Giveaway? Hooray!

CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from stylish furniture, modern bedding, or great cookware!

They approached me a few weeks ago about doing a $25 giveaway for one of my readers. (I'm not going to lie, I was pretty stoked that someone thought that I had readers, and that they wanted me to give something away to them.. So thanks for the confidence boost CNS Stores.)

I thought that this giveaway was a great one, since just this week we were talking about how to make your place your own. 

While browsing though the modern bedding section, I came across a few lovely things that I might just purchase to spice up my place. Here are some of my faves:

I love this. It would match my purple bed wonderfully!

This would be perfect for curling up on the couch and watching Sex & the City.

I think this one is perfectly purple & girly!

Here's how to enter:

• First make sure that you are following me with Google Friend Connect by clicking the link on the right. (Let me know if you are a new follower, or if you were already following)

• Then, leave me a comment telling me what items you buy to make your place more lovely.

• If you want to enter a second time follow me on twitter (@singlegirltl) and tweet the following: I just entered @singlegirltl's modern bedding giveaway. Want to enter? Visit her here: http://tinyurl.com/4qnn5vx

• And come back and leave a second comment telling me that you tweeted.

The winner will be announced February 6th at 6pm EST.

Excited? I know I am!

Blahhhh

I don't know if you are all following me on Twitter or not, but if you are, you know that I am being swallowed whole by my LSAT books. I am two weeks away from my rewrite, and have been using all of my brain power reviewing LSAT information.

And, you will have also noticed, that I am driving myself crazy.

I feel so lonely being stuck, by  myself, in my apartment. It is not the same as when I was in university and I knew that all of my friends were also stuck in their apartments studying. No, my friends are all done school, and doing fun things like drinking and going to concerts.

And I am sitting at home, taking short breaks to play scrabble on my iPhone.

Plus, my parents left for a vacation in Mexico this morning, and will be gone for a week. So I don't even have my never failing mother to call and whine about how terrrrible all this studying is.

(This is what I feel like. Except I am not a toddler. Or Japanese)

Boo. Studying sucks.

And I realize that once I go to law school, I am going to be studying non stop. But it will be different, because I will have classmates. And they will have sucky studying lives too. And I won't be all alone in study land.

That is all. I'm sorry that this entire post was me complaining.... (but this is my blog after all... hehe)

Making my place my own

One of the things that is on my list of things to do, is to decorate my apartment. When I moved out of the house that my ex and I owed together, I moved into a basement apartment. (It is actually in my friend's house, her tenants moved out suddenly about two weeks before my ex and I broke up. It was pretty perfect timing. In a shitty, your life is falling down around you, kind of way). He bought me out of our house, because I wasn't sure where I was going to end up living. And I'm still not sure, I might flee the country at any moment.

 

When we broke up, we split up our things. Anything that was mine before the relationship, remained mine. Anything that had been his, was his. Anything that my family gave us as a gift was mine, anything his family gave us, was his. And the things we had purchased together, we split, item for item. We also did a few trades (I traded my old futon for our new one, I traded the TV stand that my grandmother had purchased us, for the one we purchased together). We actually made a list of everything we owed, and wrote one name or the other next to it.

 

Let me tell you, that was not an awesome process.

 

So when I moved into my own place, I brought with me furniture and artwork that had been hanging on our walls. Some of it was stuff that I had before we got together. And some of it was stuff that we had purchased together. 

 

Some things I took with me that I didn't even particularly like, but was too filled with spite at the time to leave behind. 

 

Since I moved in, I have been busy. First I was crying every day. Then, I was studying for the LSAT. (Sometimes I was studying for the LSAT between bouts of tears). Then I was getting ready for Christmas and dreading my unwedding day. And now I am studying for the LSAT, again. I haven't had a lot of time to think about what I want to go where. What I like and what I don't like about the apartment. Most of the furniture is still exactly where the movers put it when they moved me in.

 

When my dad was visiting in September, he put all of my pictures on the walls, but that is about it. There is still a random bulletin board on the wall in the hall left over from the last tenant. There is still a full length mirror leaned against the wall (also left over from the last tenant). My guest bedroom/craft room is filled with boxes and random items that I haven't unpacked, and haven't found a home for.

