliding all over the road  on my way to work, but I do like bundling up before I go out to shovel.

Here are some things that I do love about this season

• Snow Days! I live near the ocean. This means that it is windy. Really windy. So when we get snow, we have wind. And sometimes rain. Which makes is messy outside. I love waking up and finding out that the city is closed down, and I can spend the day on my couch watching daytime TV  working from home.

• Toques. I'm Canadian. I love them.

• Snowshoeing. I love hiking. Hiking in the snow is excellent.

• Hot Chocolate. I love some good hot chocolate. I love making it at home, I love getting it at Tims. I love taking it snowshoeing with me in a thermos.

• My new Uggs. I actually just got them, and have only worn them about a dozen times. But, I love them already. I love being able to pull them on with no socks and walk to the store. Plus, I feel super cool wearing them.

• The cozy feeling your house has at nighttime. It is different in the winter. Coming home to a cozy house, wrapping up in a blanket and watching a movie. (With hot chocolate).

• Sledding. Hurling yourself down a hill, on a small piece of plastic. So. Much. Fun. (Although, I am much more afraid of the hills now than when I was younger. And last winter I went sledding with a group of kids I volunteer with, and ended up with bruises all over me.) 

What about you? What do you love about winter?

101 in 1001

My 101 in 1001 list  is up!

I have been thinking about doing a 101 in 1001 list for about 2 years now. I read about it a while ago, and thought it was awesome. Since I am a planner this really appealed to me. Over the past couple of years, I have had different forms of life lists and to do lists floating around in my google documents. This week, I sat down, mashed all the lists together, numbered them, added some more items, and came up with my 101 in 1001 list.

(This is not actually how I composed my list)

And now I am ready to start crossing things off!

Do you have a 101 in 1001 list?

Quietly...

I read this blog post about what it means to be single. And I loved it. It really showed how I have been feeling about being single, since I am very newly single and just getting used to it.

I think the silence things is the thing that makes the most sense to me. Right now, it is 10:13am on a Saturday morning. I woke up shortly after 9 (it was actually 9:11 on my clock when I woke up, weird). And I haven't spoken yet. I haven't turned on the tv, or the radio. It is quiet. Really quiet.

I have no real big plans for the day. I have a load of work to do today, so I am going to be putting some quiet time in at home today, and probably tonight. It is going to be a day very filled with silence.

I am going to go to the coffee shop in a few minutes to get some tea and a bagel, and will have to speak to order, but then it will be back to my apartment, and back to silence.

I am slowly getting used to the silence. And just me.

The only time that I seem to mind the silence is at bedtime. When I turn off the tv, wash my face & brush my teeth, and get into bed. Sure, I read for a little while. But then the lights go out. And it is quiet. Really quiet. Sometimes, in fact, it is too quiet for me. And I turn on the dehumidifier for some background noise. So that I can't hear the wind, the creaks & cracks or my own breathing.

But I do really love being able to do things on my own time. Getting ready in the morning, and washing my face at night. And having the bathroom all to myself. If I leave the cabinet door open, it is still open when I get home. It is nice to never have anyone moving your things. Everything is right where you left it*.

*This doesn't work as well when you can't find something though... no one to ask if they have seen whatever it is that you are missing. Which reminds me, has anyone seen my pink glasses? I have no idea where they are.


What do you love/hate about being single?

I feel old.

Right around the time that my wedding was cancelled, I got a lot of advice. And words of encouragement. Many people told me that "everything happens for a reason". Which I am not sure  believe. I know, intellectually that in the grand scheme of my life, this year is going to become less significant than others. And that all of the wonderful things that are going to happen to me in the future, would never have happened (in the future) if this terrible break up did not happen to me (now). But, It is hard to tell your heart that, when it is breaking.

One of the things that people told me all the time was "don't worry, you're young, you have lots of time to meet someone".

That. Felt. Terrible.

I don't feel young. I feel old. I was four months away from my wedding. I was planning my next house, with a bigger kitchen, and a backyard big enough for a swing set. I was ready to start making babies, and creating a family.

I don't feel young. Because for as long as I can remember, I have wanted to get married, and have a family. Now, I am not someone who have been planning my wedding since I was a little girl. I hadn't really thought much about my wedding at all until I was engaged. But, I had been planning my marriage.

