Condo Love

*I haven't figured out how to post comments without logging into my account, which I don't want to do from work. And since the only place that I have internet access is work, I haven't been responding to comments. But, I have been reading them all. And I really appreciate them. Oh, and although I am not commenting on all of your blogs, I am reading them as well...*

 

I'm a bit obsessed with thinking about how I am going to decorate my condo. Actually, more than a bit obsessed. I think that I have chosen a color scheme (which is not one that I thought I would like, but the more photos that I looked at, the more that I realized that I was being drawn to the same colors over and over again).

 

Here are some of my inspiration photos....

 

I'm in love with the pop of color on the inside of this bookcase

 

I'm toying with the idea of a magnetic wall above my desk area in my bedroom

 

I'm in love with this headboard, although I did buy a wooden one this weekend at a yard sale that I am going to be painting.

 

This mirror is A.MA.ZING.

 

I might put a chandelier in my bedroom. My mom thinks it is a ridiculous idea.

 

I'm thinking that I might do this in my bathroom. I am thinking about doing it with even less contrast, and putting the white tree on an almost white wall.

 

 

What do you think? Do you think that the white/teal/tan/yellow combo will work? I am getting excited for painting & decorating.

I am still talking about him

I feel like my life is still wrapped up with my ex. When people talk about their spouses and tell stories, I still feel like saying "when we went to Cuba" and "When we bought our house" I feel like my history is in him. Because my memories, all of the memories of the past four and a half years, include him. Even the past ten months, in which I have been healing my heart, are because of him.

 

I started seeing a new therapist this week (in the new city that I am living in). And I was talking about this with her. When she asked me what it was I wanted to accomplish in our sessions together. And what I told her was, I want to stop talking about what happened. I want to stop thinking about it. I want to stop doing things because of what happened with my ex.

 

And she told me, that I have to make a decision to do that. That I have to decide, to not talk about it anymore.

 

That is way easier said than done.

 

When someone says "hey, have you ever played Little-Big Planet on Playstation?" it is very easy to respond "Yes! My ex and I used to play that all the time. We loved it." Because we did.

 

I guess it is because our relationship was good. From my point of view. Until the end. When it didn't exist anymore. And until it didn't exist anymore, I was happy. So I don't really have a lot of bad memories of our three and a half years together. All of the bad memories are from when we were no longer together.

 

So I am going to stop. Stop talking about him in passing. Stop using his name. Stop talking about the breakup. I am in a new place. I am in a new life. I don't need to go over and over my breakup. Bad things happen to people all the time. Heart break happens all the time. And it is terrible. And it is sad.

 

But it is over.

 

 

And this is not to say that I am still sitting at home, thinking about what has happened. Because I haven't been doing that. I am living my life. It is just the little things. The casual comments. The thought that this move was because of him. I don't need to explain my move to everyone that I meet. People move all the time. I don't need to tell people that I went to Cuba with my ex, I can just say that I went there for a friend's wedding.

 

Have you had to make this conscious choice to stop talking & thinking about someone or something? Did it just happen naturally?

 

 

I bought a condo. NBD.

I'm going to be a home owner again!

 

 

Over the weekend my parents and I met with a Realtor and went to visit a number of condos and town houses. There were a lot in my price range, and to be honest, most of them were exactly the same. And all of them were in the same area. (The city that I bought in, is pretty small, and there have been a bunch of condos built in the same area over the past 5 years).

 

It ended up coming down to the most bang for the buck. The one that I chose had the lowest list price, had all the appliances included (even the microwave!) and didn't have a contingency fee upon closing. It was clean and well organized, and had a nice kitchen.

 

The current owner is a single man, so there is definitely some painting that needs to be done. (Strangely enough, I am not a big fan of "army green" for the living room wall color).

 

The new place is a pretty good size, it is 1200 square feet. It has almost all of my wish list items (other than the two bathrooms). It has a great open concept kitchen-dining room- living room. There is a huge island in the kitchen that faces out into the rest of the living space. There is a new fridge, stove & dishwasher in the kitchen. I'm not a huge fan of the color of the counter tops, but it is pretty neutral.

 

The two bedrooms are pretty good size, the master is 12x12 and the 2nd bedroom is 12x11. The master does have two huge closets in it, and a nice big window.

 

The bathroom is actually really big. It has a separate stand up shower and jet tub (!!) There is a ton of storage space, and a big window.

 

And there is a laundry room with a bunch of storage space. And a washer and dryer.

 

I am totally excited. This week I have to work on getting all of the financing sorted out at the bank, the home inspection done, and find myself a lawyer in this new city. All in all I am pretty freaking excited about the whole thing.

 

And now, I am totally obsessed with the thought of choosing a whole new color scheme and decorating style for the new place. I have become totally obsessed with Pinterest and have been keeping a stack of color samples from the hardware store on my coffee table and looking at the constantly.

 

Have you moved into a new place and changed the whole style? What is your favorite color scheme right now?

Let's go condo shopping

I'm in the market for a condo.

 

I used to own a home. My ex and I bought a townhouse about a year into our relatinoship. We were starting our life together, and we found an adorable little townhouse. It was 1500 square feet. It had 3 official bedrooms (although if it was a rental, the basement rec room would totally be a bedroom). It had an open concept main floor, and a tiny deck to BBQ on. And we loved it. I became a homeowner at the ripe age of 23.

 

In the two and a half years that we lived there, the market in our city changed dramatically. Our tiny townhouse went up in value about 70%. Which means that when my ex and I broke up, he had to buy me out at market value.Which means that I ended up with a bit of money in my pocket for a downpayment on my next place.

 

So, I am in the market for a condo. I am planning on renting out one of the rooms to a roommate for the time being. To help me pay for the mortgage payments.

 

I have a bit of a wishlist.

 

2 bedroom

2 bathroom (including master ensuite for me)

Laundry within the condo (as opposed to shared)

Dishwasher

Outside access (ie balcony)

Storage Space

Move in ready

 

I am excited to start looking for a place. Really excited. I am excited to buy a place of my own, and to start decorating. I stil have a lot of the furniture and artwork from my old house (because I was the one who bought the art, and while my ex got things like BBQ & Whipper-snipper, I got things like couch & coffee table). I have been cruising etsy non-stop looking at things that I love, and things that I can't wait to buy and put into my own place.