 

So, when this pesky LSAT business is cleared up, and when I have sent off all my law school applications, I am going to decorate my apartment. I am going to buy some things for the walls. I am going to put away all of the bank statements that are currently living on my book shelf. I am going to think about how I want the rooms to be set up. I am going to make the place mine.

 

Because, now that I live on my own, I can do whatever I want to with the place. I can buy nothing but purple things and fill the rooms with them. (Have I mentioned that I love purple everything?) I can buy things with cutes-y owls on them and put them all over my bathroom. I no longer have to consider if my decor choices are "too girly" or have "too much purple" (I don't think there is a such thing as too much purple, but some people disagree...).

 

What do you do to make your place yours? Any items that you have purchased that you love? I would love to get some suggestions!

Emotions

I have been feeling kind of emotional over the past couple of days. I am not sure why I have been feeling like this, but I am having a bit of a set back in terms of how I have been feeling. I am back to having trouble sleeping, and feeling pretty anxious a lot of the time. It probably has something to do with the stress that I have been feeling about rewriting the LSAT, but I am not sure.

This morning at work one of my coworkers was telling me about a friend of hers who is going through a divorce. Her friend and her husband have been separated for about a month and a half, and her friend is getting ready to move back to this city, from away. She is here for the next few weeks sorting things out, and getting ready to go through the motions of the separation.

Anyways this weekend, she went on a date.

My coworker told me about it, thinking that it would make me feel good. Show me that other people have hard times, and they get out there and get dating again.

But for some reason, it totally overwhelmed me. Dating? After being separated from her husband for less than 2 months? That terrified me. My ex and I have been broken up for over five months. And I so do not feel ready to date. I am just starting to realize that men exist. The thought of going out on a date is so overwhelming to me. I can't imagine being able to put myself out there like that. And try to meet someone.

I actually burst into tears in her office. (This is not the first time I have cried in front of this coworker, we are pretty close).

I don't know why I am having this setback. And feeling totally overwhelmed by everything.

Has anyone else felt this way? Felt like you were moving in the wrong direction?

I love my iPhone...

So, I am totally in love with my iPhone. It has so many fun apps. Plus, I feel super cool when I am using it.

I mentioned that I had been at a work event, and that the sales guy from the cell phone company had talked me into buying it.

The very cute, and seemed really genuinely nice sales guy.

I am just starting to notice that men exist again. When I was with my ex, I didn't really notice guys very much. I mean, I might have noticed a beautiful man sitting next to me on a plane, but on a day to day basis, I didn't really notice men. In fact, at the same event last year, the same cute cell phone sales guy was across from me the day, and I had no recollection of him this year. He was the one who reminded me that we had both been in the same places last year.

Because I am just recently back in the game, I am having a bit of a hard time knowing when someone is being nice, and when someone is flirting with me. And as I mentioned before, I have no idea how to tell if someone is single or not. Aside from the wedding ring check.

So I spent the day chatting with the cute sales guy, and promised that I would come out to see him in his store the next day to get my iPhone purchased & set up.

At home that night it dawned on me, I could look him up on Facebook. Just a quick search let me know that he does, in fact, have a girlfriend.

We are living in the future, folks.

It didn't all turn out badly. I did end up with my super awesome cool iPhone. And he did get me a great deal on my monthly plan (I look like a student, right?).

Have you Facebook stalked potential dates? Any tips on how to find out if someone is single? (Although now that I have my iPhone, I can just head to the restroom and check from there... too creepy?)

*Sorry I have been missing in action the past week or so, I have been focused on LSAT studying and it is melting my brain...)

iPhone!

Guess what?

I got an iPhone 4!

I am so super excited. This is my first smart phone. In fact, it is the first phone I have had that does anything more than talk and text...

I'm pretty much in love with it.

I had a business event for work yesterday, and happened to be seated right across from the mobility company that I had been thinking of getting an iPhone with. So, the guy and I chatted for most of the day, and he talked me into getting one (I was not a tough sell). He even gave me a better deal than I was able to find online for any of the providers.

So today, I took the afternoon off, and went out to see him at the store he manages, and I picked up my iPhone.

Hooray!

So far today, I have learned how to use TweetDeck... So now  my tweets can go where ever I go. Does anyone know if there is a Blogger App? Can I blog from my iPhone?