I have wanted a husband and a brood of kids since I, myself, was a kid. I have wanted to have someone to share my life with, and someone to raise a family with. I have always felt like I would have children young. I wanted to have 1.5 kids before I was thirty. And I have wanted that since I was about 11.

So, telling me that I am "so young" and that I have "so much time" was awful. I don't feel young.

This is the oldest I have ever been. I have nothing else to compare it to.

And, I know that I can have all of those things. And I know that eventually I will have them. And I know that I just have to be patient, and let this pass, and to let the universe do its work for me.

And I know that I am young.

But for now, I feel old.

(This is not me. Really.)

I have a confession...

I'm going to miss watching Oprah.

I have been watching Oprah on and off for my entire life. My mom watches Oprah. And she did when I was a kid. So, most days, Oprah was on in my household, and from about age 11 on, I watched it. Not every day... but probably once a week or so.

I even watch some of the Oprah spinoffs. Dr. Phil, Nate Berkus

So yeah, I love Oprah. And I'm going to her.

I was chubby. I am chubby?

I was a chubby baby. I was a chubby kid. I was a chubby teenager. And then I was a chubby adult. I was chubby.

Almost five years ago, my sister was visiting me. We were both still in university, and she was visiting me during her spring break. We had spent the week together and it was great. We saw a couple of shows, shopped, and hung out. I was cracking a lot of jokes about my weight. Covering how I was feeling about it with jokes. A friend had even joked that week that my sister looked like I would look if I was skinny. It was a terrible thing to hear, but I laughed my way though it. On the last day of my sister's vacation, we went to the mall. We were shopping for dresses, and I was in the dressing room trying one on. I couldn't get the zipper up, it was way too small. My sister innocently asked if she could get me the next size up. It was the biggest size in the store. I just brushed it off with more jokes.

I didn't realize it, but my sister was getting fed up with my jokes. I made one last joke as we were leaving the mall and she turned to me and said "If all you are going to do is talk about being fat, you are going to stay fat. If you don't want to be fat anymore, you are going to have to do something other than talk about it."

I was floored.

This was coming from my sister. My partner in crime, my love me unconditionally, never talk back to me, younger sister. I couldn't believe that she had said that. I was hurt. Really hurt.

But then I started thinking. She had a point. Nothing would change if I just kept making jokes. If I wanted something to change, I was going to have to do something.

So I turned to the trusty internet. And Googled the nearest Weight loss group. There was one that day, less than 2km from where I lived at the time. The universe was trying to tell me something.

And so I went. I went every week. And over the course of 6 months, I lost 50lbs. I hit my goal weight, and felt great.

And then I started to gain the weight back. I gained about 20lbs back, and basically stayed there. A bit overweight, but comfortable. And I stayed like that for about 4 years. I bounced up and down within a 10lb range, but I basically was happy where I was.

And then, I was broken up with.

Over the past 3 months, I have not been paying attention to what I have been eating. I have not been exercising. I have not been doing much of anything. And I have been gaining weight. And then, this week the weather was freezing, and I had to take out my winter coat.  And it was tight. Really tight. Like, hard to zipper tight.

So, tonight, I went back to the weight loss group. I got weighed in. And, I am almost back to my starting weight. From 5 years ago. And then I cried. And then I ate some ice cream.

So tomorrow, I get to start over again. Start over again trying to lose weight. Trying to get my body back to a place where I feel comfortable. Where my pants fit. I get to start again with the measuring, and counting and exercising. I really need to pay attention to what I am eating, and what I am doing in terms of exercise. And when I do that, I am able to manage my weight. But, when I don't pay attention, I get into trouble. So, I am starting in the morning, with an english muffin and some green tea. I am going to start again tomorrow.

I guess that's the thing about tomorrow, getting to start over.

Goals

I read this post the other day, and it got me thinking. What are 30 things that I want to accomplish before I am 30?

As I have mentioned before, I am a planner. I love to plan. So, something like this, setting a certain number of goals in a certain time frame, sounds great.

The thing is, that I am still a few years from 30.

And then I remembered 101 in 1001. I had seen this in blogs in the past. The basic idea is that you choose 101 goals to reach in 1001 days. The goals can be anything. They can range from "Buy a new Bike" to "Go Skydiving".  Here is a list of the top 101 (although after reading those, I find some of them really strange...) 