 

My parents are coming to visit this weekend, and we have some appointments set up with an agent. She is going to be showing us an variety of condos and town houses in the area that I am looking. 

 

Do any of you have your own place? Any things that I should add to the must haves while condo hunting?

 

Fresh Start

*I wrote this post about 2 weeks ago, but have not had internet access in my apartment. And I do not sign into my blog at work (where I do have internet access). So I am attempting to update my blog by email.*

 

So I've moved.

 

I left the island that I was living on, and am back on the mainland. I have been at my new job for a week. And am moving into my new apartment tomorrow.

 

Thank goodness, I left my apartment on May 18, and have been living out of suitcases and the back seat of my car since then. Two weeks of living like this is enough for me. I stayed with my parents for the long weekend, and then stayed with a friend and her parents for the week last week. Over this past weekend, I went to visit another friend to give the first friend a bit of a break. Whew. Lots of living out of bags, and trading things in and out of the trunk of my car.

 

But tomorrow, I get to move into my place. And will get to settle in. And spend a tiny bit of time all by myself. Since I have been completely surrounded by people for the majority of the past two weeks.

 

The one friend that I have in this city (the one that I have been staying with) is going on vacation this week. So she is going to be away, and I am going to be all alone for my first weekend in this city. I am thinking that it will be pretty quiet. I am going to take in some of the wonderful weather we have been having. And explore my new neighbourhood.

 

This is all very exciting. A bit exhausting. And totally scary!

 

Have you moved to a new city all alone? Was it the fresh start you were looking for?

My High School Boyfriend

The boy who I dated in high school, through grade 10 and 11, passed away this week. He was 26. He had leukemia, and had been battling it for almost six years.

His story is tragic, really. He joined the military right after high school. He married young, at 22, and was diagnosed with cancer just 11 days after his wedding. The marriage didn't stand a chance, and they divorced about two years later. He has been fighting ever since, receiving two bone marrow  transplants.

I hadn't spoken to him since we graduated from high school. But, since I am from a small town, I have kept up with what has happened with him. My high school friends and I sent flowers when he relapsed earlier this year. I have thought of him often. And although I am not at all a religious person, I have sent lots of positive energy in his direction.

It seems so sad, and so strange, that he is gone. Although I have had no relationship with him for ten years, I feel a sense of loss. It is like I can't believe that someone that I once loved with everything I had (as a sixteen year old) died.

And I can't stop thinking about his mom. He was raised by a single mom, and has one older brother. For the past six years his mother has been basically consumed by him, and his cancer. For the past year, he has been extremely ill, and she has been by his bedside. I can't imagine what she is feeling. I can't imagine what she is going to do now.

The funeral is tomorrow morning, and my parents are going to attend. I wish that I had moved already, and that I was close enough to attend.

Positive vibes?

Let's talk about something positive for a change, shall we? I feel like all of my (sporadic) posts lately have been about how sad I am. How lost I feel. Let's talk about the exciting parts of me moving. 

1. This is going to be the best summer ever! I am going to do a bunch of road trips. I am going to Atlantic City with some friends. I am seriously considering going to see Britney in concert. 

2. The weather! The part of the country that I currently live in is known for it's terrible weather. It is going to be much warmer & much sunnier in the new place. 

3. I am going to be within driving distance of my parents. 

4. I found out last week that my best friend from high school is expecting. I am now going to be within driving distance of her too, and am going to help her decorate the nursery over the summer. 

5. My hometown has a drive-in movie theatre. 

6. I'm going to law school in the fall. 

7. I'm going to buy a condo. Yay for homeownership (again). 

8. No one will know about my ex,
or the wedding that didn't happen. 

I am sure that there are even more excellent things about this move. If you can think of any, leave me a comment. I could use some more positive vibes.

Two Weeks

I am moving in two weeks. 

To another province. Closer to my family. To a city I have been to only twice before. 

I am excited. And I am terrified. 

I don't know what to expect. I am terrified that I won't make any friends this summer. That I will sit alone in my apartment Monday to Thursday waiting for the weekend when I can go and visit my parents. 

I am terrified that I will feel just as sad and alone there, as I do here. That the fresh start won't mean anything, because it is me that is still broken. 

I know that from the outside, to my friends and to my family, I am doing really well. But I am still struggling. Night time is still hard. When everything is quiet. It reminds me how very alone I am. 

As soon as I move to the new city I am going to start looking for a new therapist. I stopped seeing mine back in December, but with the chaos of this move, I feel like I need some extra support. 

I feel like I am in a slump, and I'm not sure how to get out. 

Unsettled...

I am feeling so uncomfortable in my life right now.

Half of the time I feel like I am running out of time in the city. Running out of time to spend with my friends, and running out of time to take in the breathtaking views of the ocean that I see every day (and often take for granted). I feel like I won't have time to say all the things that I need to say. To all the people who have been so amazing to me over the past six months.

I feel unsettled at work. I am just trying to move things off my desk, and prepare them for whoever is taking over my position. I am trying not to get into too many major projects, and trying to keep my eye on my new position.

I feel like I can't really do anything right now. That all my time is going to be taken up with tying up loose ends. With packing. With selling my belongings that I am not taking with me. I am going to my last book club meeting. To my last scrap booking night (that's right, I'm in a crafting club). I am going on my last hike with the  youth group I volunteer with.

The other half of the time I can't wait to get started in the new city. To go and live with my best friend from university. To have the best summer ever. And to get ready for a whole new life in the fall. I feel like I want to pack my things. To just get going already.

I guess that right now all I can do is make the best of the time that I have here, and try not to feel impatient. I am sure that once I am on my way to the new city, I will feel like the time flew by...

The Dates

I didn't ever tell you about what happened with the online dating thing (because I disappeared for a month...)

I went out. On a date. In fact, I went out on two dates, with the same man.

It was ok.

I actually messaged him first, because I thought he was cute, and I thought he seemed cool. We played scrabble on our iphones and chatted back and forth for about a week before going out. He seemed really witty, and interesting.

The first date was a bit awkward.

First off, he did not look anything like his pictures. Like, at all. In fact, I went back to his profile after the date and looked at the pictures again, thinking I might had remembered them wrong. He had gained quite a bit of weight since the pictures were taken. Here's the thing, I don't really mind chubby guys. Heck, I am kind of chubby right now because of all of the breakup weight that I have gained. But the photos on my profile reflect that. I have pictures that were taken in the past few months. That show my body as it currently is.