What is your favorite app? What do you do with your fancy smart phone?

Waiting on the Postman?

Sooo....

I signed up for the online course with Kaplan. They send you the resources in the mail. I was kind of assuming that everything would come electronically, but it didn't. It comes in the mail.

Which, the sales guy assured me was fine. The books would come in the mail, and in the meantime they had electronic copies. He emailed me the first 3 sections. Last Friday.

So I have been working steadily on them, and am almost done. My books are not scheduled to arrive until Tuesday (Jan 25). I was thinking that this was no big deal. I could just get them to email me the next few sections.

But, when I called last night, they told me that they don't have anymore sections in PDF form. They only have the first three sections.

So, now I am freaking out. I was planning on spending the entire weekend working my way through the online course, and now I don't have the materials to go with the classes. The guy on the phone told me that I could just watch the online classes, but the entire point of the classes is that they have you pause, work out the questions, and then explain how it works. It seems pointless to just watch.

I sent an email to the sales guy who sold me the course (who said it was going to be no problem for me to get the materials in the mail, because I could work on electronic ones until I got them). Hopefully there will be something that he can do for me for the next 5 days of studying.

Blah. Sorry for the rant. I am freaking myself out over this.

(This probably isn't going to help me sleep...)

Sleeeep...

After my breakup, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I had posted about it previously, and got some great advice on what to do to help me sleep.

And, I had been doing really well. I have been seeing an acupuncturist. And I have been doing the tea before bed, tv off before bed, wind down for an hour or so thing.

But ever since I got my LSAT score back, and I wasn't happy with it, I am back to not sleeping.

I have started my Kaplan on demand course, and there is a lot of information. I have been working hard every day to study and do as much work as I can each night between work and bedtime.

And I am feeling pretty stressed.

So then I can't sleep.

And then, because I can't sleep, I feel even more stressed that I am not sleeping, and that I am not going to be able to study effectively the next day. And so I can't sleep. So I am stressed.... You see what is going on here.

I need to chill out. But I don't feel like I have the time to spend an hour before bed chilling out, and getting myself relaxed, so that I can sleep.

I need some advice. Anything that you do to unwind before bed? Any ideas on how to make myself chill out so that I don't drive myself nuts between now and February 12?

Sunday

Sundays are hard days when you are single, aren't they?

Sundays are family days. They are days that you spend preparing for the week. Cleaning up the house. Relaxing, before Monday comes.

My ex's family had "Sunday Dinner" every week. On Sunday, at lunchtime, his mother cooked a meal. A big one. Sometimes a turkey, sometimes a roast, sometimes some chickens. With all of the fixings. And everyone came for dinner.

My ex comes from a big family. There are five kids, and he is the youngest. All boys. Some live  in this province, others live away.

On Sundays, whoever was in town, came for dinner. Sometimes that means that there were eight of us, sometimes that meant that there were twelve of us. Sometimes, if aunts and uncles were visiting, there might have been more.

I loved it.

I loved the bustle of the dinner table. Of everyone talking. Of the brothers bickering, and the children refusing to eat this or that (and Nanny giving them whatever they wanted instead). I loved the smell of the house each Sunday when we arrived. And avoiding the dishes after the meal. And laughing with the family. Even if my ex had something else to do on a Sunday, I went to his parents house. It didn't matter to me. I was a part of the family. I didn't miss a Sunday.

A lot of the time the things that I miss the most about my relationship, are things like this. The family that I lost. The future that my kids were going to have, with that family.

Sundays are strange now. I always feel like I should be doing something. Like I should be going somewhere. Sunday is a hard day to be single.

What do you do on Sunday?

Study, Study

After my first attempt at the LSAT, I decided that I should take a prep course to try to prepare for my second attempt. I registered for an in person course in my area. (To be honest, I registered for the same prep course before the December LSAT, but it was cancelled due to low enrollment). I called several times to confirm that the course was going ahead. Thursday, the woman on the phone assured me that the course would go ahead. And last night I received and email telling me that the course has been cancelled.

So I went to my Plan B.

I am going to do a prep course online.

I decided to go with a Kaplan LSAT Advantage On Demand course. I will get to do all of the classroom hours on my own  schedule (which is going to be tight, I write again on February 12). But, I am feeling really optimistic about it.