So, I have started my list. I am going to take the next couple of days (weeks?) to compile 101 things that I want to do with my life in the next 1001 days. And then I will share them with you.

What are your goals? Have you put them in list form?

Rocking Out

I went out dancing on Saturday night.

With my girl friends, after a couple of bottles of wine.

It was the first time that I had been out, and single, since early 2007. Like, probably January 2007.

It. Was. So. Much. Fun.

It was kind of smelly (which I had forgotten about). And really sweaty. But awesome. The DJ was great, and was playing great tunes. I didn't feel old, which I thought I might.

My girl friend Maggie* had come over to my place. We had a couple of glasses of wine and then head over to another friends house. There were about 8 of us, and we were all hanging out, having a good time, and decided to go dancing. I did get hit on by a guy who told me that he works at Costco. And then proceeded to tell me how much they pay him. And how he "runs the shit out of that place." Ha. It was hilarious.

I didn't get hit on when I was out at the club, but there were a few sideways glances. It was a lot of fun.

Did I mention I had a great time?

*Maggs is actually newly single as well. She just broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years. They are still living in their apartment, figuring out what is happening next. She might be moving in with me.

Plan? What plan?

I feel like I should have lots to say. That I should be able to reflect back on everything that has happened over the past three months, and have lots to talk about.

But, I don't really.

Sometimes this doesn't feel like my life. Sometimes it feels like I am on a vacation from my real life, and that at any moment I am going to just, go home. And things will be back the way they were before.

Sometimes it feels like my relationship with my ex never happened. Like, it was all a really long dream that I had once. About this amazing guy, who I loved, and who broke my heart.

Most of the time, I feel like I am just going about my life. Going to work. Coming home. Spending time with friends. Talking to my mom on the phone. . And it feels really strange to be doing it all solo.

It has been a really long time since I made any decisions all alone. I started dating my ex when I was 22. I bought a house with him. Purchased life insurance. Went on vacations. We both got new jobs in the time we were together. And made a lot of new friends. Many people didn't even know us without one another. So now, decisions seem hard. Deciding what kind of renter's insurance to purchase for my place, seemed weird. Not that he made decsisons for me. He didn't. We made them togehter. And now making them alone seems strange.

It is also strange not to have a plan. You see, I am a planner. I plan things.

I plan vacations years in advance. I plan life events. I have been planning on gettting married and having children, before I am thirty, since I was a child. And now, my plan has been taken away. And I am left without one. Which is hard. And uncomfortable. So I need to make a new plan. Or at least, figure out what direction I am supposed to be travelling in.

Do you have a plan? Has it been interrupted in the past?

Think Positive

Someone on my newsfeed on Facebook posted this last week. And I can't get enough of it.

This kid is seriously, amazing.



We should all be doing this while getting ready for work in the morning!

Dating is Terrifying

This whole dating thing is terrifying. Like, really terrifying.

Part of me feels like I should not even be thinking about dating yet. I mean, my wedding date has not even come yet. I am still within the time period that I was supposed to be getting married. People are still running into me in coffee shops and asking if I am getting excited for my "big day."

(Seriously, don't you people gossip? Don't you know that my finance left me with no warning? Couldn't you be a little more in touch with facebook/other people so you don't have to put us both in this awkward situation of me telling you that I am not, in fact, getting married?)

But another part of me feels like I need to jump back on the dating horse. Not that I have dated anyone since, like, early 2007. But, I feel like I should get some practice, before I am serious about finding someone to spend my life with. Or something.

Do people do that? Practice dating?

I could...

• Move to Australia
• Become a Lawyer
• Become a spy
• Move to my hometown and live in my parents basement
• Become a bum
• Move to Spain
• Get a job on a cruise ship
• Become a radio show host
• Move to India
• Volunteer in Africa
• Become a doctor
• Become a teacher

So I guess the answer to "Now What?" is... Anything I want.

So, I'm not getting married after all...

So, about three months ago, my fiance called off our wedding and broke up with me. 

I felt like I had been blindsided.

I was supposed to be getting married on New Years Eve. I had a wedding dress, and was in the last few month of planning. Family members had already booked flights & hotel rooms to come and celebrate with us. 

Now he has bought me out of our house. We have signed our seperation agreement to say that our relationship is over "absolutely and forever." I have moved out, and into my own apartment. 


And now I am a single girl, again.


Now what?