Back to the date. It was awkward. I felt like I wanted him to take charge more. To ask me more questions. I felt like I was kind of leading the conversation the whole time. And when we went to pick a movie, he asked me about 4 times which movie I wanted to see, even after I narrowed it down to two and said he could choose. It was like he was too accommodating to me. Does that make sense?

Anyway, at the end of the date, I did give him a quick kiss, and we said that we would do it again.

I wasn't sure if I liked him or not but I thought I might want to sleep with him should give it a chance, so I went out with him again.

On the second date, he spent most of the time staring at my chest, instead of my face. In fact, he was staring so intently at my chest, that I went to the bathroom to check to see if I had somehow spilled some of my food down my shirt. Also, he didn't wear his seatbelt in the car which was a total turnoff for me.

So, I decided that I didn't want to see him again.

But you know what? It was good. I hadn't been on a date in over four years. And I had never tried the online thing. And I felt kind of good. I was confident going into the date, and I felt like I might be ready to see someone casually.

Now that I am moving, I have removed my profile. But once I get settled into the new city, you never know, I might try again.

How did your first first date back in the dating scene go?

Moving on

I am officially moving.

I mentioned more than a month ago, that I was up for a transfer with my job. It has been approved, and my current job has been posted. I am in the process of getting my thing together with work, hiring a person to replace me, training that person, and moving to another province.

I think that I have know for a while that I needed this move to happen. I needed to get away from here, this city, this province. The place that I have been for so long. I moved here for me, to go to university and when I finished university I decided to stay. But for the past four years, I have been here because of my ex. And because of the life that we were building together.

Now that that life doesn't exist any more, it is time to move on.

I am having mixed emotions about it. I have lived here for my entire adult life. I have grown up here. I have become a part of the city, and the city has become a part of me. I love the culture, I love the nature, I love the people. And I am truly going to miss it.

But I am also excited. Excited for a new start. Excited to be in a place where no one know that I was supposed to get married. Where no one knows my ex. Or that I used to be engaged to him. I am excited to live in a place where I am a car drive away from my parents. Where I can take off and see them after work on a Friday, and not have to find a flight. I am excited that I will be able to take road trips, and for the better weather. I am excited for the next chapter.

So for now I am going to be purging and packing. And for the next six weeks I am going to be saying good-bye to the place, and the people that have been my home for the past nine years.

The Drive-By

I drove by my ex's house tonight.

You see, we were supposed to be in Italy right now. And I drove by his house to see if he was there. To see if he had gone to Italy without me.

One of the guys who was supposed to be a groomsman in our wedding, is getting married tomorrow. In Italy. And we were invited to go, and celebrate their wedding. We were going to go for two weeks, one to tour around Italy, and one to celebrate our friends wedding. We were going to be newly weds. Celebrating the marriage of our good friends.

I have been wondering all week if he is there with them. Without me.

Tonight I dropped a friend off at her house, which was very close to my old house. And so I took a detour, and drove by my old place. It was the first time that I had done that.

His car wasn't home. He wasn't there.

With all the changing that I have been doing. And all the decisions that I have been making about my life. It still seems strange to me that he is doing the same thing. Changing. Growing. Going on with life. Without me. Even though I am going on without him. It still seems strange to me that he is going on without me.

I know that I have been missing in action for a while, but while I was driving home, I was writing this blog post in my head.

I've missed this blog.

Sense of Loss

It is really hard to change your mindset.

My ex and I became really serious right at the beginning of our relationship. About 2 months in, we were talking about spending our lives together. We started house shopping about 6 months in, and bought a house together at the 8 month mark. We talked about having a family since the beginning, and were planning on having a baby within about a year of getting married.

Changing the way I think about having a family is really hard.

When I was visiting my sister, we went away skiing for a weekend. While walking the streets of the adorable ski town all I could notice were the little families. The young couples with their kids.

I kept feeling a sense of loss. Like, I was almost there, and now I am not even close. I feel sad that I am so far from having that little family, that I had been planning.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to appreciate life for what it is right now. To see the positive side of being single. To totally understand that at this moment I can do anything and go anywhere that I want to.

I feel like it is going to take a while for me to see a little family, and not wish it was my own. Do you ever feel this sense of loss?



*Sorry that my blog has been a bit manic lately... I am having some ups and downs, so you get to read about it...*

More life changes?

I think I am moving.

I moved to a new province, when I started university almost ten years ago. I came here on my own, and moved into a residence hall. After finishing university, I decided to stay here. My friends were here, I was single, and I loved the city. And then I met my ex-fiance.

And we started to build a life together. And I made a decision to stay here. Even though I am far from my family, I decided to stay. I love the city. I was marrying an amazing man. I was starting my own family. I always said that I wished I had settled closer to home. Closer to my parents.

Right now, I am not within driving distance of my parents and my home town. If I want to get to them, I need to take a flight. It isn't a long flight, but it does mean that I can't go and visit at the drop of a hat. Last easter my best friend from high school and I decided that we would both go home for Easter. She had a 5 hour drive. I had a $500 flight.

I would love to be able to drive home for a weekend.

Right before I went on vacation, there was a man in my department let go. In an area that we have been having a bunch of trouble, and high staff turnover in. He did a similar job to mine, but covers a difference province.

A province that is closer to home.

So, on Monday, I approached my boss and let him know that I was interested in the job. Interested in moving. And he basically said that I could. Move. That they would transfer me to the other position. He just needs to discuss it with the HR department, and change around the job description a little bit before the announcement is made.

In the new job, I will be about a 3.5 hour drive from my parents. I will be living in the same city as my best friend from university (who got transfered there with her job about a year and a half ago!) and I will be a two hour drive from my best friend from high school. I'll be close. Really close.

So I am happy. Excited. And a little bit terrified.

I haven't told any of my friends yet. I am waiting for the official announcement from work.

It is going to be a very interesting few months. More life changes...

Yikes!

The Profile

So I did it. I created an online profile for myself on one of the free dating sites.

I had been really hesitant to put my picture up for some reason, and had been feeling a bit weird about it. I guess it is part of feeling hesitant about putting myself out there. It feels strange to put my picture on the internet for people to judge. But, I guess that is what I have been doing while looking at the profiles online. And I guess that is what happens in almost any situation where you might find someone you want to date. People are judging whether they find one another attractive, whether they think that the other is desirable.