Have you taken an online course like this? Any of you studying for the LSAT? What is your plan?

The Ex Brother-in-law to be

So I ran into my ex's brother this week. Or rather, he ran into me. Chased me, really.

 

One of the things that I have been worrying about, is running into my ex's family. I live in a small city. And I live and work in the same part of the city that his family lives in. And he comes from a huge family. So it is kind of amazing that I haven't run into any of them up to this point.

 

Running into my ex doesn't worry me too much. There is no etiquette about what I need to do if I run into him. I can make a scene and yell at him. I can turn and run in the other direction. I can burst into tears. And I won't feel like I have reacted incorrectly.

 

But his family is another story. I have to smile. And say hello. And ask how everyone is doing. And tell them that I am doing well. I have to be nice. And I have to be strong.

 

I was downtown this week for a meeting, and when I was in my car backing out of my parking space, I heard a knocking. I actually thought that I had hit something, so I was looking behind me. And then there was a knocking on my car window.

 

When I looked up (scared, surprised) it was one of my ex's older brothers. Smiling. Waving. He had seen me walking past him on the sidewalk. And followed me so he could talk to me.

 

So I rolled down the window to talk to him. He seemed excited to see me. Asked how I was. Wondered why I was downtown. He told me that I should go by and visit his mother, or at least that I should call her. That she is worried about me. When I told him that I knew, but that I was having a big of a rough time, he responded "I know, I understand, you got screwed." I smiled and asked about the family. He told me about their niece, and how much she had grown. How good she was getting with the Nintendo DS (she is almost five). I told him that he could let his mother know that he had seen me, and that I am alive.

 

That was it. We said goodbye. I drove away.

 

And then I cried. It seemed so strange to see him. He is someone who I had seen and spent time with at least once a week for the past four years. Someone who had become a constant in my life. Someone who could be counted on for a quiet joke at a family function. Someone who was supposed to be my future brother-in-law.

 

It was a reminder of my old life. A life that I really miss, a future that I really miss, but don't often let myself think about. It reminds me of my ex. And that I do miss him. Or at least I miss the person who I thought that I was going to be spending my life with. 

It was also validating to hear him say that he understood that I had been the one who was wronged. It was interesting to hear that coming from someone who is close to my ex. To know that they understood that this wasn't something that I chose. It is hard to know what he told them, what he told anyone. It was nice to hear that he knew, they knew, at least some of the story. 

In a way, I am glad that I ran into him. I am glad that I got this first run in out of the way. I know now that I can hold myself together if I see anyone. And I know that I am not yet ready to go and visit his parents, like they would like me to.

How have you coped with the family issue of a break up? Have you remained in contact with anyone from past relationships?

Snow!

Today is the first really big snowstorm of the season here! I am so excited!

We have not really had much snow yet this year. I live really close to the ocean, so we often get rain, instead of snow. Last night they were calling for 10-15cm, but I was doubtful. This morning there was about 3cm on the ground...

But then it started snowing harder! We were even sent home from work early!

Yay for (partial) snow days!

So now, I am chilling in my apartment, eating some sushi. Some of my girl friends are coming over in a little while to eat some cupcakes and drink some wine...

What do you do when the weather closes things down?

How can you tell?

I have not been single in a long time. In fact, the last time that I was single, I was 22. And not looking for a husband. And, not very many people my age were married.

I am not 22 anymore. And a lot of people my age are married.

I am just starting to notice men, again. Like, notice that they exist. I walked around for three months after my breakup in a daze. (And looking like a bag-lady, I was lucky if I had a shower, let alone put on makeup). But the daze has lifted. And I am starting to think about the fact that I might have to date at some point. And I might have to attract someone who wants to date me.

But who should I date? How can I know who to give my flirty eyes to? (Oh god, who knows what my flirty eyes look like, it has been a while since I have had to use them to actually attract anyone...)

How do I know if someone is single?

Obviously, I can do a ring check. To see if he is married. (I am old. People my age are married).

But what are some other clues?