But I did it, I chose a couple of cute pictures of myself, and put them up.

And then I wrote a little bio. You would think that I would find it easy to do a bio, since I spend so much time blogging and talking about myself, but I didn't. It was hard to write something that was true, and didn't sound ridiculous.

I basically wrote that I am into the outdoors, that I cook & bake, and that I like to read and watch movies. Pretty generic. I don't really know what I am supposed to write to make it more appealing.

Actually, I have no idea what I am supposed to write at all.

Any suggestions? What should I be writing about?

And I guess the next step is messaging someone who I am drawn to. Which is also a bit scary. I am not sure what to say, or what to lead with.

I guess, alternately, I could just wait for someone to message me...

Online Dating?

I'm thinking about signing up for an online dating site.

This isn't something that I have ever done before, and I am not really sure how I feel about it.

My ex and I broke up about six months ago, actually a little bit more than six months ago. And I am not too sure what happens now.

I have basically only had two boyfriends in my life (unless you count high school, and then we can add a couple more..). I went out with one guy for almost four years, all through university. We lived together for about a year and a half. There was a four month break between when I broke up with him, and when I started dating my ex-fiance. I went on a few dates between the two of them, but not many (and back then the term "date" sometimes meant "get drunk and go home with" "party with").

My university boyfriend and I met when we were both living in residence. We went out a few times with groups of people and eventually became a couple. My ex-fiance showed up in my office one day when I was working at a gym (he was a member) and asked me out. He had seen me around, and thought I was cute.

So, basically, I have no idea how to meet someone to date.

I think I might have to try the online thing.

I am not looking for anything serious right now, I will hopefully be moving in the next six months to go to law school, and am not interested in a long distance relationship. But I would like someone to have sex with on a regular basis spend some time with and snuggle up and watch movies with.

What are your thoughts? Have you done the online thing? How did it work for you?

Skiing & Feeling Old?

I am attempting to blog from my phone right now. I am not sure how it is going to go. I am currently in the car with my sister and her boyfriend on our way back from a ski weekend. 

I am on vacation right now, visiting my sister and her boyfriend. We went away for the weekend to a ski town with a few of her friends, as well as a childhood friend of ours. 

It has been pretty great. 

It was really fun to get together with our old friend for a weekend. We don't spend nearly enough time together since we all live in different parts of the country. We grew up together (our parents are still friends) and have known each other for 20 years. The three of us had a great time. It is amazing how easily you fit back together with old friends. 

After he left, we spent some more time with some of my sisters friends. It was a bunch of fun, for the most part. My sister is younger than I am, and her friends who were with us this weekend aren younger than her. So I did spend a bit of time feeling a bit old. Even though the age difference is only about 5 years, I am in a much different place than they are. 

It is something that I will have to get used to, if I am going to be going to law school in the fall. About 75% of the class will likely be about 5 years younger than me. 

What makes you feel old? Do you mind? 

Rough week...

I think the hardest part about being single, is not being anyone's most important person. Not having that one person who is there for you no matter what. Who you can call in the middle of a tough day at work, or in the middle of a scary episode of criminal minds, or when you don't quite know where you are, and are trying to find a meeting.

Not having that one person who is there for you. Who calls in the middle of the afternoon to see if you want to have pancakes for supper. Or if you want to stay home on Friday and watch Dexter, instead of going to that house party that you were invited to, by the people who you don't really like.

I think that is the hardest part of being single.

Since my LSAT studying is complete, and I am almost finished applying to law schools, my life is becoming clearer. I don't have anything to focus on, and am starting to realize what my life really looks like right now.

And it is starting to feel a bit empty. A bit lonely.

I am leaving to go on vacation this morning, I am going out west to visit my sister for a week. I am excited to get away, and take some time off from work. It will be nice to get away from my life right now, and spend some time with family.

Hopefully this feeling that I have been having this week will subside.

Do you miss having that one person? Cheer me up, what do you love about being single?

The LSAT. Round 2.

I feel like I haven't blogged in weeks! I spent the last five weeks working my behind off studying for the LSAT. I basically stayed in every weekend, and spent most of my free time studying (or at least sitting in my apartment, thinking about studying).

Because I took the Kaplan course, I feel like I had a lot more guidance, and was able to be really strategic about my studying. I spent a lot of time watching the online classes, and tutorials. I kind of feel like I should have spent more time doing timed practice, but I think that all of the theory that I learned helped a lot.

The test went well. Or at least I think that it went well. It is really hard to tell with that many multiple choice. I did struggle a bit with the logic games (which really annoyed me, since on my timed practices I was getting 21 or 22 correct...). But hopefully my Logic Reasoning will make up for it.

I am going to send off applications to the final two schools that I am applying to this week. And then it is just a waiting game!

How have you all been? I have missed the blogger world!

Giveaway Winner

The winner of the $25 for CNS Stores is amy!

Hooray! The random number generator spit out number 5 (which was amy whether you count from the top or the bottom).

Yay!

What I didn't count on

Don't forget about the giveaway that is going on! Hurry up & enter here. You have until February 6th at 6pm EST. Huzzah!


Throughout the fall, I was waiting for my unwedding day. I was waiting for the day to come and go, so that I could get going with my life. In the months leading up to that day, I felt like once it came and went I would breathe a sigh of relief. I would put it behind me. I would stop having to tell people that I wasn't getting married. I wouldn't be getting close to the big day. I wouldn't have to tell anyone that I wasn't engaged.


What I didn't really think about what the months after. January. What would happen then.


Well, it turns out, that a lot happens.


I received a survey from the travel agency that we had booked our honeymoon with. It was a welcome home survey, asking how our trip was, wondering about the cruise ship, and welcoming us home. Hilariously, it had actually been forwarded from my old address to my new one by CanadaPost, since my mail forwarding hasn't run out. The letter inside was addressed to both me & my ex.


I also got an email from a local photographer. Prior to the wedding, I had been thinking about doing a boudoir wedding shoot, as a wedding gift to my ex. Leading up to the wedding, I decided on a different gift for him (which I had already purchased) and decided not to go with the photos. I did, however, tell the photographer that I might be interested in doing a shoot shortly after the wedding. So, being the great business woman that she is, she contacted me a month after when the wedding should have been, gushing her congratulations and wondering if I wanted to do a shoot for my new husband.

(These are not my feet.)

In addition to those two lovely situations, I received an email from a home equity loan agency looking to loan "us" money (for the home I no longer own), an email from an online vendor that we used, looking for review, and an email from the local wedding show company letting me know about their "new family" photoshoot packages.


This week at work, I also had a telephone meeting with a client in which she asked me how my wedding was, and was wondering when my name change was going to happen on my emails.


So yeah. I didn't count on this stuff.


But, life goes on. With all of the things that happened this month, I only freaked a couple of times. Sure, I teared up after getting off the phone with my client, but I pulled myself together, and continued with my work day. (Ok, there might have been a mini foot stomping incident in a coworkers office that accompanied the tearing up, but after that I got on with my work day).


How was your January?


PS. I am so sorry about going MIA. I promise that once this crazy LSAT thing is done with, I will sit down and read everything you all have written in the last month. I rewrite on February 12, so I will catch up with you all next weekend. I miss all of you a lot!

Giveaway? Hooray!

CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from stylish furniture, modern bedding, or great cookware!

They approached me a few weeks ago about doing a $25 giveaway for one of my readers. (I'm not going to lie, I was pretty stoked that someone thought that I had readers, and that they wanted me to give something away to them.. So thanks for the confidence boost CNS Stores.)

I thought that this giveaway was a great one, since just this week we were talking about how to make your place your own. 

While browsing though the modern bedding section, I came across a few lovely things that I might just purchase to spice up my place. Here are some of my faves:

I love this. It would match my purple bed wonderfully!

This would be perfect for curling up on the couch and watching Sex & the City.

I think this one is perfectly purple & girly!

Here's how to enter:

• First make sure that you are following me with Google Friend Connect by clicking the link on the right. (Let me know if you are a new follower, or if you were already following)

• Then, leave me a comment telling me what items you buy to make your place more lovely.

• If you want to enter a second time follow me on twitter (@singlegirltl) and tweet the following: I just entered @singlegirltl's modern bedding giveaway. Want to enter? Visit her here: http://tinyurl.com/4qnn5vx

• And come back and leave a second comment telling me that you tweeted.

The winner will be announced February 6th at 6pm EST.

Excited? I know I am!

Blahhhh

I don't know if you are all following me on Twitter or not, but if you are, you know that I am being swallowed whole by my LSAT books. I am two weeks away from my rewrite, and have been using all of my brain power reviewing LSAT information.

And, you will have also noticed, that I am driving myself crazy.

I feel so lonely being stuck, by  myself, in my apartment. It is not the same as when I was in university and I knew that all of my friends were also stuck in their apartments studying. No, my friends are all done school, and doing fun things like drinking and going to concerts.

And I am sitting at home, taking short breaks to play scrabble on my iPhone.

Plus, my parents left for a vacation in Mexico this morning, and will be gone for a week. So I don't even have my never failing mother to call and whine about how terrrrible all this studying is.

(This is what I feel like. Except I am not a toddler. Or Japanese)

Boo. Studying sucks.

And I realize that once I go to law school, I am going to be studying non stop. But it will be different, because I will have classmates. And they will have sucky studying lives too. And I won't be all alone in study land.

That is all. I'm sorry that this entire post was me complaining.... (but this is my blog after all... hehe)

Making my place my own

One of the things that is on my list of things to do, is to decorate my apartment. When I moved out of the house that my ex and I owed together, I moved into a basement apartment. (It is actually in my friend's house, her tenants moved out suddenly about two weeks before my ex and I broke up. It was pretty perfect timing. In a shitty, your life is falling down around you, kind of way). He bought me out of our house, because I wasn't sure where I was going to end up living. And I'm still not sure, I might flee the country at any moment.

 

When we broke up, we split up our things. Anything that was mine before the relationship, remained mine. Anything that had been his, was his. Anything that my family gave us as a gift was mine, anything his family gave us, was his. And the things we had purchased together, we split, item for item. We also did a few trades (I traded my old futon for our new one, I traded the TV stand that my grandmother had purchased us, for the one we purchased together). We actually made a list of everything we owed, and wrote one name or the other next to it.

 

Let me tell you, that was not an awesome process.

 

So when I moved into my own place, I brought with me furniture and artwork that had been hanging on our walls. Some of it was stuff that I had before we got together. And some of it was stuff that we had purchased together. 

 

Some things I took with me that I didn't even particularly like, but was too filled with spite at the time to leave behind. 

 

Since I moved in, I have been busy. First I was crying every day. Then, I was studying for the LSAT. (Sometimes I was studying for the LSAT between bouts of tears). Then I was getting ready for Christmas and dreading my unwedding day. And now I am studying for the LSAT, again. I haven't had a lot of time to think about what I want to go where. What I like and what I don't like about the apartment. Most of the furniture is still exactly where the movers put it when they moved me in.

 

When my dad was visiting in September, he put all of my pictures on the walls, but that is about it. There is still a random bulletin board on the wall in the hall left over from the last tenant. There is still a full length mirror leaned against the wall (also left over from the last tenant). My guest bedroom/craft room is filled with boxes and random items that I haven't unpacked, and haven't found a home for.

 

So, when this pesky LSAT business is cleared up, and when I have sent off all my law school applications, I am going to decorate my apartment. I am going to buy some things for the walls. I am going to put away all of the bank statements that are currently living on my book shelf. I am going to think about how I want the rooms to be set up. I am going to make the place mine.

 

Because, now that I live on my own, I can do whatever I want to with the place. I can buy nothing but purple things and fill the rooms with them. (Have I mentioned that I love purple everything?) I can buy things with cutes-y owls on them and put them all over my bathroom. I no longer have to consider if my decor choices are "too girly" or have "too much purple" (I don't think there is a such thing as too much purple, but some people disagree...).

 

What do you do to make your place yours? Any items that you have purchased that you love? I would love to get some suggestions!

Emotions

I have been feeling kind of emotional over the past couple of days. I am not sure why I have been feeling like this, but I am having a bit of a set back in terms of how I have been feeling. I am back to having trouble sleeping, and feeling pretty anxious a lot of the time. It probably has something to do with the stress that I have been feeling about rewriting the LSAT, but I am not sure.

This morning at work one of my coworkers was telling me about a friend of hers who is going through a divorce. Her friend and her husband have been separated for about a month and a half, and her friend is getting ready to move back to this city, from away. She is here for the next few weeks sorting things out, and getting ready to go through the motions of the separation.