When I was standing in line at CanadaPost the other day, I thought of another clue. Car keys. The man in front of me (who was rather cute) was holding his car keys in his hand. He was not wearing a wedding ring. His keys, however, did tell me that he was attached. On his key ring were the keys for two vehicles. Which means one of two things. 1. He is attached, and thus his household has two vehicles, or 2. He is rich and owns two vehicles himself. (And I am going to go with the first, as the way he was dressed did not suggest that he had boatloads of money).

What are some other clues? How do you tell if someone is single?

My Pants are still Tight...

So, remember this post?

The one where I talked about how I had gained a bunch of weight after my break up. And that I was starting fresh. And that I was going to join the weight loss group, and lose some of this weight. Starting tomorrow...

Yeah.

That didn't really work out.

There was crunch time for when I wrote the LSAT the first time. Then it was my eye surgery. And then it was my looming unwedding day and the visit to see my family.

The good news it that I only gained 1 pound since then. The bad news is that my pants are still tight.

What I am trying to say is... I am starting over. Again. For real. I even went to the grocery store last night and bought healthy food. Like fruit. (And am storing everything in my fridge because if you follow me on Twitter you know that I came home to mice in my apartment). I need to get my body back to comfortable. And I need to start feeling better (I have been feeling terrible, since I am feeding my body terrible food).

So I guess this is a new years resolution. Get my body back to where I feel comfortable. Because I may end up sleeping with someone new at some point and I am feeling pretty self conscious these days. And oh god someone new might see me naked... I want to feel good about myself.

What were your new years resolutions?

Pity Party

I had a little breakdown last night.

(Source)

It has been almost a week since I returned from visiting my family for the holidays. I was feeling overwhelmed with the past couple of days. I received my LSAT mark yesterday, and have decided that I need to rewrite the exam. I spent some time yesterday researching prep courses, and planning what needs to happen over the next 5 weeks.

I was feeling really lonely, and kind of sad. I was feeling like I have been doing everything by myself, and that I don't really have anyone that I can totally lean on. (Not that my friends and family aren't amazing, it is just hard not to be anyone's number one. The person who is allowed to lean on someone, no matter what).

Did I mention that I came home to a dead mouse in my kitchen (which did not smell awesome) and evidence that the little dude had been having a free for all while I was away. 

So this weekend, I need to clean my entire apartment, including taking all my pots & pans & dishes out of the kitchen cabinets, washing everything and putting it all away again.  I have some laundry to do, and since my flight was delayed, I hadn't even completely unpacked. I am planning on going back to the Fat Fighting group that I joined to help me lose some of this break up weight (as well as the holiday weight that I added to it...)  In addition to all of that, I need to begin studying for the LSAT. Again.

So  yeah. I was having a bit of a pity party for one. Well, actually, two. Since I called my mom and cried to her on the phone. (It was really nice of me to invite her to the party...)


What do you do when you are hit with sudden bouts of loneliness?  How do you cope?

The LSAT. Again.

So I received my LSAT score yesterday. It was not what I had hoped that it would be. It was, realistically, what I was expecting. I found the actual LSAT much harder than any of the practice tests that I had completed. I guess that my nerves got to me. The score isn't terrible. But it is a "maybe I'll get into the school of my choice" rather than a "I will probably get into the school of my choice." I think that improving my score by 5 points will put me into the "most likely" category. (And improving by 10 points will put me in the "Welcome to Law School" category...)

So.

I am going to rewrite in February.

I have a whole month to restudy. I am contacting my prelaw advisor to look for a tutor. I am much more emotionally stable than I was when I began studying in September. And even more healed than when I wrote a month ago.

So, here we go again!

(I sound much more positive and confident than I am feeling).

PSA about Therapy

Right after I returned to work after my breakup, my boss reminded me about our Employee Assistance Plan. (Wow. What an awkward conversation that was. My very stern, old school, no emotions, male boss, telling me that we had an EAP for employees in "situations like mine").  Basically the way that it worked, was that they would hook me up with a counselor in your area. It is totally confidential, and totally paid for by my employer. (I had actually already contacted them, because I am a bit of a benefits guru in my office, and already knew that I could get free legal advice and free counselling).

It was a great suggestion. 

I was paired with an amazing counselor in my area. 