Anyways this weekend, she went on a date.

My coworker told me about it, thinking that it would make me feel good. Show me that other people have hard times, and they get out there and get dating again.

But for some reason, it totally overwhelmed me. Dating? After being separated from her husband for less than 2 months? That terrified me. My ex and I have been broken up for over five months. And I so do not feel ready to date. I am just starting to realize that men exist. The thought of going out on a date is so overwhelming to me. I can't imagine being able to put myself out there like that. And try to meet someone.

I actually burst into tears in her office. (This is not the first time I have cried in front of this coworker, we are pretty close).

I don't know why I am having this setback. And feeling totally overwhelmed by everything.

Has anyone else felt this way? Felt like you were moving in the wrong direction?

I love my iPhone...

So, I am totally in love with my iPhone. It has so many fun apps. Plus, I feel super cool when I am using it.

I mentioned that I had been at a work event, and that the sales guy from the cell phone company had talked me into buying it.

The very cute, and seemed really genuinely nice sales guy.

I am just starting to notice that men exist again. When I was with my ex, I didn't really notice guys very much. I mean, I might have noticed a beautiful man sitting next to me on a plane, but on a day to day basis, I didn't really notice men. In fact, at the same event last year, the same cute cell phone sales guy was across from me the day, and I had no recollection of him this year. He was the one who reminded me that we had both been in the same places last year.

Because I am just recently back in the game, I am having a bit of a hard time knowing when someone is being nice, and when someone is flirting with me. And as I mentioned before, I have no idea how to tell if someone is single or not. Aside from the wedding ring check.

So I spent the day chatting with the cute sales guy, and promised that I would come out to see him in his store the next day to get my iPhone purchased & set up.

At home that night it dawned on me, I could look him up on Facebook. Just a quick search let me know that he does, in fact, have a girlfriend.

We are living in the future, folks.

It didn't all turn out badly. I did end up with my super awesome cool iPhone. And he did get me a great deal on my monthly plan (I look like a student, right?).

Have you Facebook stalked potential dates? Any tips on how to find out if someone is single? (Although now that I have my iPhone, I can just head to the restroom and check from there... too creepy?)

*Sorry I have been missing in action the past week or so, I have been focused on LSAT studying and it is melting my brain...)

iPhone!

Guess what?

I got an iPhone 4!

I am so super excited. This is my first smart phone. In fact, it is the first phone I have had that does anything more than talk and text...

I'm pretty much in love with it.

I had a business event for work yesterday, and happened to be seated right across from the mobility company that I had been thinking of getting an iPhone with. So, the guy and I chatted for most of the day, and he talked me into getting one (I was not a tough sell). He even gave me a better deal than I was able to find online for any of the providers.

So today, I took the afternoon off, and went out to see him at the store he manages, and I picked up my iPhone.

Hooray!

So far today, I have learned how to use TweetDeck... So now  my tweets can go where ever I go. Does anyone know if there is a Blogger App? Can I blog from my iPhone?

What is your favorite app? What do you do with your fancy smart phone?

Waiting on the Postman?

Sooo....

I signed up for the online course with Kaplan. They send you the resources in the mail. I was kind of assuming that everything would come electronically, but it didn't. It comes in the mail.

Which, the sales guy assured me was fine. The books would come in the mail, and in the meantime they had electronic copies. He emailed me the first 3 sections. Last Friday.

So I have been working steadily on them, and am almost done. My books are not scheduled to arrive until Tuesday (Jan 25). I was thinking that this was no big deal. I could just get them to email me the next few sections.

But, when I called last night, they told me that they don't have anymore sections in PDF form. They only have the first three sections.

So, now I am freaking out. I was planning on spending the entire weekend working my way through the online course, and now I don't have the materials to go with the classes. The guy on the phone told me that I could just watch the online classes, but the entire point of the classes is that they have you pause, work out the questions, and then explain how it works. It seems pointless to just watch.

I sent an email to the sales guy who sold me the course (who said it was going to be no problem for me to get the materials in the mail, because I could work on electronic ones until I got them). Hopefully there will be something that he can do for me for the next 5 days of studying.

Blah. Sorry for the rant. I am freaking myself out over this.

(This probably isn't going to help me sleep...)

Sleeeep...

After my breakup, I was having a lot of trouble sleeping. I had posted about it previously, and got some great advice on what to do to help me sleep.

And, I had been doing really well. I have been seeing an acupuncturist. And I have been doing the tea before bed, tv off before bed, wind down for an hour or so thing.

But ever since I got my LSAT score back, and I wasn't happy with it, I am back to not sleeping.

I have started my Kaplan on demand course, and there is a lot of information. I have been working hard every day to study and do as much work as I can each night between work and bedtime.

And I am feeling pretty stressed.

So then I can't sleep.

And then, because I can't sleep, I feel even more stressed that I am not sleeping, and that I am not going to be able to study effectively the next day. And so I can't sleep. So I am stressed.... You see what is going on here.

I need to chill out. But I don't feel like I have the time to spend an hour before bed chilling out, and getting myself relaxed, so that I can sleep.

I need some advice. Anything that you do to unwind before bed? Any ideas on how to make myself chill out so that I don't drive myself nuts between now and February 12?

Sunday

Sundays are hard days when you are single, aren't they?

Sundays are family days. They are days that you spend preparing for the week. Cleaning up the house. Relaxing, before Monday comes.

My ex's family had "Sunday Dinner" every week. On Sunday, at lunchtime, his mother cooked a meal. A big one. Sometimes a turkey, sometimes a roast, sometimes some chickens. With all of the fixings. And everyone came for dinner.

My ex comes from a big family. There are five kids, and he is the youngest. All boys. Some live  in this province, others live away.

On Sundays, whoever was in town, came for dinner. Sometimes that means that there were eight of us, sometimes that meant that there were twelve of us. Sometimes, if aunts and uncles were visiting, there might have been more.

I loved it.

I loved the bustle of the dinner table. Of everyone talking. Of the brothers bickering, and the children refusing to eat this or that (and Nanny giving them whatever they wanted instead). I loved the smell of the house each Sunday when we arrived. And avoiding the dishes after the meal. And laughing with the family. Even if my ex had something else to do on a Sunday, I went to his parents house. It didn't matter to me. I was a part of the family. I didn't miss a Sunday.

A lot of the time the things that I miss the most about my relationship, are things like this. The family that I lost. The future that my kids were going to have, with that family.

Sundays are strange now. I always feel like I should be doing something. Like I should be going somewhere. Sunday is a hard day to be single.

What do you do on Sunday?

Study, Study

After my first attempt at the LSAT, I decided that I should take a prep course to try to prepare for my second attempt. I registered for an in person course in my area. (To be honest, I registered for the same prep course before the December LSAT, but it was cancelled due to low enrollment). I called several times to confirm that the course was going ahead. Thursday, the woman on the phone assured me that the course would go ahead. And last night I received and email telling me that the course has been cancelled.

So I went to my Plan B.

I am going to do a prep course online.

I decided to go with a Kaplan LSAT Advantage On Demand course. I will get to do all of the classroom hours on my own  schedule (which is going to be tight, I write again on February 12). But, I am feeling really optimistic about it.

Have you taken an online course like this? Any of you studying for the LSAT? What is your plan?

The Ex Brother-in-law to be

So I ran into my ex's brother this week. Or rather, he ran into me. Chased me, really.

 

One of the things that I have been worrying about, is running into my ex's family. I live in a small city. And I live and work in the same part of the city that his family lives in. And he comes from a huge family. So it is kind of amazing that I haven't run into any of them up to this point.

 

Running into my ex doesn't worry me too much. There is no etiquette about what I need to do if I run into him. I can make a scene and yell at him. I can turn and run in the other direction. I can burst into tears. And I won't feel like I have reacted incorrectly.

 

But his family is another story. I have to smile. And say hello. And ask how everyone is doing. And tell them that I am doing well. I have to be nice. And I have to be strong.

 

I was downtown this week for a meeting, and when I was in my car backing out of my parking space, I heard a knocking. I actually thought that I had hit something, so I was looking behind me. And then there was a knocking on my car window.

 

When I looked up (scared, surprised) it was one of my ex's older brothers. Smiling. Waving. He had seen me walking past him on the sidewalk. And followed me so he could talk to me.

 

So I rolled down the window to talk to him. He seemed excited to see me. Asked how I was. Wondered why I was downtown. He told me that I should go by and visit his mother, or at least that I should call her. That she is worried about me. When I told him that I knew, but that I was having a big of a rough time, he responded "I know, I understand, you got screwed." I smiled and asked about the family. He told me about their niece, and how much she had grown. How good she was getting with the Nintendo DS (she is almost five). I told him that he could let his mother know that he had seen me, and that I am alive.

 

That was it. We said goodbye. I drove away.

 

And then I cried. It seemed so strange to see him. He is someone who I had seen and spent time with at least once a week for the past four years. Someone who had become a constant in my life. Someone who could be counted on for a quiet joke at a family function. Someone who was supposed to be my future brother-in-law.

 

It was a reminder of my old life. A life that I really miss, a future that I really miss, but don't often let myself think about. It reminds me of my ex. And that I do miss him. Or at least I miss the person who I thought that I was going to be spending my life with. 

It was also validating to hear him say that he understood that I had been the one who was wronged. It was interesting to hear that coming from someone who is close to my ex. To know that they understood that this wasn't something that I chose. It is hard to know what he told them, what he told anyone. It was nice to hear that he knew, they knew, at least some of the story. 

In a way, I am glad that I ran into him. I am glad that I got this first run in out of the way. I know now that I can hold myself together if I see anyone. And I know that I am not yet ready to go and visit his parents, like they would like me to.

How have you coped with the family issue of a break up? Have you remained in contact with anyone from past relationships?

Snow!

Today is the first really big snowstorm of the season here! I am so excited!

We have not really had much snow yet this year. I live really close to the ocean, so we often get rain, instead of snow. Last night they were calling for 10-15cm, but I was doubtful. This morning there was about 3cm on the ground...

But then it started snowing harder! We were even sent home from work early!

Yay for (partial) snow days!

So now, I am chilling in my apartment, eating some sushi. Some of my girl friends are coming over in a little while to eat some cupcakes and drink some wine...

What do you do when the weather closes things down?

How can you tell?

I have not been single in a long time. In fact, the last time that I was single, I was 22. And not looking for a husband. And, not very many people my age were married.

I am not 22 anymore. And a lot of people my age are married.

I am just starting to notice men, again. Like, notice that they exist. I walked around for three months after my breakup in a daze. (And looking like a bag-lady, I was lucky if I had a shower, let alone put on makeup). But the daze has lifted. And I am starting to think about the fact that I might have to date at some point. And I might have to attract someone who wants to date me.

But who should I date? How can I know who to give my flirty eyes to? (Oh god, who knows what my flirty eyes look like, it has been a while since I have had to use them to actually attract anyone...)

How do I know if someone is single?

Obviously, I can do a ring check. To see if he is married. (I am old. People my age are married).

But what are some other clues?

When I was standing in line at CanadaPost the other day, I thought of another clue. Car keys. The man in front of me (who was rather cute) was holding his car keys in his hand. He was not wearing a wedding ring. His keys, however, did tell me that he was attached. On his key ring were the keys for two vehicles. Which means one of two things. 1. He is attached, and thus his household has two vehicles, or 2. He is rich and owns two vehicles himself. (And I am going to go with the first, as the way he was dressed did not suggest that he had boatloads of money).

What are some other clues? How do you tell if someone is single?

My Pants are still Tight...

So, remember this post?

The one where I talked about how I had gained a bunch of weight after my break up. And that I was starting fresh. And that I was going to join the weight loss group, and lose some of this weight. Starting tomorrow...

Yeah.

That didn't really work out.

There was crunch time for when I wrote the LSAT the first time. Then it was my eye surgery. And then it was my looming unwedding day and the visit to see my family.

The good news it that I only gained 1 pound since then. The bad news is that my pants are still tight.

What I am trying to say is... I am starting over. Again. For real. I even went to the grocery store last night and bought healthy food. Like fruit. (And am storing everything in my fridge because if you follow me on Twitter you know that I came home to mice in my apartment). I need to get my body back to comfortable. And I need to start feeling better (I have been feeling terrible, since I am feeding my body terrible food).

So I guess this is a new years resolution. Get my body back to where I feel comfortable. Because I may end up sleeping with someone new at some point and I am feeling pretty self conscious these days. And oh god someone new might see me naked... I want to feel good about myself.