She has helped me to much! The first time I met with her, I felt better. For real. To have someone who has no connection with me, tell me that what happened to me was terrible, was amazing. Everyone that I had talked to up until that point was effected by the situation. My parents had their feelings hurt. My sister had her feelings hurt. My friends had their feelings hurt. Because I was hurting so much, those around me were hurting too. So their comments and advice, came from a place of pain. But my counselor? Her feelings weren't hurt at all. She didn't know me. She wasn't invited to my wedding. She was a stranger. 

And she told me that the whole situation sucked. And she told me that I am a good person. And she told me that I didn't deserve this. And she told me that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. And she told me that everything was going to be ok. And she told me that this wasn't the relationship that I was meant to have. And that someone even better was out there waiting for me. And that I am going to be a great wife. And that I am going to be a great mother. 

Of course, she made lots of suggestions too. About things that I could to do help with the healing process. She encouraged me to exercise. She suggested that I read The Secret. She encouraged me to make, and keep, plans with friends. She encouraged me to journal. Which I did for a while. But it didn't really work out for me. (How hilarious, a blogger who couldn't journal)... thus this blog. 

But she was (is) fantastic. She told me each time that I went to see her that I was doing great. And that these things take time. She kept telling me I had suffered a huge loss. And that it was ok for me to feel the way that I was feeling. To have someone validate me like that, was truly amazing. I really think that she helped me to see things clearly.

I started writing this post to talk about The Secret. And about the power of positive thinking. But I got sidetracked by just how amazing I think that my counselor is.

So here is my suggestion to you (all of you...). Check out your Employee Assistance Plan. Check out your Employee Benefits (or student benefits). Check to see what is is available to you. And go and see someone. (This is the end of the public service announcement about therapy....)

I'm a TV Whore

I am going to take a break from all the blogging about feelings that I have been doing lately to talk about a deep love of mine.

The Television.

I have already admitted that I love Oprah.

But Oprah is not my only guilty pleasure. I love TV in general. I watch everything. I, am a tv whore.

I am excited for the following shows that are going to be/have started this week.

The Bachelor on ABC - Now, this season's bachelor have done this before. He was also the bachelor three years ago on the show. In the end of the season finale, he ended up turning both women down. And marrying neither. This season he says that he has changed, and is now here to find love. We will see. (I actually missed the season premiere because of my flying excursion on Monday, so will have to catch up before next week).

The Biggest Loser on NBC This might be my very favorite show. I love the stories. I love the contestants. I love watching them lose weight week after week. I love watching them find themselves week after week. It is amazing. (And did you see those dad-twins? So adorable, right? I love them!) I am a hardcore biggest loser fan. I follow Bob, Jillian & Ali on twitter.

(Yikes... What is going to happen without Bob & Jillian?)

Grey's Anatomy on ABC - I don't think that I have missed an episode of this show, since the beginning. I love it. I am totally involved in all of the characters, and talk about them as though they are a part of my inner circle. (OMG, what is going to happen with Callie and Arizona?) And I am actually annoyed with Katherine Heigl as a person for not continuing with the Alex and Izzy storyline...

The Big Bang Theory on CBS - My dad got the first three seasons of this show on DVD for Christmas. I love it. It is so quick and witty. Leonard and Penny might be the new Ross and Rachel. Yes, I compared BBT to Friends... For real.  I am really exited to catch up with the fourth season, and to watch things as they are happening. Shelon is my favorite... Or maybe it is Leonard... I follow the actors on Twitter as well...

Ok, Those are the shows that I am going to be watching religiously. 

Stay tuned for the ones that I watch regularly :)

What shows do you watch?

Lessons

There are lessons everywhere.

 

Yesterday, when my flight was delayed, I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself.  I was feeling sad about leaving my family behind. I was tired from not enough sleep the night before. I was delayed and travelling alone. I had to sit around in the airport all by myself and wait for the next flight. I had to make the decision to wait around in the airport for the next flight, instead of waiting until the next morning by myself. I had to lug both of my suitcases from one end of the airport to the other, only to recheck them by myself. And to top it all off, I was supposed to be travelling to the sunny carribean on that very same day to start my honeymoon cruise.

 

So, I'm not going to lie, I got a little bit teary for a few minutes.

 

But then I realized something.

 

My ex was a terrible traveller. He was not a patient guy when it came to waiting in lines. He got frustrated about long drives, long flights, and uncertain plans.