What were your new years resolutions?

Pity Party

I had a little breakdown last night.

(Source)

It has been almost a week since I returned from visiting my family for the holidays. I was feeling overwhelmed with the past couple of days. I received my LSAT mark yesterday, and have decided that I need to rewrite the exam. I spent some time yesterday researching prep courses, and planning what needs to happen over the next 5 weeks.

I was feeling really lonely, and kind of sad. I was feeling like I have been doing everything by myself, and that I don't really have anyone that I can totally lean on. (Not that my friends and family aren't amazing, it is just hard not to be anyone's number one. The person who is allowed to lean on someone, no matter what).

Did I mention that I came home to a dead mouse in my kitchen (which did not smell awesome) and evidence that the little dude had been having a free for all while I was away. 

So this weekend, I need to clean my entire apartment, including taking all my pots & pans & dishes out of the kitchen cabinets, washing everything and putting it all away again.  I have some laundry to do, and since my flight was delayed, I hadn't even completely unpacked. I am planning on going back to the Fat Fighting group that I joined to help me lose some of this break up weight (as well as the holiday weight that I added to it...)  In addition to all of that, I need to begin studying for the LSAT. Again.

So  yeah. I was having a bit of a pity party for one. Well, actually, two. Since I called my mom and cried to her on the phone. (It was really nice of me to invite her to the party...)


What do you do when you are hit with sudden bouts of loneliness?  How do you cope?

The LSAT. Again.

So I received my LSAT score yesterday. It was not what I had hoped that it would be. It was, realistically, what I was expecting. I found the actual LSAT much harder than any of the practice tests that I had completed. I guess that my nerves got to me. The score isn't terrible. But it is a "maybe I'll get into the school of my choice" rather than a "I will probably get into the school of my choice." I think that improving my score by 5 points will put me into the "most likely" category. (And improving by 10 points will put me in the "Welcome to Law School" category...)

So.

I am going to rewrite in February.

I have a whole month to restudy. I am contacting my prelaw advisor to look for a tutor. I am much more emotionally stable than I was when I began studying in September. And even more healed than when I wrote a month ago.

So, here we go again!

(I sound much more positive and confident than I am feeling).

PSA about Therapy

Right after I returned to work after my breakup, my boss reminded me about our Employee Assistance Plan. (Wow. What an awkward conversation that was. My very stern, old school, no emotions, male boss, telling me that we had an EAP for employees in "situations like mine").  Basically the way that it worked, was that they would hook me up with a counselor in your area. It is totally confidential, and totally paid for by my employer. (I had actually already contacted them, because I am a bit of a benefits guru in my office, and already knew that I could get free legal advice and free counselling).

It was a great suggestion. 

I was paired with an amazing counselor in my area. 

She has helped me to much! The first time I met with her, I felt better. For real. To have someone who has no connection with me, tell me that what happened to me was terrible, was amazing. Everyone that I had talked to up until that point was effected by the situation. My parents had their feelings hurt. My sister had her feelings hurt. My friends had their feelings hurt. Because I was hurting so much, those around me were hurting too. So their comments and advice, came from a place of pain. But my counselor? Her feelings weren't hurt at all. She didn't know me. She wasn't invited to my wedding. She was a stranger. 

And she told me that the whole situation sucked. And she told me that I am a good person. And she told me that I didn't deserve this. And she told me that it had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. And she told me that everything was going to be ok. And she told me that this wasn't the relationship that I was meant to have. And that someone even better was out there waiting for me. And that I am going to be a great wife. And that I am going to be a great mother. 

Of course, she made lots of suggestions too. About things that I could to do help with the healing process. She encouraged me to exercise. She suggested that I read The Secret. She encouraged me to make, and keep, plans with friends. She encouraged me to journal. Which I did for a while. But it didn't really work out for me. (How hilarious, a blogger who couldn't journal)... thus this blog. 

But she was (is) fantastic. She told me each time that I went to see her that I was doing great. And that these things take time. She kept telling me I had suffered a huge loss. And that it was ok for me to feel the way that I was feeling. To have someone validate me like that, was truly amazing. I really think that she helped me to see things clearly.

I started writing this post to talk about The Secret. And about the power of positive thinking. But I got sidetracked by just how amazing I think that my counselor is.

So here is my suggestion to you (all of you...). Check out your Employee Assistance Plan. Check out your Employee Benefits (or student benefits). Check to see what is is available to you. And go and see someone. (This is the end of the public service announcement about therapy....)

I'm a TV Whore

I am going to take a break from all the blogging about feelings that I have been doing lately to talk about a deep love of mine.

The Television.

I have already admitted that I love Oprah.

But Oprah is not my only guilty pleasure. I love TV in general. I watch everything. I, am a tv whore.

I am excited for the following shows that are going to be/have started this week.

The Bachelor on ABC - Now, this season's bachelor have done this before. He was also the bachelor three years ago on the show. In the end of the season finale, he ended up turning both women down. And marrying neither. This season he says that he has changed, and is now here to find love. We will see. (I actually missed the season premiere because of my flying excursion on Monday, so will have to catch up before next week).

The Biggest Loser on NBC This might be my very favorite show. I love the stories. I love the contestants. I love watching them lose weight week after week. I love watching them find themselves week after week. It is amazing. (And did you see those dad-twins? So adorable, right? I love them!) I am a hardcore biggest loser fan. I follow Bob, Jillian & Ali on twitter.

(Yikes... What is going to happen without Bob & Jillian?)

Grey's Anatomy on ABC - I don't think that I have missed an episode of this show, since the beginning. I love it. I am totally involved in all of the characters, and talk about them as though they are a part of my inner circle. (OMG, what is going to happen with Callie and Arizona?) And I am actually annoyed with Katherine Heigl as a person for not continuing with the Alex and Izzy storyline...

The Big Bang Theory on CBS - My dad got the first three seasons of this show on DVD for Christmas. I love it. It is so quick and witty. Leonard and Penny might be the new Ross and Rachel. Yes, I compared BBT to Friends... For real.  I am really exited to catch up with the fourth season, and to watch things as they are happening. Shelon is my favorite... Or maybe it is Leonard... I follow the actors on Twitter as well...

Ok, Those are the shows that I am going to be watching religiously. 

Stay tuned for the ones that I watch regularly :)

What shows do you watch?