 

He would have been a nightmare yesterday. He would have been angry and grumpy when the plane turned around, and flew an hour back to where we came from. He would have been annoyed that we had to get our suitcases and head back to the departures area. He would have been fuming about the six hour wait. And he would have been a bear when we sat in the plane for 90 minutes before even leaving the gate on our second flight of the day.

 

And I would have been annoyed, because he was annoyed. I would have been checking with him to see how he was doing all day. Trying to cheer him up. Trying to make the day a little bit better for the both of us.

 

Instead I drank some wine. Read some blogs. Wrote a couple of blog posts. Tweeted non-stop. Read my book club book.

 

When I got home I was exhausted. And a bit sad to be back in my apartment. (And annoyed because there was some sort of sour smell that I am not sure where it was coming from). But, dispite it being a really long day, I was ok. I had some time to chill. I don't really mind airports. I like to people watch. I know that with travel, comes delays.

 

So, lesson learned universe. Sometimes it is better to be alone.

 

 

 

I wonder how he has changed?

If you follow me on Twitter you know that my flight was redirected today. And you also know that I am drinking in the airport bar, courtesy of the $10 that WestJet kindly gave me since they could not land in the fog in my city (haha... $10 to last from 10am - 11pm). So now I  am back in the airport that I started in this morning at 10am, 3 hours into my 6 hour wait for my next flight.

I have a lot of time to think. (As if I haven't been doing enough of that lately...)

This blog post is brought to you by airport delays & wine....

It has been 4 months since my ex called off our wedding. It has been 4 days since my unwedding day. Sometimes I still can't believe that this happened. That he didn't want to work on our relationship. That it is over.

In some ways it feels like it was just yesterday. And in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago.

I have changed so much in the past 4 months. Both physically and emotionally. I cut off all my hair (which I had been growing out for the wedding) and dyed is much darker.  I gained  20lbs (yikes!). I bought my first pair of skinny jeans. I had eye surgery last month (no more glasses!).

I have thought about doing so many different things with my life. I decided to write the LSAT, studied for it, and  I wrote it (keep your fingers crossed, I still haven't received my mark!). I have researched working abroad. Have looking into buying a condo here in this city, and in other cities. I have thought about travelling, alone and with friends.

And I have spent a lot of time thinking. About my life. About myself. About our relationship.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about the things that I want from myself, from my life, from a partner.

And I have thought about the ways that my ex did not fufill those thoughts and dreams.

And it is terrifying.

I was ready to marry that man. A man, who might not have been everything that I was looking for. I was devastated when he left me. I had no idea what to do. I had spent the previous almost four years preparing to be his wife, and the mother of his children, and he was gone. And I thought that he was everything that I wanted in life. Only, looking back now, he wasn't...

So now, I wonder how he has changed.

If I have changed so much, in the past four months... And it make me think...  what he has changed? We have not spoken since our separation was finalized (except for the church incident). I did see on his facebook that he was painting (what was he painting? the bathroom? it really needed a coat of paint).

Has he changed? Has he re-evaluated his life? Has he thought about running away? Has he made some sort of huge career change? Has he thought about dating? Has me met someone new?

I wonder how he has changed.

My Unwedding Day

As a lot of you know, December 31, 2010 was supposed to be my wedding day. It was supposed to be the day that I walked down the aisle, towards my future husband. It was supposed to be the day that we stood together, in front of all of the important people in our lives, and said our marriage vows. Vows that our parents said, vows that our grandparents said. Promises to one another, that were supposed to last a lifetime.

Friday was supposed to be that day.

Every since my wedding was called off, I had been dreading my unwedding day. I had been filled with fear and anxiety. I had been so worried about that day. About what would happen. About how I would feel. About how I would react. I was terrified that I would end up feeling exactly the way that I felt back in August, when my ex told me that he no longer wanted to be with me.

I was afraid.

Whenever someone tried to talk to me about it, I would burst into tears. One friend suggested we go out of town. Another suggested we go to a concert. Each time someone mentioned New Years Eve plans, I would well up, and have to leave the room.

I have healed a lot in the past four months. And I was so scared that I would end up right back where I started. After what happened a few weeks ago with the email from the church, I was thinking that I might spend the entire day in  bed.

But I didn't. In fact, my unwedding day turned out to be pretty uneventful.

On Thursday, my two best friends (one from High School, one from University). They each drove more than three hours, to spend the final day, of the worst year of my life with me. They are both amazing. I can't imagine what I would have done without them.

On Friday morning I slept in, late. Until about 11am. I was hoping to sleep as much of the day away as I could. I got up, got dressed, and had some breakfast. I watched a few episodes of Big Bang Theory with my parents and my friends. My BFFs and I went out for (late) lunch, and chatted about all of the things that are going on in our lives.

After our lunch, we watched a few more episodes of Big Bang Theory with my parents (my dad received seasons 1-3 for Christmas) and then had supper with my family. My parents had plans to go out with some of the neighbours,  so the three of us were left on our own. In preparation, we had rented 3 movies.

And then we watched them. We hung out in the basement with the fire going, we ate some popcorn, chips and some cake. And we watched three movies, back to back to back. I teared up a few times, when I mentioned that we only had an hour left in the worst year of my life. And when my sister called to wish me a Happy New Year. But other than that, I was ok..

I did cry for a while after everyone had gone to bed. And my mom did come into my room after she came home from the party, and hugged me and sat with me while I cried for a while. (And I might be crying right now, as I write this). But I made it. I survived it.

2010 was awful. This has been the worst thing that has ever happened to me. But, I have survived it. I am ok.  And in the grand scheme of things, a breakup being the worst thing that has ever happened to be, means that I am a pretty lucky person. Because no matter how terrible I have felt (and I am sure that I am going to have some more terrible days) I have a pretty great life.

Dear 2011

Dear 2011,

 

Please be kind.

 

You see, 2010 was a bit hard on me.

 

And I am hoping that you, 2011, will be kinder.

 

I am looking for a lot of things 2011, but mostly, I am looking for myself. I can't really remember who I am. The things I like. The things I want. I can't really remember who I am, when I am not preparing to be a wife, or a mother. I can't really remember who I am, when I am not a home owner, or someone who goes to costco on the weekends with her partner.

I got a little lost in 2010, and I am hoping to be found in 2011.

I am looking to learn more, 2011. I want to learn about all sorts of things. I am looking to learn about photography. I want to buy a fancy new camera and take a class. I want to take stunning pictures, while visiting the beautiful nature that surrounds me in this great city. I want to learn more about feminism. I took a women's studies class in university and loved it. I want to get back to thinking about myself as a woman, and what that means in our culture. I want to read. Everything. I even want to learn in an academic world, because, 2011, I want to go back to school.

I want to remember what it is like to cook. Really cook. Food that I like, and not just meals that can be prepared quickly, but foods that are good for my body and good for my soul. I want to try new recipes and make things that I have never cooked before. Just because I live alone, doesn't mean that I can't make great meals. I want to make delicious things, and invite people for dinner.

I want to learn how to date. I haven't dated much in the past. Since I was 18, there was only a four month period when I was single. I want to go on dates with actual men, who will ask me real things about myself, and about my life. And I want to have good thing to tell them. I want to date people and decide if I like them, not if they like me.

I want to meet new people. People who don't know my story. People who don't know who I used to be. And who I thought I was going to be. I want to meet people, and have them know who I am right now.

I want to figure out where I want to live. I have lived in this amazing city for almost ten years. But I am far from my parents. Far from my family. I want to figure out where my ties are. Where I should be. If I should move closer, or if I should stay where I am, and continue to build my life.

I want to heal. I want to be able to relate to people without thinking about my past. I want to be able to celebrate things without noticing how single I am. Without feeling like someone is missing. I want to stop feeling so sad. And start feeling happy. I want to grow as a person, and feel better about my life as it is right now.

I want to continue to grow my friendships. I want to be able to make plans, reach out to people, spend time with others. I can make plans for work nights. I can decide to go for dinner on a Tuesday. I also want to grow my online friendships, through forums that I visit, through this blog, through twitter. 

Oh 2011, you are a clean slate. A new year. A time for anything to happen.

So, please be easy on me, 2011. Please be filled with love, and fun, and happiness. Be full of opportunities, and adventures. And most of all, be kind. 

Love, 

TL